Oh, you guys. I almost posted this on Wednesday, because I was so excited about it. But I exercised patience, and here it is.
I didn’t do a FF last week. I have MORE than made it up to you, dear readers, this week.
Instead of photos (although there are many I could have posted here), let’s look at some of the great lengths to which the men of eHarmony will go to impress us, i.e., me, since I have no source of mockery other than “my” matches.
To be honest, I’m just killing time and having fun until my subscription runs out. I gave up on eHarmony in about September, but I have a six-month subscription. I’m not saying other people haven’t been successful at it, it’s just not for me. Allow me to provide some reasons why.
Oh, but I have to say this first: Yes, I’m a bit of a grammar Nazi. Yes, I minored in English and majored in history, both writing-intensive areas of study. Yes, I am a writer by profession and by hobby. Even so, I do not expect everyone in the world to have the same level of skill in this area. I fully realize that is impossible. My irritation comes from guys who do not seem to understand that their online dating profile is the First Impression. If you have typos, textspeak, errors, contradictory information, sentence fragments, etc., you may come across as unintelligent and lazy. Perhaps you are brilliant and industrious, but one might not get that impression from your profile.
One omitted letter? Passable. A profile ALL IN CAPS WIHT BAD SPELING? Reject.
What I’m trying to say is: PROOFREAD. And if you aren’t sure how to spell something, YOU ARE ALREADY USING THIS WONDERFUL TOOL CALLED THE INTERNET. WEBSTER AND GOOGLE ARE YOUR FRIENDS.
All right, let’s proceed before I have an aneurysm.
Take note, I have not edited these except to remove the names for the protection of their identity. I can’t make this stuff up.
Bachelor #1:
The one thing [he] is most passionate about: I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT RELIGION,FAMILY,FRIENDS,MUSIC,ALL SPORTS,WORK AND LIFE. I LOVE LIFE AND GOD AND IM A VERY OPTIMISTIC PERSON.
I AM ALSO PASSIONATE ABOUT NOT USING MY SPACEBAR OR APOSTROPHES!!!
Bachelor #2:
The one thing [he] wishes MORE people would notice about him is: my inner heart is filled with feelings about me and others
My heart … it feels the feelings …
Bachelor #3:
I get to travel the country for the next year as a field engineer. It’s a way for me to travel and see different things and get paid to do it.
So, then, you are on eHarmony looking for your soul mate WHY???
Bachelor #4:
Some additional information macncheeseplease wanted you to know is: I consider myself to be a nice and caring individual. This online dating thing is new to me, but an interesting experiment. My photo is available for viewing after entering guided communcation.
That’s great. How about providing other information, too, like, say, your name???
Bachelor #5:
The most important thing [he] is looking for in a person is: Honesty
The first thing you’ll probably notice about [him] when you meet him: Personality
The one thing [he] wishes MORE people would notice about him is: Nothing
[He] typically spends his leisure time: Playing golf, going out with friends, watching movies or tv
Goodness gracious, buddy! Let’s get to know each other first before you get all TMI on me. Scale it back a little. It’s all too much, too soon!
Bachelor #6:
The most important thing [he] is looking for in a person is: I am seeking someone who is gentle, compassionate, and sweet
Drat! And I thought I would catch guys by being abusive, hateful, and bitter!
Bachelor #7:
The most important thing [he] is looking for in a person is: First off, (and with so many matches this is taking on a key initial significance) I need to be attracted to you physically. However, looks to me are just an obvious first stage that frankly take on little significance once a relationship is established. The most important quality is an intangible; does the person bring out contentment or adversity?
This one is less “Ha ha!” and more “Huh?” I seriously don’t know what to do with this. I kind of get what he’s saying, but he still comes off as incredibly shallow and confusing. If looks eventually take on so “little significance,” why do you have to be attracted to her “first off”? And if “an intangible” is the “most important quality,” why did you list attractiveness first? As I discussed before on this blog, I have considered many guys (and girls, though not in a sexual sense) to be more attractive upon better acquaintance than I initially thought they were. If I had disregarded them immediately because I wasn’t attracted to them “first off,” I wouldn’t have gotten to know them. And when you get to know someone more intimately and still like them, they usually become more attractive to you, which means that physical attraction is still important, but it’s all wrapped up in one complete package of a person. If that makes any sense. Gah. It’s stuff like this that makes me wish eHarmony had a way to immediately message your matches just to ask one or two questions for clarification, rather than jumping hurdles and weaving through a maze to get to Open Communication just so you can say, “Hey, your profile kind of makes you look like a jerk. Is this really what you meant?” All right, sorry, I’ll get off my soap box now.
Bachelor #8:
One thing that only [his] best friends know is: I have a chainsaw cut on my leg.
This guy wins the grand prize in the category of “Things To Say That Make Me Want to Know More.” I would love to hear the story behind that injury. Was he being chased by Christian Bale? Creating a dolphin chainsaw sculpture?? Baking a cake??? WHAT IS IT???
Bachelor #9:
The first thing you’ll probably notice about [him] when you meet him: I appear much younger than 35 years old.
That’s good, because his profile says elsewhere that he’s 37.
Bachelor #10:
Some additional information [he] wanted you to know is: Mom has been telling me for years to try to find a good christian girl on here so I’m finally giving it a try.
I foresee a lot more relationship input from “Mom” in the future.
That’s all for now, though you can expect another FF of eHarmony pictures sometime in the future. I hope this was entertaining for all of you, and enlightening for those curious about the “quality” level of online dating. I hope this speaks for itself.
You know the drill: Have a happy Friday!
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