Thoughts From a Not-So-Bitter Spinster

Whenever I read a description or participate in a discussion related to the oh-so-popular-in-Christian-circles topic of married v. single, something always leaves me squirming and dissatisfied. I may have finally pinned down the reason for this, but I’m not sure I can express it with any degree of eloquence.

One thing that bothers me is that singleness is almost always treated as a temporary condition. It’s usually a given that Christians will marry. Sometimes singleness is spoken of like a very long sickness that you must endure until you can be “cured” with marriage. I would, of course, be lying if I said that I have never thought of singleness like that. But lately I have been strongly considering and praying about the prospect of never marrying, and in some ways I find that a desirable future. The fact is, not all Christ-followers will marry, and I could very well be such a person. Granted, the odds indicate that most of us will marry, but God does not always follow statistics.

Another thing that bothers me in the topic of marriage/singleness is that many Christians like to talk about the great benefits there are to marriage. Not only is there the obvious (you get to have SEX!!!), but a Christ-centered marriage is a great evangelism opportunity, you have a (presumably) lifelong companion and best friend, it’s a reflection of the covenant between God and His people, it’s the foundation of the nuclear family that is the foundation of society, and so on.

But if you’re single … well, sorry, you don’t get any of those things.

What do you get? Um … I dunno. Something, I’m sure. I think Paul wrote about it somewhere. He liked being single, didn’t he? Yeah, I think he wanted everyone to be single. Haha, he was a funny guy.

The worst part of being single is that you can’t say any of this without sounding like a bitter spinster, even if you speak out of genuine concern for the issue (ok, even if it is with a twist of irony).

I really wish more people would speak about the benefits of singleness in Christ—ideally, those who are single themselves, or married people who can at least be honest about things they miss about being single. Although maybe it’s not practical, since as time progresses those of us who are singles will become even more of a minority, and it will just look like we want special treatment. Sigh. But then, I do understand that since most people will marry, that’s what gets the most attention. Also, the world has such a warped view of sex and marriage that I very deeply understand the necessity of addressing that within the church.

I just wish we singles could get a little more acknowledgment and encouragement is all—preferably some that doesn’t involve hearing, “Awww, don’t worry, it’s okay, you’ll find that guy someday!” I might not! That’s my whole point!

There are really a ton of perks with being single, but not everyone would agree with my idea of a “perk,” and I’m afraid that if I list them, I’ll look like I’m bitter, overcompensating, averse to marriage, family-hating, and so on. But I did anyway, months ago, and these things haven’t changed. Except to say that lately I have realized how God has gifted me with singleness (at least for the time being) as an opportunity to grow closer to Him. And NOT just in the sense of “relying on God so I can endure singleness until it’s over.” But God has given me so many opportunities that I do not think I would have had if I had not been single.

I must point out that in I Corinthians 7:7, Paul refers to both marriage and singleness as “gifts”—one for some, the second for others. And yes, he does not forbid marriage, but he does point out that marriage does bring its own difficulties, and singleness its own benefits in verses 32-35 (emphasis mine):

I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.

I know you can sigh and say yes, you’ve heard this passage a million times, it was written for a different time and place, you still hate being single, etc. etc.

Fair enough. I’ve been there. I’m sure I’ll be there again.

BUT. As I’ve grown in my faith and become closer to the Lord, the idea of a life devoted to Him and the ability to focus more on Him has become of greater importance. I don’t mean to bash marriage and say it’s less holy than singleness or that those of us who are single have a closer connection to Jesus. But it’s true that singleness can make it easier to focus on Christ, and that marriage, although a beautiful covenant established by God, does come with its own distractions and complications.

I should add that singleness is only less distracting if you are not focused on finding “the one” that God has for you. Not to say that you shouldn’t ever think about it, if you do want to get married someday. This is just another example of how you need to “let go and let God,” as they say. Please, trust my own experience when I say that letting go of such things makes worshiping, depending on, and learning more about God that much more special and rewarding.

But then, this applies to all believers, no matter their relationship status.

I am not trying to bash marriage. But if I said I still wanted to get married someday, I don’t know if that would be entirely true. And yet, saying that I don’t want to get married might also not be true.

I simply believe that people who are single and don’t want to be, should focus on Christ first and not be overly concerned with finding that other person, but concentrate on living a God-pleasing life.

Personally, right now I’m in a place where I no longer have any idea whether I am gifted for marriage someday or lifelong singleness anymore. But what I don’t want is anyone telling me, or making me feel, that my current / possibly future position in life is at all pitiable.

That’s all I ask.

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The Answers I Didn’t Ask For

Hello, everyone. I hope you had a nice holiday weekend (those of you in the U.S.) and an excellent start to the week.

Very often God provides answers that I need to hear, not necessarily ones I want to hear, or ones that directly answer my questions. My last post was a plea for help and advice in figuring out how important physical attraction is in a relationship. Recent messages at church, my prayer time, blog posts from others, and insight from the Holy Spirit have yielded a number of answers—none of which answer my question per se, but are far more important.

Here they are:

1. If physical attraction to my Hypothetical Future Husband is my top concern regarding my maybe-someday-future marriage, then my heart is not in the right place, and I have bigger problems than that.

2. God calls us, as Christ-followers, to love without prejudice, discrimination, expectation, or selfishness. Whatever guy (or girl) enters my life for however long, I need to love him (or her) anyway, no matter how attractive (or not).

3. I Thessalonians 3:24: Faithful is He Who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.

Have a blessed start to your week.

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Stand and Fall: A Brief Word Study

I received an incredible tidbit of insight from the Holy Spirit earlier. Reading my assignment for small group—we’re talking about true beauty, and currently discussing dating relationships and proper boundaries—I decided to take a closer look at one verse using blueletterbible.org.

I Corinthians 10:12: Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.

On the surface, a simple caution against becoming prideful and too comfy in our “holiness.” But the Spirit prompted me to look closer.

Among many definitions or synonyms for “stands” I found: kept intact, upheld, unharmed, immovable, and escape in safety, which I found very interesting. Escaping seems to convey running away, which doesn’t fit very well with the idea of standing firm. I like to think of one who stands as one who does not change, who constantly faces every challenge head-on with the same readiness and resolve.

But this cannot always be the case.

I Corinthians 6:18: Flee from sexual immorality. …

Flee. Such a small word conveys so much. A lot of things come to mind when I think of fleeing. For example, think of all those Discovery Channel documentaries where the antelope is fleeing a lion (or a panther, or a cheetah). You can almost see the fear in the antelope’s eyes and imagine the racing heart, the pounding hooves, the surge of adrenaline as it attempts to escape. It is clearly not standing firm as we think of it—if it did, the lion would very easily overpower the antelope, probably laughing at it for being so stupid. But if the antelope’s flight is (miraculously) successful, what happens? It is unharmed, it is kept intact. It is still standing.

Sometimes when standing with God, we do need to hold our ground and be immovable, such as when making a correct but difficult decision. But sometimes, standing involves fleeing temptation that would otherwise devour us, so that we can escape in safety.

Because what happens otherwise? What if someone does not “take heed that he does not fall”?

I also looked up definitions and synonyms for “fall,” and found: come under judgment, condemnation, overcome by terror, perish, descend from a higher place, be cast down from prosperity, fail to participate in or miss a share in.

Most of these weren’t surprising, until the definition cast down from prosperity then led to fail to participate in. After a little bit of thought, these two definitions actually go together. Even when Christians sin, as all humans do, we are covered by the blood of Jesus and therefore protected from God’s judgment and condemnation. But God does not remove the consequences for our sins, whatever they may be. Therefore, by sinning, we may lose out on blessings and good things in our lives. A man may lose his wife after the sin of adultery. A woman may lose a friendship after one too many hurtful words. God will not judge us for these sins, but we may still fail to participate in or miss a share in blessings that we might have had if we had stood and not … fallen.

Thank goodness it’s not up to just us and our own power.

I Corinthians 10:13: No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

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Work it From the Inside-Out

My Monday-night small group, not to be confused with my Sunday-night small group (I know, I know, you are just overwhelmed by my blinding holiness — i’m so spiritual, I get to use the carpool lane when I’m on my way to heaven) is currently discussing the idea of “true beauty” and the world’s view compared to the Lord’s view. One of the Scripture passages we read was:

1 Peter 3:3-4: Your adornment must not be merely external–braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.

This got me thinking how the world’s recommendation—magazines, websites, TV, etc.—says to work on the outside first. Get fit, get the right makeup, wear clothes that comple/iment your body, act sexy, and then you’ll feel better inside—confident, radiant, motivated!

The problem with that is that it’s so unstable. Even if you’re totally put-together, if you step outside into one sudden rainstorm, the whole package of well-done hair/makeup/outfit is literally washed away.

But when you work on the inside first—focusing on the gentle and quiet spirit and putting emphasis on outward appearance last—then not even the heaviest rainstorm can wash that away. And of course, “gentle and quiet spirit” doesn’t mean being weak, a pushover, and never speaking (fortunately for me), but having peace in the Lord and resting in Him.

And although inner peace and the love of Christ can shine out of us even on our worst-looking days, not even the most professional makeup or trendiest clothes can completely hide a harsh tongue or a broken spirit.

Proverbs 31:30: Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

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Eureka! At Last!

Several weeks after joining an 11-week Bible study, and I have had my first “aha!” moment.

I love those moments.

I wasn’t sure if I would have one, truth be told. It seemed that the class would be very interesting, but would build on my preexisting knowledge rather than provide brilliant new insights. I should have been more patient, but the Spirit finally flipped that illuminating switch in my brain.

As I said before, we have been studying Abraham, starting from Genesis mid-12 and so far reaching chapter 18. This covers about 25 years of Abraham’s life, and guess what we haven’t even gotten to yet? The birth of Isaac, the child God promised to Abraham and Sarah.

When studying patience, learning to wait on God, and searching our hearts to decide if we really think anything is too difficult for God, Bible studies and leaders often refer to Abraham. After all, he waited about 25 years before he began to see God’s promises fulfilled in the birth of Isaac, not counting the 75 years he had lived before God made His first promise to Abraham. But there’s another part of the story that I had never seen until today.

I never considered how gradual the Lord was in revealing His plans to Abraham.

The Lord didn’t just appear to Abraham one day and say, “Look, here’s what’s going down and what I’m gonna do for you. You’re going to the land of Canaan, which I’ll give to you and your descendants and all the nations that will come out of them. In a few years, say about 25, your wife, Sarah, is going to have a son by you at an insanely old age, say 90 or 91, and you’ll name him Isaac. Several generations from then my Son will be born of your descendants and He will redeem all of mankind forever and ever.”

That’s what was promised, but that’s not how God announced it.

First He says, “Leave your family and go to this place that I’ll show you.”

Once that was complete: “OK, see this land? You and your descendants will possess it all.”

Then, in the face of doubt: “Don’t worry, your descendants will come from your own body.”

Then: “OK, ‘wife’ should have been implied, but yes, it is your wife Sarah who will have your promised child. Oh, Ishmael? No, it’s okay, he’s taken care of.”

A little later: “All right, next year is when it’s all happening—you’ll have a son, and name him Isaac, and he will live under My covenant and all his descendants. Sarah, stop laughing. Just you wait. Trust Me, I’m God. I can do this.”

And guess what happened? All of it.

I can’t tell you what Abraham was thinking for those 25 years, but I can imagine. Maybe he was hoping that God would be a little more specific a little sooner. Maybe he wondered if he had misheard God in the first place, or that God hadn’t given him all the information he needed. Perhaps he wondered if God had deliberately left out information that Abraham had to figure out on his own.

God gave Abraham the information that he needed, as he needed it. God took the time to build a relationship with Abraham, who was living in a pagan land and probably was not entirely familiar with El Roi when He called him elsewhere. God did not overwhelm Abraham with a barrage of details regarding what would happen in his life. God led Abraham step by step, working through his human mistakes, assuring his human concerns, and finally bringing an answer to his wife’s doubtful laughter.

It all came together, but only the Lord knew every step and how they would all match up. And in several thousand years, I can’t see how that’s changed much.

What will happen in our lives? If we truly live by faith, if we really trust the Lord, and if we truly believe that nothing is too difficult for him, then all we can do is take everything one day at a time, working with the information that He provides, and having faith that He knows what’s going on. Because God’s got a plan, and it will work out somehow, even if it’s not exactly how we might have preferred, and even if we don’t have all the details.

As usual, the breakthrough is the easy part. The hard part is 1. Remembering the lesson, and 2. Applying it to the rest of my life.

Romans 4:18-22 is a relevant passage in Scripture, and one that was part of my Bible study homework this week:

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. This is why “it was credited to him as righteousness.”

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Whine: What is it Good For?

Philippians 2:14-16: Do all things without grumbling or disputing; so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I will have reason to glory because I did not run in vain nor toil in vain.

Moving from the MidWest to the DC Metro Area has been a massive learning experience. One thing I have learned is that Washington, D.C., really does have an attitude of, “I am the center of the universe and everything works through Me.” Considering the nature of government, and everything that goes on here, this attitude is definitely not unfounded—though that doesn’t mean it’s right. Even someone like myself, who neither works nor lives within The District (and indeed has a suspicion of government that runs deep, long, and wide), can get a little bit caught up in this sentiment.

But you know what? It’s not just me, and it’s not just here. It is, in fact, one of the less beautiful things about being human. To each of us, our problems, our feelings, our ideas and opinions, are the most important in the world. In a small way, that’s necessary to maintain a sense of self-preservation, without which the human race would die out. But we always take that too far, turning it into a terrible attitude of arrogance, self-importance, and disinterest in our fellow human beings.

I started thinking about this in depth yesterday, when I had to summarize an article about children in Guinea who are dying of preventable diseases such as smallpox, measles, and mumps. Their health needs are going unheeded because of sectarian violence that has gripped the nation and distracted the government, the economy, and the people, while international sanctions are preventing any kind of aid from reaching them. The article is here if you’re interested, but be warned that there are some pictures that may be disturbing.

Anyway, I shared this article with Bethany, who pointed out that this made her feel kind of ashamed of the things she complains about. This got me thinking: If I kept track of everything I complained about in a single day, I think I would be overwhelmed, embarrassed, and probably a little indignant, too.

Right now, the U.S. Mid-Atlantic region is still reeling from 8 days of heavy snows and wind. I’ve gone to the office only 4 of the past 9 workdays. Two weekends’ worth of plans have been disrupted, and I’ve been crabby with my roommate and bored with the food supplies I had stocked up in anticipation of these storms. We’ve had electricity and Internet go out a couple times. There’s been a lot for us to complain about.

BUT: I do not wake up in fear for my life, and I do not worry that I’m going to get shot as I go about the course of my day. I’m concerned about germs and proper food storage, but in my daily activities I’m not actually worried that I will catch a life-threatening disease. I’m not worried where my next meal is coming from, or that it is not coming at all. I’m not worried that my entire family could be killed simply because my religion is different from my neighbor’s.

But guess what I have? A roof over my head. A refrigerator full of food. Bottles full of basic medicines and vitamins. Bottles of vitamin water. Soap, makeup, perfume, and shampoo. A car with a full tank of gas and a snow shovel to dislodge it from its parking space. Hot water. Piles of blankets. Piles of clothes. Clean air and sunshine. A cell phone to keep in touch with people. Grocery stores within walking distance. The power has not been out for more than a few hours at a time. I can work from home and not use up vacation days or risk my safety.

And what have I been complaining about lately? How much I hate Valentine’s Day. How disappointed I am at not seeing the friends I want to see when I wanted to see them. I’m stuck inside, in the warmth. I have to shovel snow off my car. I’m not getting the right attention from the right guys. The sidewalks aren’t shoveled. My bedroom window is drafty. I don’t have any chocolate in my apartment. My church service was canceled last week. My boss actually expects me to work and do my job. I’m tired. I’m bored. My mom is too busy to call me back. The Subway where I’m writing this post is playing country music.

Maybe, just maybe, that whenever I complain about truly vain and trivial things, I will think of the children in Guinea, and I’ll pray for their physical health and spiritual salvation, and maybe I’ll have an attitude with a little more gratitude and humility. And remember Philippians 2:14-16.

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God is Shamelessly Extravagant

No Friday Frivolity today—I have to share something that occurred to me as I was doing a little devotional time at my work desk here.

I was reading Isaiah 40:31 as part of my Monday night Bible study, but then decided to go back and read all of 40, and then 41. This passage in particular struck me:

Isaiah 41:17-18: “The afflicted and needy are seeking water, but there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst; I, the LORD, will answer them Myself, as the God of Israel I will not forsake them. I will open rivers on the bare heights and springs in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water and the dry land fountains of water.”

The “afflicted and needy,” who have tongues “parched with thirst,” would probably be satisfied and immensely grateful if the Lord simply handed them a cup of water from heaven. That alone would be amazing.

But our God is a God of love, of abundance, and of shameless extravagance. How many times have we prayed to Him for something, waited for something, and wanted something, thinking how unfair it is that we don’t receive it? Surely God can hurry up with that little cup of water, right? It’s such a little thing, it shouldn’t be hard for him to provide to us, right?

Hold on a sec. He wants a heck of a lot more for us. We might be satisfied with a glass of water, but God is not. He wants to “open the rivers on the bare heights,” and “make the wilderness a pool of water.” And when He does, He wants to make sure we notice.

Have you ever received a blessing that far surpassed what you were hoping for? Think about it.

The Lord wants to be ridiculously generous with us. Our God is a God of shameless extravagance.

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Additional Words of Encouragement

Thanks to everyone who commented on the last post! The responses were amazing, well-thought-out, insightful, and more numerous than I had anticipated. I really appreciate it—especially because many of you put into words the concerns that I had, but somehow could not express. (And don’t worry, this isn’t someone I am dating or even considering.)

Now on to the true purposes of this post…

Dear Friends:

I’m posting this so people will read it (Duh), because I consider it exceedingly important. I have a special message for any of you who comes across this blog and may be going through some kind of difficulty right now.

Here is the message:

Everything is going to be OK.

I know, I may have oversimplified it a bit, so allow me to explain. Many of us are going through difficult times—whether it’s related to our job, church, family, residence, health, relationship, education, and so on—and are not sure what to do, how to react, or what things will be like once we have emerged from the other side of it.

But it’s going to be OK!

How do I know? For three months after I graduated from (a prestigious-for-a-tiny-four-year-liberal-arts) college, I was unemployed with a useless degree. I was busting my butt trying to find a job around my (sort-of) hometown, with little encouragement and nowhere else to go.

I was also over-paying rent for a house I lived in by myself, and come winter I found out that the house had leaky windows and no insulation, and one month my gas bill was over $180.

By that time I had gotten the only job I was able to get, which involved working for a drug-testing company and included collecting urine samples. Most of my workday involved being harassed (sexually and otherwise), scammed, and cursed at by nasty, sometimes-violent, drug-dependent and -dealing patients from the very dregs of society. During that time, and even now, I remain pro-drug-legalization, but I wanted to see all these people arrested simply because I hated them. (Most of them—a few were nice and cooperative.)

Several months later, in trying to find a job in the DC area, I had three excellent prospects and was turned down by all of them. I was also rejected for an internship that I wanted very badly—one for which a college professor had recommended me. By this point I was seriously questioning my faith and decided that prayer, church-going, Bible study, and God in general wasn’t getting me anywhere, so f*** it, I was going to take it from there, all by myself.

I basically said, “God, I know You’re there, but I don’t want to have anything to do with You anymore.”

That was the night that, not wanting to be alone, I drove to the house of a dear friend of mine. This friend was, in fact, teaching in Mexico at the time, but I was still friends with her parents and siblings. Right when I arrived, her mother was contacting her on Skype, and I was able to share in the conversation. About three hours later, I left the house with a great sense of restoration, and I knew that God was still giving me exactly what I needed, and when—even when it seemed so small.

Eventually, I moved to the DC area with a very little in savings and no job or apartment. I slept on the couch at a friend’s apartment for three weeks before finding a place with other friends. I was progressing very nicely in the process of getting a writing job with a non-profit, until they hired someone else. That was the last of my prospects, until I had a couple interviews with the company I now work for.

The job I have now is not what I’m doing the rest of my life. But it’s enough for now, especially when you consider also the amazing church that I’m involved with, and the fantastic friendships that I’ve made, as well as several experiences that I could not have had if I had continued to reject God and fail to trust Him.

Not everything is wonderful right now, and in the almost-year-and-a-half that I’ve been out in the DC area, I have experienced my share of drama, disappointment, and overall crap—including flirting with an eating disorder, dating/guy drama, and depression.

But when it’s bad, it’s not going to stay that way. And God is faithful throughout.

Psalm 86:15: But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Even if you don’t want to take my word for it, there are dozens of examples out there, past and present, of God’s faithfulness, or how, at the very least, things can change and hardly anything in life is static. For some more worldly examples, I recently read an interview about a current plus-size fashion designer who used to run a children’s non-profit. A few years ago, a book I was reading had an “About the Author” section that mentioned a list of previous jobs she’d held, which included “burrito-maker.”

Your current circumstances can affect your future. But they probably will not be your future.

Now, lest anyone misinterpret me, here is what I’m NOT saying:

1. I’m not saying that you have no right to complain—I bet you do. But believe me, I’ve tried, and it doesn’t help.

2. I’m not saying I’ve had it worse than you so don’t tell me about it—everyone has different experiences and circumstances, one just as valid as the next.

3. I’m not saying that things will never get worse than this, or that things will get better for ever after—life is a series of ups and downs.

4. I’m not saying that your feelings during this difficult period are not valid. Although feelings cannot be the foundation of our decisions, they cannot be completely ignored or denied.

5. I’m not saying, “You should listen to me because I am all-knowing and wise, and I have had so many more experiences than you.” I just think that my experiences, and coming out of the other sides of them, are a testament to the fact that God is faithful, and you are all going to be OK, too. It just may end up different from what you had expected.

6. I’m not advocating being passive and waiting for change—you do have to take initiative and make changes to some extent.

So, just to reiterate what I’ve been saying: I know how you feel—and that’s why I know you’ll be OK.

Sincerely and With Love,

Me

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Trading the Golden Calf for a Fatted Calf

In general Christian circles, pretty much everyone knows about the Last Night of the Church Retreat—after you’ve been having fun and then the retreat speaker drops the Serious Bomb. You make a life-changing decision, or you come closer to God than ever before, or you see things clearly for the first time. Or—none of that happens and you’re disappointed that it didn’t. As something of a contrarian, I often roll my eyes at the idea … until guess what?

Yep, it happened to me.

I got back yesterday from a weekend church retreat, and although the whole deal fell short of what I would personally call “fun” (I am quite literally not a happy camper), I had an incredible spiritual experience that left me very, very glad that I had gone. I hesitated to share it on this blog because it is very personal. But I shared it on my private blog , and several people have already thanked me for doing so. One friend said that I had pointed out how something in the Old Testament is relevant today. Because of that, and because someone reading this may be struggling with the same thing, I decided to just suck it up and be vulnerable.

Quick rundown: The general theme of the retreat was High School. The general lesson was about Loving God More—so simple, yet so deep. The Saturday night message, the Serious Bomb, was about the backpacks we carry, full of sin. These aren’t the backpacks that tumble off when, like in Pilgrim’s Progress, we accept Christ and His forgiveness. These are backpacks that we choose to keep on our backs, as followers of Christ, even though He has forgiven everything we’re carrying in them.

During this talk, I thought about what was in my backpack. There was plenty, of course, but I was having difficulty grasping the idea that much of it was related to one single sin. Depression isn’t necessarily a sin. Shyness isn’t necessarily a sin. What was my sin?

Finally it came to me: Idolatry. What’s the idol? Exactly what I’ve been blogging about for months: a nonexistent boyfriend. That boyfriend that I have never had, that I have wanted since at least the age of 14—and quite possibly earlier.

That alone isn’t really idolatry. A desire for intimacy and human relationships isn’t sinful—in fact, it’s usually God-given. But I was serving these desires instead of God, doing things for the idol that should have been done for God, in an attempt to bring myself closer to that idol, or to appease that idol. I mean, the main reason I had even gone on the retreat was that I know someone who met his girlfriend there last year, and maybe this was my chance. I said that I felt God calling me to move to the DC area, when I mostly just wanted to move to a place that (so I heard) was singles-friendly. (That was before I realized I wanted to marry an anti-government radical with Midwestern values.)

And yet, despite taking up so much of my energy, my time, my thoughts, and even my prayer life for a decade or more, I’ve never actually had a boyfriend. Oh, I’ve had a couple of opportunities—but I turned them down because they did not fit the image that I had created in my head. They were not the Golden Calf that I had pictured.

On Saturday night, I finally realized why God never answered my prayers. I had been asking Him to give me an idol. No matter how many times I ask Him for it, God isn’t going to give me my idol. The Bible makes it clear that God will allow us to follow idols, if that’s what we choose. Numerous times in the Bible, God handed the Israelites over to the idols they had chosen to worship.

Nehemiah 9:26-28: But they were disobedient and rebelled against You; they put Your law behind their backs. They killed Your prophets, who had admonished them in order to turn them back to You; they committed awful blasphemies. So You handed them over to their enemies, who oppressed them. But when they were oppressed they cried out to You. From heaven You heard them, and in Your great compassion You gave them deliverers, who rescued them from the hand of their enemies.

Ezekiel 20:31: When you offer your gifts—the sacrifice of your sons in the fire—you continue to defile yourselves with all your idols to this day. Am I to let you inquire of Me, O house of Israel? As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign Lord, I will not let you inquire of Me.

Isaiah 57:13: When you cry out for help, let your collection of idols save you! The wind will carry all of them off, a mere breath will blow them away. But the man who makes Me his refuge will inherit the land and possess My holy mountain.

God doesn’t supply the idols. He is not going to fulfill desires that will take us away from Him.

Exodus 34:14: Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.

I Corinthians 10:13: No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

I finally realized that my identity had not been in Christ, but in the idol I was pursuing. It was like I had spent years running down a tunnel, chasing a distant light, until I collapsed under the weight of this “backpack.” And then God came up to me with a lantern, asking if I was ready to walk with Him, at the pace He would set. I finally said “Yes,” and meant it.

Saturday night’s lesson ended with a reexamination of the story of the Prodigal Son, which had never meant more to me than it did on that day. Things may not have gotten easier yet, but they’re better, and my outlook is more positive than it was. My Father is cooking that fatted calf to welcome back His prodigal.

So, this being a blog about singleness, for single women, I have to ask: might this be a problem for you, as well? I’m not saying that if you’re single and unhappy about it, you must be an idolater as I had been. But do consider examining and possibly rethinking 1. your motives, 2. your priorities, and 3. where you are finding your identity. Are you living your life secure in your identity as a servant, a lover, and a daughter of Christ? Or are you drawing your identity from something else?

What’s your golden calf?

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Is the One You’re Looking For, Looking For You?

Do you ever listen to speakers, and they say something that sticks to you, even though it’s not wholly related to the topic and would normally get lost in the flow of words and ideas? That happened to me this past Sunday at church. The message was part two of two, discussing the church community. (Because of out-of-town travels, I missed part one.) It was a good message, but there was something that I heard that wasn’t a main point, but it got plugged into my head and stayed there.

The speaker (not our usual pastor) discussed service within the Christian church community, and briefly compared it to marriage. In a marriage, he said, instead of looking for the right person, what you should be focused on is being the right person. He went on to discuss other points, but that one sentence is what I remember most from the message.

There are two reasons, I think, that this stuck with me:

1. It’s true.

2. I have failed.

As my own worst critic, I struggled to avoid thinking, “I haven’t been doing this, therefore I’m a horrible person.” That’s another trap we must avoid. There’s a balance between liking oneself and recognizing one’s faults. Of course we should be humble, but not to the point where we fail to recognize our merits. Of course we should be aware of our faults, but not so much that we consider improvement to be impossible.

For those single ladies out there who don’t want to be single: Where is your focus? Are you constantly looking outward, at the world around you, keeping an eye out for that one person who will catch your attention, the one you’ve been waiting for? Do you have a long checklist that this person must meet, otherwise it’s no use? Are you only looking outward, instead of upward (to God) and inward (at yourself)?

Could you meet someone’s checklist? Oh, I’m not talking about “blue eyes” or “over 5’5″” or “athletic,” but qualities that a sane, genuine, emotionally healthy person wants in a spouse. While you’re searching for the right person, are you working on becoming the right person—that is, Christlike? Or are you rejecting people because they have specks in their eyes, when you have an entire plank that has been ignored?

Have you been cultivating a spirit of generosity, kindness, love, and honesty? Have you been forgiving when you are sinned against? Have you been apologetic for the sins you’ve committed against others? Have you been someone worthy of trust? Have you been growing in your walk with God, putting Him first in your time, resources, and decisions?

And if you haven’t … then why should you deserve someone who has?

This can be so frustrating, because it’s hard. Ultimately, yes, it is the Holy Spirit that changes hearts and minds and forms us into a more Christlike shape. But there is work for us to do, and sometimes—most of the time—we don’t feel like it. At least I don’t—I just want to be who I am, and have someone accept me that way.

But friends, that’s nothing but stagnation—and it literally stinks.

So what should we do? Take our cues from Micah 6:8: “He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

But also remember that we should be cultivating the Fruit of the Spirit: Galatians 5:22-23 says it is “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”

But the reason it is the Fruit of the Spirit is because it is not our fruit—we can’t grow it ourselves. That’s why we need the Holy Spirit to initiate the change, while we perform the work God has for us.

I’m not saying, “Do these things and you will get a husband/boyfriend/significant other.”

I’m saying that these are the things that attract the right kind of people, and make us into the right kind of people. And it involves putting God first, which is always the first step

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Walking Thoughts

Friedrich Nietzsche was fairly mad and relatively egotistical, but he also had some good observations, like “All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.” I don’t know about you, but about every thought I’ve had that was really worth much entered my brain a) while walking or b) while staying up ridiculously late writing an English paper. (It’s amazing the inner brilliance you discover at 3am.) Today, however, will be about a thought brought about by walking (and, I believe, by God’s mercy). While I’m not sure this thought falls into the “truly great” (or even truly scrumptious) category, it was helpful to me and I hope it will be to you as well.

I was pondering possible post topics and one thing that was bouncing around in my brain was the idea of marriage and family life as a holiness-maker, a thought inspired partly by the Girl’s Guide (and ensuing conversation with Emily) and partly by conventional wisdom. The Girl’s Guide points out that “marriage is a school of character” and I’ve often heard parents say: “I never knew what love and selflessness really meant until I had my child.” Certainly marriage is (as are, to different degrees, family life and friendship) a tool God uses to teach us, stretch us, challenge us to sacrificially love people who are sometimes beautiful and sometimes infuriating—and sometimes both at the same time. He uses it to ask us to sacrifice our own convenience sometimes, to compromise on the color of the dining room or the temperature on the thermostat.

I agree with this—marriage is one way God refines us, shows us an image of Christ and the Church, teaches us, makes us holy.  So I said to God: “God, I don’t want to miss out and live a life of selfish spinsterhood!  I want to be holy.”  As I turned this over in my head, the thought occurred to me—it hadn’t before—that perhaps the particular ways in which God wants to refine me right now are not those that marriage is best suited to bring about. Now I’m not saying that singleness, any more than marriage, is the source of super-holiness. I am only saying that, perhaps, for now, the lessons God has for me are those of patience, trust, sacrifice of comfort, living for His approval instead of for man’s or taking initiative, lessons that are, for me best learned as a single woman. In fact, I’m fairly certain that those are areas I still need to grow in and in which I have already grown as a single person.

And so while I don’t know what God’s will is for me in the marriage department, I do know that God wants for all of us to grow up in Him:

It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up, until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.  Ephesians 4:11-13

He provides people and situations that allow us to be built up and build one another up. The goal here is not some earthly position or other happiness, but something which promises better: “the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.” For this end, I believe, He is willing to use any circumstances or people necessary to us gaining knowledge and developing character, whether it be learning joyful sacrifice and submission as we learn to live with another sinful human in marriage or whether it be learning patience and to trust and love Him above all as a single person. Or something else entirely. From now on, I’m going to try and give Him free rein to teach me whatever He wants by whatever means He sees fit.

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A Woman’s Guide to “A Girl’s Guide”: Part 3

After we were on a bit of a roll with the posting, this blog has been rather quiet, so our apologies for that. Bethany recently moved back home, and is preparing for a year of study abroad in Berlin, where she will work in a cabaret and marry an English writer. (Or maybe not.) Meanwhile, I’ve been dealing with internal stuff such as ill health and a bad attitude, neither of which are conducive to my productivity here.

But anyway, I’ve just finished reading and taking notes on the last chapter of “A Girls’ Guide to Marrying Well.” (Have I mentioned that I am slightly peeved at their use of “girl”? Girls don’t marry. Women do.) For this discussion of Chapter Four on Christian Compatibility, I’m going to switch it up a bit and first address the parts that I liked and/or agreed with, and then go into the more critical stuff.

(This is also going to be a two-parter within my series. I hope that didn’t just blow your mind. I had too much to say about the last chapter for one blog post.)

First, I appreciate the authors’ criticism of “soul mates.” They reiterate that marriage is a ministry that can be difficult at times, and that love is a choice that must be made every day. The authors offer non-negotiable traits that Christian women should look for in a husband, creating a short but spectacular list:

–A man must be a believer.
–He must be able and willing to provide for his family.
–He must love sacrificially.
–He must be honest, have a good reputation, and strive for the qualities of a spiritual leader. (See Acts 6:3, 1 Timothy 3:1-7, and Titus 1:6-9)

But on top of these things, they reminded readers that women must expect to marry a sinner who will not be perfect—he will be in need of grace and “realistic expectations,” even in a “good relationship.” They also noted that younger men are works in progress that should not be unfairly compared to more mature, refined, etc. men of 50 or so. The men we marry should also love Jesus more than they love us. We should also pray about the entire situation.

Ta-daaa! All wonderful things, I must say.

But … I will not lie, this was a fun chapter to read. It was pretty funny, for after getting fired up about the first chapter, generally agreeing with the second and third threw me off a bit. I was starting to think, “Aw, man, am I just going to be agreeing with this the rest of the way?”

Oh, no, my friends. No, I am not.

They did dispense with the “soul mate” idea, but not for the reasons it has always bothered me. Christ completes us. Another human being cannot. But they do not mention that. Perhaps because a Christian woman is already expected to know that? I hope that’s the reason. But still, it was unsettling for it to be left out.

So instead of a soul mate, what should we be looking for? Not looks, apparently:

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). The Bible is telling young men to search for a woman of character; looks won’t last, but character never leaves. The same is true when you’re searching for a man. Marriage is 98 percent living and 2 percent looking — so learn to value character over appearance.

That’s my favorite Bible verse. But I think many people take Proverbs 31 a bit too literally. Doing so is the spiritual version of a model on the cover of Vogue—idealized and humanly impossible—and often we miss the spirit of the instruction for the sake of the words. Young Christian men who are over-eager to find a “Proverbs 31 Woman” may become preoccupied with finding a woman who fits the old-fashioned idea of the perfect housewife, who literally arises before dawn to make clothes and bake bread and weave blankets. In seeking this woman, they may reject one who may not be the greatest cook, but does have the “strength and dignity” of verse 25, who speaks with the wisdom and faithful instruction (verse 26) and is still a hard worker (verse 27). Just not in the conventional sense.

(I love it that no one seems to take literally the verses in Proverbs 31: 3, and 31:6-7:  “Do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings” and “Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish; let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.”)

I DO want to know where they got the “98 percent living / 2 percent looking” statistic. Are you literally, physically blind at some point in your marriage? Do you not look at your spouse while you’re “living” marriage? What does this statistic even mean? Of course character should be valued above appearance—it runs deeper, and it lasts longer. But from a practical standpoint, in choosing a spouse, you are choosing someone you are going to look at for the rest of your life. Doesn’t it stand to reason that you want to choose someone you like to look at?

I’m not saying appearance should be top priority, I just don’t think it should be disregarded. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a mate of both character and beauty. Humans were made to admire beauty, desire it, seek it—but not to be deceived by it. God chose David, a man after His own heart, to become king over Israel. (I Samuel 13:14 and Acts 13:22). But David was still a hottie (I Samuel 16:12). Did God create this entire, breathtaking world—with the jeweled colors of the hummingbird, the shapes of the clouds, the rhythm of the sea, as well as the human form—only for us to say “Appearance is unimportant, don’t consider it” ?

In defense of character, I have mentioned elsewhere that a person’s conceived appearance can change with further acquaintance. Their physical attractiveness is heavily dependent on personality, character, intelligence, etc. I might think that a guy is hott until I find out that he cheated on his wife, strangled a kitten, or practiced voodoo. Or that he was just generally a jerk. But a less-attractive guy can become more handsome, if I get to know him and find out that he’s fun, or very kind, or interesting, or some such combination. And I’m not saying, “Oh, he has all these good qualities, I will overlook his less-attractive exterior for their sake.” I mean that I actually perceive him as more physically attractive because of these unseen qualities.

I think this happens to most people if they give it a chance. It shows that, yes, character is not only more important, but it influences physical attractiveness. Physical attraction is still something to be regarded. This is why it cannot be the foundation of a relationship. But it can still play a role. It brings people together through the first spark of interest, for one thing. And one of my favorite Boundless contributors (and I mean that ironically) said her husband is “more spiritually mature, more seasoned, even more handsome” [emphasis mine] after 10 years of marriage. And she says that is a good thing. So clearly appearance is a factor in attraction and relationships. It’s just not the most important thing.

But what gets me in this Guide is that they seem to assume that if a woman does not want to marry a man who meets the admirable criteria listed above, it is because he’s not good-looking enough. But there are so many other reasons not to want to marry a particular godly man!

If you’re holding out for perfection, or have a long list of must-haves, it’s possible you’re overlooking some good men who are already in your life. … Even if he’s shorter than you. Or younger. Or bald. Failing to meet our worldly expectations—our romantic shopping list—is no liability if he meets biblical ones. That’s the only list that matters.

I said before that their non-negotiable list is wonderful and should be followed when determining the foundation of a potential relationship. But the quote directly above oversimplifies things. There are plenty of other things that go into finding a mate and establishing compatibility. Even if you don’t believe that God created each of us with an ideal mate—except for those gifted with singleness—you can’t believe that any Christian can be married to any other Christian with successful results. I know a man whose first wife was a Christian, but they divorced because she was essentially mentally unstable. And this man meets the criteria, and they shared a Christian faith. And yet there were other things that contributed to the failure of their marriage.

Bethany tells me, “If there are people one couldn’t room with, there are people one couldn’t marry.” Spot-on.

The Guide takes nothing about personality into account. There are some people I absolutely cannot stand to be around, and it’s not because they are terrible people. I know another guy who is both godly and good-looking, who meets every important quality for a Christ-follower, husband, and father. But thank God he’s married to someone else, because our personalities are very different and sometimes I just want to smack him.

Personally, I have some very radical political beliefs, and while they are not un-Biblical, they’re not exactly mainstream. Not every Christian man, no matter how open-minded or loving, could stand to live with me. (And I don’t want someone who can “put up with” my personality. I want someone who loves me for who I am, quirks and all. And vice-cersa.) Although I’m not even sure if I want to have children someday (a cardinal sin to the crew of the S.S. Boundless), I have some very decided beliefs on how I would raise them if I did have any, and I would want a husband whose ideas mesh with mine. And what of differing beliefs when it comes to non-salvation-related issues? What about life goals? Or cultural differences?

These things are important, too, and while not as important, they can still be deal-breakers!

You and your husband are not going to agree on everything all the time. But aren’t there some things that you don’t want to clash about for the rest of your life?

As for those annoying little habits that just aren’t going to change? After marriage, they still aren’t going to change. Some people just can’t live with certain things, and that’s just the way they are.

Bethany says, “I really have very low standards for the beauty of a potential mate. But there are definitely some people I really couldn’t live with.”

Exactly.

But in the Guide, they seem to believe that a woman who does not want a particular man is basing her decision on “selfish” reasons. Once (and only once) I was asked out by a young-man friend of mine. And by “asked out,” I don’t mean, “let’s get coffee,” but “let’s pursue a relationship.” He had the non-negotiable qualities previously listed, but for a variety of reasons that included personality differences, non-salvation beliefs, and attraction, I decided against this. I knew that this relationship would not last, even if I chose to give it a go, and I knew that ultimately we would make each other miserable. I was 100% certain that God was leading us in different directions. It broke my heart to tell him I didn’t think it would work out, but guess who met someone else and is now happily married?

And was I selfish to do this? According to the Guide, I was. I should have settled. Looking back on all the things we both would have missed out on if things had gone in another direction, I still know I made the right choice.

So ladies, even if he’s a single, godly man (if you currently have such an option in your life), that doesn’t automatically make him marriage material for you. Any cause for hesitation deserves another look.

In my next post: Chapter Four of the Guide, continued, with discussions of loving one another, what women can do to encourage guys, and staying objective.

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A Woman’s Guide to “A Girl’s Guide”: Part One

I completely forgot that I had signed up to receive A Girl’s Guide to Marrying Well from the Christian webzine, Boundless, and was extremely excited to find it in my email today, immediately deciding to critique it for this blog. (I’d link to it directly, but you have to sign up for it yourself if you want a copy.)

I have to confess, I have a love-hate relationship with Boundless. Most of their general stuff about living the Christian life is great. Honestly. Check it out. I mean it.

Hold off on the stuff about being single, though. When the site talks about singleness and marriage, I tend to feel my skin crawl and have steam come out of my ears. A few years ago, for a few months of my life, I was totally on board with everything the Boundless authors said. Eventually, somehow, that cooled down and I realized that a lot of what they say is somewhat over-the-top and, in a few cases, biblically questionable. Not that I don’t want to get married, or that I don’t want God to bring me the right man. I’m just a little, oh, more level-headed about it.

I’ve been wanting to address a Boundless piece on this blog for quite some time now, so this seemed like the perfect opportunity to do so. Plus, it specifically mentions things that I have recently discussed here. Be warned, though, that I am one of those people who says, “I’m not cynical, I’m realistic,” so I may sound a bit harsh or melodramatic. (What else is new, right?)

But if you read nothing else in this post, read this: In all seriousness, I’m not here to bash marriage. Clearly. I really would like to get married someday to the right man, but I’d be happy serving the Lord as a single woman, if that is His will instead. And I’m very happy for the authors of this Guide, that their marriages apparently have worked out so well. I just don’t think that singleness is any less important or useful a state than marriage is, and I think that focusing too much on getting married in the future may cause women (and men, to be fair) to miss out on blessings in the present.

That said, let us proceed.

I had to heave a sigh when I read the opening sentence of the intro: Most women hope to marry, but for many, it’s not happening like they thought it would.

Welcome to life. Many things don’t work out as we had thought they would. Does that mean it’s also not happening as God thought it would? Isn’t He bigger than that? Maybe He has other plans. I had hoped to finish my novel by now, but stuff happens. And guess what? Life goes on, and it’s OK. I haven’t given up hope, I’m just doing other stuff, too. Stuff I never planned. Stuff I never even considered or thought possible.

The first part of the Guide involves being intentional toward marriage: living life as if you plan to get married. The authors write:

Living like you’re planning to marry means intentionally resisting the cultural traps of male bashing [but what if they deserve it??], procrastinating [?], unrealistic expectations, hyper independence [what does that even mean?], and avoiding risk and instead cultivating community, stewardship, and purity — the elements of Christian discipleship that can best help you recognize and embrace good opportunities for marriage.

Except for the things that I don’t quite understand (like what she means by procrastination and hyper-independence, which go unexplained in this chapter), I’m actually supportive of this. But that’s just the thing: these are good things to practice as a Christian, whether you are planning to get married or not. Being single doesn’t give you any extra moral leeway—as Christians, we should be cultivating godliness and a Christ-like example out of obedience to God, out of a desire to serve Him, whether we are single or married. I tend to think that any other motivation puts a hypothetical future husband first, instead of God—and that’s called idolatry, sisters.

Matthew 6:31-33: So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I think this applies to seeking/hoping for a spouse, as well. God knows what you want and need. He’s got you covered, literally and figuratively.

As for intentionality, what if God really intends for you to not marry? Or to be single for a relatively long time? I mean, really. It could happen. Lest you think me too critical, there is plenty in this Guide that I agree with. For example:

The problem of delayed marriage has a lot to do with men who won’t take initiative.

YEAH. MAYBE. YA THINK?

To the men we say, “Get going, it’s time you accept the challenge to pursue marriage.”

ABOUT TIME.

And to the women, “Stop glorifying the single years as a super-holy season of just you and Jesus.” Yes, being single does provide the chance to be uniquely intimate with Jesus. Enjoy that. But don’t over-emphasize it.

Wait … what? HOLD UP.

What happened to men being attracted to women who were happy and confident and at peace? What happened to having a heart fully devoted to the Lord? If we are, in the words of a Christian author I deeply admire, “sassy, single, and satisfied,” are we supposed to pretend to be miserable so that men can come in and rescue us from our unbearable loneliness? Don’t men tend to steer clear of needy, desperate women?

(As usual, Bethany’s reaction is much calmer and to-the-point: “That is really discouraging to people trying to see the good in what is now.”)

But there is more. It continues:

Why? Because it gives guys permission to kick back and let you. If they think you’re perfectly happy as a single, why wouldn’t they let you stay that way? Especially when so many of them are gun shy.

First of all, if a man is gun-shy—either with women or with actual guns—I’ll say “No, thanks.” Secondly, if that’s his attitude, then clearly he himself is not that intentional toward marriage. If I do get married, I’m looking for someone who has a heart for Jesus and is happy with his life, and who is seeking a woman of similar traits. I realize that there may be a balance between, “I LOVE BEING SINGLE! I’M SO HAPPY THIS WAY, I DON’T NEED A MAN, YOU PUNKS! BE GONE!” (of which I have been guilty) and “I AM SO MISERABLE! SOMEONE PLEASE MARRY MEEEEEEEE SO I CAN BE HAPPY” (of which I have also been guilty), but what does that balance look like? “Yes, I’m happy now, but I’d be happier if I had a husband”? Are you sure? Any husband? Really?

How about: “I’m so happy with my relationship with the Lord and where I am in my life! I want to share that happiness with someone” ?

After reading more, I became concerned that this guide is putting marriage on a pedestal of nearly idolatrous levels:

Marriage holds the possibility of partnership, adventure, creativity, challenge and many more of the things we long for, but try to obtain with inferior pursuits. As Amy and Leon Kass observed in their roles as professors at the University of Chicago, “…we detect among our students certain (albeit sometimes unarticulated) longings — for friendship, for wholeness, for a life that is serious and deep, and for associations that are trustworthy and lasting — longings that they do not realize could be largely satisfied by marrying well.” (Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar, 2)

Although singleness is clearly different from being married, a life lived for Christ holds all those things and more, for people in either state. I may be resorting to cliche by pulling out the “Paul card,” but was Paul’s life any less adventurous, creative, serious, or challenging because he was unmarried? Did he want for partnership and “trustworthy associations”? Not only was he in close intimacy with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, but he had the help, love, and support of Christians elsewhere in the world, such as Timothy and Epaphroditus.

Can you imagine this conversation going on somewhere in the Roman Empire?

Some guy: “Hey, Paul, how’s it going? Haven’t seen you in a couple years.”
Paul: “Going well, thanks. Hey, I heard you got married. Congratulations.”
SG: “Thanks! Oh, man, it’s awesome. It’s the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to me. What have you been up to?”
P: “The usual, you know. Making tents. Got thrown in prison with a friend. Sang some praises to God, and watched the walls collapse and our chains fall off, and then the jailer became a Christ-follower. It was fantastic. Was in a shipwreck, too, carrying the Word of God across the world. Oh, and an angry mob stoned me last month. That hurt. So, marriage is exciting, huh?”
SG: ” … “

And for a more feminine and recent example, what about Mother Teresa? NEED I SAY MORE?

Perhaps these are extreme examples, but I think that what many people seek in marriage, they really should first seek in Christ. This is what I’ve been emphasizing lately on this blog, and I see no reason to back down from what I have said. I’m not saying that marriage doesn’t offer the things they mentioned, but they’re not exclusive to marriage, and marriage doesn’t guarantee them. I don’t believe that being single is necessarily inferior to being married—I think both circumstances can be blessings from God and used to His purpose, and they both carry their own advantages and difficulties.

(Bethany adds, “So much of life is in its purpose and in the goals, not in our state. … Plus, if we are incapable of adventure and friendship now, how is marriage going to fix us?”)

One thing I rather dislike is the emphasis on marriage as an end in itself, a mythical “happily ever after.” Single life may have ended, but life in general goes on, long after the I-do’s are said. It’s not necessarily smooth sailing once the bride has been kissed and the cake has been cut. I’m not saying that all relationships are unnecessarily difficult, and certainly there are efforts that spouses can take to make things easier for each other. But marriage doesn’t simplify things, and it doesn’t automatically make you happier all the time.

Now that I’ve dug myself into this hole of criticism, let me attempt to get out of it by saying that the Guide does a great job of addressing a lot of the problems that single Christians face, especially when it comes to interactions between the sexes and attitudes toward dating.

I’ve recently observed several non-dating relationships that seem to fall into the “intimate friends” category. In every case, it is the woman who is paying the price emotionally. Why? When a guy starts investing his heart, he can do something about it by making a move. And if the girl rejects him, the friendship ends or changes significantly. [Oh man, I’ve been there.] A woman, however, can hang on in this kind of relationship indefinitely, hoping the guy will eventually share her feelings. She makes herself available to him as a “friend,” all the while hoping the friendship will blossom into something more. [Alas, I’ve been there, too.]

I don’t think it’s impossible to have close male-female friendships without romantic feelings existing in either person, but it can be difficult. I don’t think that men and women need to abandon their opposite-sex friends if one or both parties are not “marriage-attracted” to each other (a phrase I coined INSTANTLY), as long as they’re open and honest about where the friendship is going. Being open and honest saves a lot of trouble.

Single men and women are failing each other. Uncommitted intimate friendships may satiate immediate needs, but they lead to frustration and heartache. Not to mention, for singles ready for marriage, these “friendships” waste time and energy.

Another author seems to agree with me that close male-female relationships are not impossible, though less-advisable. However, the reasoning is slightly … off:

Close friendships by their very nature tend to involve extensive time talking and hanging out one-on-one. They tend to involve a deep knowledge of the other person’s hopes, desires and personality. They tend to involve the sharing of many aspects of each other’s daily lives and routines. In other words, they tend to involve much of the type of intimacy and companionship involved in — and meant for — marriage.

Soooo, does this mean that Bethany and I should stop leading each other on and get married? Hmm, well I guess that solves our singleness issues, but not quite what I was looking for. OK, so that was a cheap shot. My apologies.

But there are other parts of the Guide that make me cheer and say, “Well done!”

Once you’ve met a man you’d like to date, then it’s time to exercise kindness, put your best foot forward in friendship, pray like crazy and maintain good boundaries. The best way to motivate a male friend to “make things official” is to back off from spending so much time with him. If everyone thinks you’re dating, then you’re probably acting like you are. But by giving him so much access to your time, affection and intimate friendship — without requiring any commitment on his part — you’re removing all the incentives for him to be forthright about his intentions.

I read this and thought, “Wow, this is advice that Marianne Dashwood really should have followed in Sense and Sensibility.” (Which means it’s probably good advice for me, since she and I have a number of things in common.) And then I got completely thrown by the next bit, which seems to disregard what they said earlier:

It’s frustrating to feel like there’s nothing you can do. But you can pray and you can go about the life God has given you; living to the full. The young man may observe you being content and find your confidence attractive (assuming it’s genuine). That’s always a possibility.

It IS! That’s what I’ve been trying to TELL you! And it’s something you should do even if there isn’t a man who may be interested!

Well, that concludes my analysis of the first part of A Girl’s Guide to Marrying Well. Because I took so much time and space, I will address parts 2-4 at a later time. Happy Wednesday!

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There, but for the Grace of God

In gathering ideas for another post, I was rereading some of my previous ones, which included the examination of the unfortunate list of 10 tips to woo women. I started browsing the original website (The Times of India) and found this article, clearly appropriate for over-analysis on our blog: On a Lonely Trail. I confess, I was expecting something as astonishing and hilarious as the last article I read from that website.

What really struck me about this article, however, was how truly sad it was. Not in the execution, but the message itself. Instead of feeling sorry for all these people who are miserable because they are single, all I could think was how being single was not, in fact, their biggest problem. I kept thinking: These people need the love and peace of Jesus Christ.

It’s also sad that something so true has become a somewhat cheesy, eye-rolling cliche, but they do! They do need Jesus, as we all do! He is everything! That doesn’t mean that, even with a personal relationship with Him, we will never feel lonely or uncertain. We are human beings created for interaction and relationships with other human beings. But when people speak of a void in their life, they’re not really referring to the lack of a spouse or committed partner, but to that “God-shaped hole” that exists in every human heart, that cannot be filled by anything else. As an example, here is an excerpt from the article:

Anamika, a PR executive says candidly, “I let go of everything – my leisure time, my friends and even pampering myself – for my career. But now I’m only left with a great job and little else. I felt only accomplishments matter in life but now I feel the need for a partner too.” Even though many singles have a good equation with their family and friends, but still they feel a void inside. [sic]

As a Christian, I do not believe in soul mates, that there is another person out there who will “complete” me. I am complete and whole in Christ, and an individual who is lovingly created by Him. Obviously, that does not remove the also-God-given desire for a mate, but even if that desire is never realized, I will still be a complete person, and I will know that God’s plan ultimately prevailed, and that heaven—where there is no marriage, no male or female—awaits me still. If being single is still difficult sometimes for me, who knows all this, how much worse must it be for the lonely singles who are also without the hope and peace that comes from a personal relationship with an almighty God who loves us?

So even as singles continue to march on in life, they find it hard to admit that they are unhappy about their single status. But now many are admitting to a desire for that elusive emotional anchor.

But a mate does not provide such an anchor! Of course, there is some stability in having the right partner, but it is still a relationship with an imperfect human being who will eventually disappoint. That is why it is so important for Christ to be that anchor. Hebrews 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Family, marriage, careers, hobbies, etc. can be wonderful things—but they are not eternal, and they cannot forever fill that “void” that so many people feel, whether single or married. Finding a lifelong partner does not mean that everything falls into place.

In I Corinthians 7, Paul not only says, “However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems.” (And I realize that there is historical context that he is specifically addressing here.) He also says, “Those who weep or who rejoice or who buy things should not be absorbed by their weeping or their joy or their possessions. Those who use the things of the world should not become attached to them. For this world as we know it will soon pass away.”

We need to remember to focus on our relationship with Christ, our eternal treasure. Not only that, but we must remember those who carry burdens in their hearts because they do not have such a treasure. Being single is as much a blessing as marriage is, but either state can be a curse without God’s hand in it. As singles who are blessed to have a relationship with our Lord and Savior, let’s reach out to those who are seeking solace and intimacy where it does not last, and point them toward that which does.

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Twilight and Abstinence: Addressing Some Misconceptions

FINALLY! It took me FOREVER to get the formatting on this thing the way I wanted it, and I had to resort to primitive methods. Anyway, we’re up and running now.

I will freely admit that the Internet does not need another Twilight website or commentary, whether pro- or anti-. I know this. I can’t help it. There’s something I have to address, particularly because I have yet to see others make the same observation to my satisfaction.

Full disclosure: I hate Twilight the book. Now, I enjoy the movie in a so-bad-it’s-funny, at-least-it’s-got-more-of-a-plot, kind of way. But I am not a fan by any stretch of the imagination. Many a person, whether it be a soccer mom or a youth pastor or a semi-moral teenage girl with half a brain in her head, has praised Twilight for its morality, for its message of abstinence. Whether you have bought into this idea or not, or haven’t even read the book yet, let me clear something up:

Twilight does not demonstrate real abstinence. If you are looking for a book that truly advocates an admirable, true-love-waits, selfless approach to sex, look elsewhere.

Giving credit where credit is due, the main characters don’t have sex until they’re married. Sarcasm aside, good for them—or rather, the author. As a morally (not necessarily politically) conservative Christian, I can get on board with that. But the book’s version no-sex-before-marriage only follows the letter of the law, while the spirit gets broken willy-nilly. Setting aside other problems within Edward and Bella’s relationship—and there are many, as a number of other websites have discussed—I was honestly disturbed after I decided to check out Twilight, having heard so many good things about it, its charming love story and surprisingly moral message.

So how about I get down to business and actually talk about what my big problem is?

While the main characters do practice abstinence in that they don’t have sex, they do other things that rather defeat the purpose. The whole idea behind the practice of abstinence is to maintain a safe physical and emotional distance between two people before they come together in a sanctified marriage relationship, in honor of both God and each other.

Song of Solomon 3:5 Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, / by the gazelles and wild deer, / not to awaken love until the time is right.

Practicing this demonstrates not only obedience to God, but respect for the other person. I do believe that there is a little, ahem, “wiggle room” in the extent to which two people can practice abstinence—that is, how far is too far. (And obviously, there is forgiveness in Christ for outright sin.) Certain things are more of a temptation for some people than for others, which is something that Christians should learn about themselves long before they have to make a rational decision in the heat of the moment. For obvious reasons, this isn’t decided on by experimentation, but by prayer and diving into God’s word.

So what does this have to do with Edward and Bella?

Edward takes Bella into the woods and completely isolates them from anyone else. It is there that he informs her of his vampirism, that he has killed people before, and he desperately wants to drink her blood because she is so beautiful and tempting. They then experiment with physical contact, seeing how far they can go before Edward loses control. Obviously, he doesn’t, but the ends do not justify the means. Do you swing an axe in a crowded room and then say, “Well, I didn’t cut anyone’s head off, so it’s all good.” No—you swung an axe in a crowded room. You’re a moron.

What if Edward hadn’t kept control? They don’t know what the line-not-to-cross is—they’re both new at this “twoo wuv”/romance/sex thing. Well, Bella would have been gobbled up and the series would have ended much sooner than it does now—and many people would be okay with that. In which case, Twilight would be a nice cautionary tale of what happens when you aren’t cautious enough. But if, in this book, vampirism is a metaphor for sex, then they are being completely irresponsible, selfish, and just plain stupid.

Would you honestly, HONESTLY go into the woods with a suspected murderer, only to have him confirm those suspicions, and then proceed to make out with you, just to see if he can control himself and not kill you? Even if he told you outright that you are a heady temptation? And if his record so far is not exactly spotless on the not-killing thing? Guy or girl, why would you allow yourself to enter into such a situation? How could someone take advantage of another person like this, attempting to fulfill their sensual desires as much as possible without crossing what becomes a very ambiguous line? This is putting not only oneself at risk of physical and emotional hurt, but the other party involved.

Matthew 18:6 But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.

Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

During their first sexless “love scene,” Bella says, “I was afraid… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can’t stay with you. And I’m afraid that I’d like to stay with you, much more than I should.”

To which Edward replies, “That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That’s really not in your best interest.” And then later adds, “It’s not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else.”

A little later, in describing the first time he saw her, Edward speaks the words that should have sent Bella running and screaming—away:

“In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there — so easily dealt with.”

Unfortunately, Bella does NOT run screaming. Instead:

I knew at any moment it could be too much, and my life could end — so quickly that I might not even notice. And I couldn’t make myself be afraid. I couldn’t think of anything, except that he was touching me.

OK, that is as far as I’ll go into the physical aspects, but there are other things that concern me.

The damage, real or potential, is not only physical, but emotional. Although I haven’t read past the first book, from what I’ve read/heard elsewhere, there is something of a love triangle between Edward, Bella, and Jacob (even though it’s well established that Edward wins out). Surely there would not be any indecisiveness in Bella’s mind if she was absolutely certain that Edward was the murdering, bloodsucking vampire for HER. (As opposed to the murdering, half-animal werewolf Jacob. Such options! What is a girl to do? /sarcasm)

The fact that she’s indecisive probably means that she’s not sure that Edward is the one—which is good, considering that she’s 17 or so. But if she’s not certain, if they’re not married, then the make-outs, the emotional bonding, the abandon-all-others attitudes and actions that she and Edward demonstrate are all clearly premature and could have serious emotional and physical consequences.

“Bella, you are my life now,” Edward says in the movie. (Does he also say it in the book? I’m not sure.) This is a pretty heavy declaration for two people who have known each other for, at most, a few months. In high school. (Although technically Edward is over 100 years old, and only looks 17, but again, the massive age difference is pretty much the least of their problems.)

Lying in bed together, pouring out their hearts and souls to each other (chapter 14), is also not a good recipe for staving off premature intimacy. I’m just saying…

Lest anyone think I’m getting too legalistic here, I’ll leave you with

Galatians 5:13 You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.

And

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

A blessed week to you all!

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