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Archive for the ‘eHarmony’ Category

This week’s FF comes to you courtesy of my friend Kim, who alerted me to the presence of …

zombieHarmony!!!

As a horror genre/monster, I can’t handle zombies. Even perusing the site for, oh, 30 seconds gave me the heebie-jeebies. Give me a non-Twilight vampire, a malicious ghost, or an old-fashioned serial killer any day, but for some reason, zombies freak me out more than anything else.

I can still appreciate the humor of the site, regardless. The sad thing is that zombieHarmony provides more useful “match” information than the real eHarmony.

Sorry about the late update, by the way, but due to the ongoing Snowpocalypse in the DC area right now, I was working from home today and didn’t have time, and then when I tried earlier, my Internet was acting up. It’s all good now, though. Happy Friday!

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I know that we said we would try to be better about posting, and I did intend to post an FF last week. (And I actually do have two new posts in progress.) But sadly, in the span of exactly one week, Bethany and I both experienced family tragedies. Needless to say, these events put neither of us in the mood or state of mind to post anything new. I hope this can be rectified in the coming weeks. But don’t cry for me (Argentina), and enjoy your Friday instead, starting with this (admittedly small) FF revival!

(Based on my own personal experience, this looks pretty accurate, actually.)

Happy Friday!

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Oh, you guys. I almost posted this on Wednesday, because I was so excited about it. But I exercised patience, and here it is.

I didn’t do a FF last week. I have MORE than made it up to you, dear readers, this week.

Instead of photos (although there are many I could have posted here), let’s look at some of the great lengths to which the men of eHarmony will go to impress us, i.e., me, since I have no source of mockery other than “my” matches.

To be honest, I’m just killing time and having fun until my subscription runs out. I gave up on eHarmony in about September, but I have a six-month subscription. I’m not saying other people haven’t been successful at it, it’s just not for me. Allow me to provide some reasons why.

Oh, but I have to say this first: Yes, I’m a bit of a grammar Nazi. Yes, I minored in English and majored in history, both writing-intensive areas of study. Yes, I am a writer by profession and by hobby. Even so, I do not expect everyone in the world to have the same level of skill in this area. I fully realize that is impossible. My irritation comes from guys who do not seem to understand that their online dating profile is the First Impression. If you have typos, textspeak, errors, contradictory information, sentence fragments, etc., you may come across as unintelligent and lazy. Perhaps you are brilliant and industrious, but one might not get that impression from your profile.

One omitted letter? Passable. A profile ALL IN CAPS WIHT BAD SPELING? Reject.

What I’m trying to say is: PROOFREAD. And if you aren’t sure how to spell something, YOU ARE ALREADY USING THIS WONDERFUL TOOL CALLED THE INTERNET. WEBSTER AND GOOGLE ARE YOUR FRIENDS.

All right, let’s proceed before I have an aneurysm.

Take note, I have not edited these except to remove the names for the protection of their identity. I can’t make this stuff up.

Bachelor #1:

The one thing [he] is most passionate about: I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT RELIGION,FAMILY,FRIENDS,MUSIC,ALL SPORTS,WORK AND LIFE. I LOVE LIFE AND GOD AND IM A VERY OPTIMISTIC PERSON.

I AM ALSO PASSIONATE ABOUT NOT USING MY SPACEBAR OR APOSTROPHES!!!

Bachelor #2:

The one thing [he] wishes MORE people would notice about him is: my inner heart is filled with feelings about me and others

My heart … it feels the feelings …

Bachelor #3:

I get to travel the country for the next year as a field engineer. It’s a way for me to travel and see different things and get paid to do it.

So, then, you are on eHarmony looking for your soul mate WHY???

Bachelor #4:

Some additional information macncheeseplease wanted you to know is: I consider myself to be a nice and caring individual. This online dating thing is new to me, but an interesting experiment. My photo is available for viewing after entering guided communcation.

That’s great. How about providing other information, too, like, say, your name???

Bachelor #5:

The most important thing [he] is looking for in a person is: Honesty

The first thing you’ll probably notice about [him] when you meet him: Personality

The one thing [he] wishes MORE people would notice about him is: Nothing

[He] typically spends his leisure time: Playing golf, going out with friends, watching movies or tv

Goodness gracious, buddy! Let’s get to know each other first before you get all TMI on me. Scale it back a little. It’s all too much, too soon!

Bachelor #6:

The most important thing [he] is looking for in a person is: I am seeking someone who is gentle, compassionate, and sweet

Drat! And I thought I would catch guys by being abusive, hateful, and bitter!

Bachelor #7:

The most important thing [he] is looking for in a person is: First off, (and with so many matches this is taking on a key initial significance) I need to be attracted to you physically. However, looks to me are just an obvious first stage that frankly take on little significance once a relationship is established. The most important quality is an intangible; does the person bring out contentment or adversity?

This one is less “Ha ha!” and more “Huh?” I seriously don’t know what to do with this. I kind of get what he’s saying, but he still comes off as incredibly shallow and confusing. If looks eventually take on so “little significance,” why do you have to be attracted to her “first off”? And if “an intangible” is the “most important quality,” why did you list attractiveness first? As I discussed before on this blog, I have considered many guys (and girls, though not in a sexual sense) to be more attractive upon better acquaintance than I initially thought they were. If I had disregarded them immediately because I wasn’t attracted to them “first off,” I wouldn’t have gotten to know them. And when you get to know someone more intimately and still like them, they usually become more attractive to you, which means that physical attraction is still important, but it’s all wrapped up in one complete package of a person. If that makes any sense. Gah. It’s stuff like this that makes me wish eHarmony had a way to immediately message your matches just to ask one or two questions for clarification, rather than jumping hurdles and weaving through a maze to get to Open Communication just so you can say, “Hey, your profile kind of makes you look like a jerk. Is this really what you meant?” All right, sorry, I’ll get off my soap box now.

Bachelor #8:

One thing that only [his] best friends know is: I have a chainsaw cut on my leg.

This guy wins the grand prize in the category of “Things To Say That Make Me Want to Know More.” I would love to hear the story behind that injury. Was he being chased by Christian Bale? Creating a dolphin chainsaw sculpture?? Baking a cake??? WHAT IS IT???

Bachelor #9:

The first thing you’ll probably notice about [him] when you meet him: I appear much younger than 35 years old.

That’s good, because his profile says elsewhere that he’s 37.

Bachelor #10:

Some additional information [he] wanted you to know is: Mom has been telling me for years to try to find a good christian girl on here so I’m finally giving it a try.

I foresee a lot more relationship input from “Mom” in the future.

That’s all for now, though you can expect another FF of eHarmony pictures sometime in the future. I hope this was entertaining for all of you, and enlightening for those curious about the “quality” level of online dating. I hope this speaks for itself.

You know the drill: Have a happy Friday!

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During a recent dark period of “NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE MEEEEE” stupidity, I decided to try eHarmony (again). A few months later, I am utterly, mind-crumblingly bored with the selections and the entire process. When I realized how many of my “matches” eHarmony photos were giving me some good laughs, I thought I could use them to give others a laugh, and perhaps teach a brief lesson on online “dating profile photo etiquette.”

Note: I’m not making fun of these guys’ characters, or their looks. They’re all quite good-looking guys, and I’m sure they’re perfectly decent people. But in a time and place when one wants to give the best first-impression possible, using only the written word and a photo … well, you’d think they might have tried a little harder. Also, I did not edit these photos—color, cropping, etc—except to take measures to protect their identities.

Rule #1: No ex-girlfriends. And if you do have photos with girls, THIS IS WHY THEY HAVE CAPTIONS. At least explain who they are—friends, sisters, cousins, chem lab partner, etc. Don’t lazily half-crop them out. We’re not stupid: WE SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. A sloppy crop fools no one. You look lazy and cheap.

Proof:

cutoutgf

For some photos, I did not need to take any measures to protect this man’s identity. He did it himself, providing a vague idea of his interests (mechanical things? ropes and tubes? boating?) but pretty much no clue about what he looks like:

onriverinshadow

Always keep in mind, this is eHarmony, not MySpace. Use of deep, emo pics when you are clearly neither is funny if you like irony, but not if it’s the only picture in this guy’s profile:

poutysepia

For THIS photo, I really wish that I didn’t feel obligated to protect the man’s identity, because you really have to see his full expression to understand why I consider this photo a fail. His eyes, looking directly into the camera, coupled with this infuriatingly smug grin, just SCREAMS, “I am holding this baby so I can look more attractive to the women who want one for themselves. Yes, I am a completely smug, manipulative man. Take it all in, ladies. Bask in the glory of my man-with-baby attractiveness.” But you can at least still see the smug grin.

(This method, obviously, doesn’t work on me. That’s probably why the photo so enraged me rather than making me laugh.)

yeahigotababy

But one thing to remember is: strangling puppies is not usually attractive.

puppystrangler

As always, happy Friday!!!

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