Is the One You’re Looking For, Looking For You?

Do you ever listen to speakers, and they say something that sticks to you, even though it’s not wholly related to the topic and would normally get lost in the flow of words and ideas? That happened to me this past Sunday at church. The message was part two of two, discussing the church community. (Because of out-of-town travels, I missed part one.) It was a good message, but there was something that I heard that wasn’t a main point, but it got plugged into my head and stayed there.

The speaker (not our usual pastor) discussed service within the Christian church community, and briefly compared it to marriage. In a marriage, he said, instead of looking for the right person, what you should be focused on is being the right person. He went on to discuss other points, but that one sentence is what I remember most from the message.

There are two reasons, I think, that this stuck with me:

1. It’s true.

2. I have failed.

As my own worst critic, I struggled to avoid thinking, “I haven’t been doing this, therefore I’m a horrible person.” That’s another trap we must avoid. There’s a balance between liking oneself and recognizing one’s faults. Of course we should be humble, but not to the point where we fail to recognize our merits. Of course we should be aware of our faults, but not so much that we consider improvement to be impossible.

For those single ladies out there who don’t want to be single: Where is your focus? Are you constantly looking outward, at the world around you, keeping an eye out for that one person who will catch your attention, the one you’ve been waiting for? Do you have a long checklist that this person must meet, otherwise it’s no use? Are you only looking outward, instead of upward (to God) and inward (at yourself)?

Could you meet someone’s checklist? Oh, I’m not talking about “blue eyes” or “over 5’5″” or “athletic,” but qualities that a sane, genuine, emotionally healthy person wants in a spouse. While you’re searching for the right person, are you working on becoming the right person—that is, Christlike? Or are you rejecting people because they have specks in their eyes, when you have an entire plank that has been ignored?

Have you been cultivating a spirit of generosity, kindness, love, and honesty? Have you been forgiving when you are sinned against? Have you been apologetic for the sins you’ve committed against others? Have you been someone worthy of trust? Have you been growing in your walk with God, putting Him first in your time, resources, and decisions?

And if you haven’t … then why should you deserve someone who has?

This can be so frustrating, because it’s hard. Ultimately, yes, it is the Holy Spirit that changes hearts and minds and forms us into a more Christlike shape. But there is work for us to do, and sometimes—most of the time—we don’t feel like it. At least I don’t—I just want to be who I am, and have someone accept me that way.

But friends, that’s nothing but stagnation—and it literally stinks.

So what should we do? Take our cues from Micah 6:8: “He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

But also remember that we should be cultivating the Fruit of the Spirit: Galatians 5:22-23 says it is “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.”

But the reason it is the Fruit of the Spirit is because it is not our fruit—we can’t grow it ourselves. That’s why we need the Holy Spirit to initiate the change, while we perform the work God has for us.

I’m not saying, “Do these things and you will get a husband/boyfriend/significant other.”

I’m saying that these are the things that attract the right kind of people, and make us into the right kind of people. And it involves putting God first, which is always the first step

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Walking Thoughts

Friedrich Nietzsche was fairly mad and relatively egotistical, but he also had some good observations, like “All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.” I don’t know about you, but about every thought I’ve had that was really worth much entered my brain a) while walking or b) while staying up ridiculously late writing an English paper. (It’s amazing the inner brilliance you discover at 3am.) Today, however, will be about a thought brought about by walking (and, I believe, by God’s mercy). While I’m not sure this thought falls into the “truly great” (or even truly scrumptious) category, it was helpful to me and I hope it will be to you as well.

I was pondering possible post topics and one thing that was bouncing around in my brain was the idea of marriage and family life as a holiness-maker, a thought inspired partly by the Girl’s Guide (and ensuing conversation with Emily) and partly by conventional wisdom. The Girl’s Guide points out that “marriage is a school of character” and I’ve often heard parents say: “I never knew what love and selflessness really meant until I had my child.” Certainly marriage is (as are, to different degrees, family life and friendship) a tool God uses to teach us, stretch us, challenge us to sacrificially love people who are sometimes beautiful and sometimes infuriating—and sometimes both at the same time. He uses it to ask us to sacrifice our own convenience sometimes, to compromise on the color of the dining room or the temperature on the thermostat.

I agree with this—marriage is one way God refines us, shows us an image of Christ and the Church, teaches us, makes us holy.  So I said to God: “God, I don’t want to miss out and live a life of selfish spinsterhood!  I want to be holy.”  As I turned this over in my head, the thought occurred to me—it hadn’t before—that perhaps the particular ways in which God wants to refine me right now are not those that marriage is best suited to bring about. Now I’m not saying that singleness, any more than marriage, is the source of super-holiness. I am only saying that, perhaps, for now, the lessons God has for me are those of patience, trust, sacrifice of comfort, living for His approval instead of for man’s or taking initiative, lessons that are, for me best learned as a single woman. In fact, I’m fairly certain that those are areas I still need to grow in and in which I have already grown as a single person.

And so while I don’t know what God’s will is for me in the marriage department, I do know that God wants for all of us to grow up in Him:

It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up, until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.  Ephesians 4:11-13

He provides people and situations that allow us to be built up and build one another up. The goal here is not some earthly position or other happiness, but something which promises better: “the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.” For this end, I believe, He is willing to use any circumstances or people necessary to us gaining knowledge and developing character, whether it be learning joyful sacrifice and submission as we learn to live with another sinful human in marriage or whether it be learning patience and to trust and love Him above all as a single person. Or something else entirely. From now on, I’m going to try and give Him free rein to teach me whatever He wants by whatever means He sees fit.

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A Woman’s Guide to “A Girl’s Guide”: Part 3

After we were on a bit of a roll with the posting, this blog has been rather quiet, so our apologies for that. Bethany recently moved back home, and is preparing for a year of study abroad in Berlin, where she will work in a cabaret and marry an English writer. (Or maybe not.) Meanwhile, I’ve been dealing with internal stuff such as ill health and a bad attitude, neither of which are conducive to my productivity here.

But anyway, I’ve just finished reading and taking notes on the last chapter of “A Girls’ Guide to Marrying Well.” (Have I mentioned that I am slightly peeved at their use of “girl”? Girls don’t marry. Women do.) For this discussion of Chapter Four on Christian Compatibility, I’m going to switch it up a bit and first address the parts that I liked and/or agreed with, and then go into the more critical stuff.

(This is also going to be a two-parter within my series. I hope that didn’t just blow your mind. I had too much to say about the last chapter for one blog post.)

First, I appreciate the authors’ criticism of “soul mates.” They reiterate that marriage is a ministry that can be difficult at times, and that love is a choice that must be made every day. The authors offer non-negotiable traits that Christian women should look for in a husband, creating a short but spectacular list:

–A man must be a believer.
–He must be able and willing to provide for his family.
–He must love sacrificially.
–He must be honest, have a good reputation, and strive for the qualities of a spiritual leader. (See Acts 6:3, 1 Timothy 3:1-7, and Titus 1:6-9)

But on top of these things, they reminded readers that women must expect to marry a sinner who will not be perfect—he will be in need of grace and “realistic expectations,” even in a “good relationship.” They also noted that younger men are works in progress that should not be unfairly compared to more mature, refined, etc. men of 50 or so. The men we marry should also love Jesus more than they love us. We should also pray about the entire situation.

Ta-daaa! All wonderful things, I must say.

But … I will not lie, this was a fun chapter to read. It was pretty funny, for after getting fired up about the first chapter, generally agreeing with the second and third threw me off a bit. I was starting to think, “Aw, man, am I just going to be agreeing with this the rest of the way?”

Oh, no, my friends. No, I am not.

They did dispense with the “soul mate” idea, but not for the reasons it has always bothered me. Christ completes us. Another human being cannot. But they do not mention that. Perhaps because a Christian woman is already expected to know that? I hope that’s the reason. But still, it was unsettling for it to be left out.

So instead of a soul mate, what should we be looking for? Not looks, apparently:

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). The Bible is telling young men to search for a woman of character; looks won’t last, but character never leaves. The same is true when you’re searching for a man. Marriage is 98 percent living and 2 percent looking — so learn to value character over appearance.

That’s my favorite Bible verse. But I think many people take Proverbs 31 a bit too literally. Doing so is the spiritual version of a model on the cover of Vogue—idealized and humanly impossible—and often we miss the spirit of the instruction for the sake of the words. Young Christian men who are over-eager to find a “Proverbs 31 Woman” may become preoccupied with finding a woman who fits the old-fashioned idea of the perfect housewife, who literally arises before dawn to make clothes and bake bread and weave blankets. In seeking this woman, they may reject one who may not be the greatest cook, but does have the “strength and dignity” of verse 25, who speaks with the wisdom and faithful instruction (verse 26) and is still a hard worker (verse 27). Just not in the conventional sense.

(I love it that no one seems to take literally the verses in Proverbs 31: 3, and 31:6-7:  “Do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings” and “Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish; let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.”)

I DO want to know where they got the “98 percent living / 2 percent looking” statistic. Are you literally, physically blind at some point in your marriage? Do you not look at your spouse while you’re “living” marriage? What does this statistic even mean? Of course character should be valued above appearance—it runs deeper, and it lasts longer. But from a practical standpoint, in choosing a spouse, you are choosing someone you are going to look at for the rest of your life. Doesn’t it stand to reason that you want to choose someone you like to look at?

I’m not saying appearance should be top priority, I just don’t think it should be disregarded. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a mate of both character and beauty. Humans were made to admire beauty, desire it, seek it—but not to be deceived by it. God chose David, a man after His own heart, to become king over Israel. (I Samuel 13:14 and Acts 13:22). But David was still a hottie (I Samuel 16:12). Did God create this entire, breathtaking world—with the jeweled colors of the hummingbird, the shapes of the clouds, the rhythm of the sea, as well as the human form—only for us to say “Appearance is unimportant, don’t consider it” ?

In defense of character, I have mentioned elsewhere that a person’s conceived appearance can change with further acquaintance. Their physical attractiveness is heavily dependent on personality, character, intelligence, etc. I might think that a guy is hott until I find out that he cheated on his wife, strangled a kitten, or practiced voodoo. Or that he was just generally a jerk. But a less-attractive guy can become more handsome, if I get to know him and find out that he’s fun, or very kind, or interesting, or some such combination. And I’m not saying, “Oh, he has all these good qualities, I will overlook his less-attractive exterior for their sake.” I mean that I actually perceive him as more physically attractive because of these unseen qualities.

I think this happens to most people if they give it a chance. It shows that, yes, character is not only more important, but it influences physical attractiveness. Physical attraction is still something to be regarded. This is why it cannot be the foundation of a relationship. But it can still play a role. It brings people together through the first spark of interest, for one thing. And one of my favorite Boundless contributors (and I mean that ironically) said her husband is “more spiritually mature, more seasoned, even more handsome” [emphasis mine] after 10 years of marriage. And she says that is a good thing. So clearly appearance is a factor in attraction and relationships. It’s just not the most important thing.

But what gets me in this Guide is that they seem to assume that if a woman does not want to marry a man who meets the admirable criteria listed above, it is because he’s not good-looking enough. But there are so many other reasons not to want to marry a particular godly man!

If you’re holding out for perfection, or have a long list of must-haves, it’s possible you’re overlooking some good men who are already in your life. … Even if he’s shorter than you. Or younger. Or bald. Failing to meet our worldly expectations—our romantic shopping list—is no liability if he meets biblical ones. That’s the only list that matters.

I said before that their non-negotiable list is wonderful and should be followed when determining the foundation of a potential relationship. But the quote directly above oversimplifies things. There are plenty of other things that go into finding a mate and establishing compatibility. Even if you don’t believe that God created each of us with an ideal mate—except for those gifted with singleness—you can’t believe that any Christian can be married to any other Christian with successful results. I know a man whose first wife was a Christian, but they divorced because she was essentially mentally unstable. And this man meets the criteria, and they shared a Christian faith. And yet there were other things that contributed to the failure of their marriage.

Bethany tells me, “If there are people one couldn’t room with, there are people one couldn’t marry.” Spot-on.

The Guide takes nothing about personality into account. There are some people I absolutely cannot stand to be around, and it’s not because they are terrible people. I know another guy who is both godly and good-looking, who meets every important quality for a Christ-follower, husband, and father. But thank God he’s married to someone else, because our personalities are very different and sometimes I just want to smack him.

Personally, I have some very radical political beliefs, and while they are not un-Biblical, they’re not exactly mainstream. Not every Christian man, no matter how open-minded or loving, could stand to live with me. (And I don’t want someone who can “put up with” my personality. I want someone who loves me for who I am, quirks and all. And vice-cersa.) Although I’m not even sure if I want to have children someday (a cardinal sin to the crew of the S.S. Boundless), I have some very decided beliefs on how I would raise them if I did have any, and I would want a husband whose ideas mesh with mine. And what of differing beliefs when it comes to non-salvation-related issues? What about life goals? Or cultural differences?

These things are important, too, and while not as important, they can still be deal-breakers!

You and your husband are not going to agree on everything all the time. But aren’t there some things that you don’t want to clash about for the rest of your life?

As for those annoying little habits that just aren’t going to change? After marriage, they still aren’t going to change. Some people just can’t live with certain things, and that’s just the way they are.

Bethany says, “I really have very low standards for the beauty of a potential mate. But there are definitely some people I really couldn’t live with.”

Exactly.

But in the Guide, they seem to believe that a woman who does not want a particular man is basing her decision on “selfish” reasons. Once (and only once) I was asked out by a young-man friend of mine. And by “asked out,” I don’t mean, “let’s get coffee,” but “let’s pursue a relationship.” He had the non-negotiable qualities previously listed, but for a variety of reasons that included personality differences, non-salvation beliefs, and attraction, I decided against this. I knew that this relationship would not last, even if I chose to give it a go, and I knew that ultimately we would make each other miserable. I was 100% certain that God was leading us in different directions. It broke my heart to tell him I didn’t think it would work out, but guess who met someone else and is now happily married?

And was I selfish to do this? According to the Guide, I was. I should have settled. Looking back on all the things we both would have missed out on if things had gone in another direction, I still know I made the right choice.

So ladies, even if he’s a single, godly man (if you currently have such an option in your life), that doesn’t automatically make him marriage material for you. Any cause for hesitation deserves another look.

In my next post: Chapter Four of the Guide, continued, with discussions of loving one another, what women can do to encourage guys, and staying objective.

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Single Living: Having Nice Things

First of all, I would very much like to create that magazine if it doesn’t already exist. It could have fabulous and helpful features like “51 ways to re-heat and disguise that casserole you made last week that really would easily have fed 12 hard-working adults” and “How do I know if these mushrooms are actually spoiled?” and other such gems. You’re excited already. I can feel it.

Secondly, one of the phrases I say at least once a week (this is not a discipline, it just comes up) is “I am so thankful that my family _____.” I am, among other things, really thankful that I get to use that phrase so often. My family does give me lots of reasons to do so. And one of those reasons is the subject of this post.

When I was a senior in high school, one of my Christmas presents was a 5-piece place setting of Fiestaware. It was in some fantastic color like cobalt. (Mom, if you’re reading this, I must say I love this chocolaty brown. Just an idea…). The next year she got me the same thing, in another but equally fantastic color.

When I went away to college, I had four place-settings and we put them into storage, which at our house means means that when I was finished with college and was getting ready to move, it took a long, hard search that included a rescue dog to find them. When I moved into my first real apartment last fall I took them with me and have enjoyed using them to serve up the experimental meals I have been concocting. At least the plates look nice.

So, you may be asking yourselves, why do I relate this moving tale?  It is because I am so thankful that my mother realized that having nice housewares was not the exclusive right of married people; that she knew that some people would like pretty dishes, blenders, and tool boxes while still living the single life. It’s because she knew that being married and being a grown up are not synonymous. And for that, I am so thankful.

Now I know that all of you might not have quite as much affection as I do for kitchen appliances and other such things. But I bet you can relate to the strange adjustment to adulthood, made all the stranger when the transition occurs more gradually, without some major event like a wedding to make it stand out.  But I believe it is very important as a single person for me to live my life right now, just as I’m planning to, not waiting for marriage to make “real life” start. And, for me, having nice things in my kitchen helps me live that way. So thank you, Mom.

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A Woman’s Guide to A Girl’s Guide: Part Two

After reading chapters 2 and 3, on Purity and Community, respectively, in A Girl’s Guide to Marrying Well, I found that I honestly agree with most of it, so this post won’t be quite as fired-up as Part One.

There are a few things that rankled, but others may consider it nit-picky or irrelevant for me to address them.

As one who believes in Health At Every Size and is a minor player in the ongoing Fat Acceptance movement—which should be self-explanatory—I resented the Guide’s use of the phrase “overweight and unattractive” when it suggested that women cultivate inward and outward beauty. (Side note: For a fascinating illustration of the fallacies of the BMI measurement, click here.) I think you should take care of your body and eat balanced, varied meals and participate in exercise, of course, but there’s something to be said for natural weight ranges and different attraction preferences. I don’t diet, and have maintained a stable weight for about a year now. And as for physical attractiveness, I can tell you that I know several women who find “chubby” guys more attractive, and I’ll agree with them in some cases—though I tend to have a broad range in what I find attractive. Doubtless that goes for guys too. But I don’t think “overweight” (over what weight, anyway?) should be lumped with “unattractive.”  I think that’s unfair, ungracious, and lazy.

Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. Back to the Guide.

The problem with reading a guide—or at least a chapter within a guide—on purity is that I’ve become kind of jaded, almost numb, to such instructions. I think it started with reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye at the age of 12. And it’s not because I am so enmeshed in sexual sin that I don’t care about it anymore. It’s that, having never had a boyfriend (hence the phrase “perpetually single”), I’ve had so little need to maintain boundaries that sexual sin is almost a foreign concept to me.

And I’m not trying to say, “Look at me, I am super-holy,” or “Wah wah, nobody wants me.” I’m just saying, it’s hard to relate. Not that I’ve never faced such temptation before—that’s another story in itself—but God saw fit to remove me from those circumstances before I had the chance to do anything stupid.

Make no mistake: I’m all for purity and abstaining from sexual intercourse until marriage. But I’m also wary of the black and white approach that many of the Guide‘s contributing authors seem to take on physical intimacy in a dating relationship.

First, there’s the argument that, because humans were designed for sex (Really? Just that? Nothing else? Interesting.), a godly man and woman should avoid physical contact when dating because it will start them “down the road” or “along the slippery slope” and other metaphors for simply going too far. As though one kiss will make people lose all control and, before you know it, you’ve lost your clothes and have no idea what happened. So couples should be careful when walking hand-in-hand down the street—because even that bit of physical contact may prove too much, and in the next few minutes they’ll be so overcome with passion that they may progress to hugging, and then one peck on the cheek turns into making out, and then suddenly they’re committing public indecency and getting arrested.

This is yet another situation where balance is so important. I do understand their reasoning for saying that men and women should maintain purity by having as little physical contact as possible. I just don’t think it’s always the best approach.

For some people, even a little bit of alcohol is enough to jump-start a drinking binge. For others, a few drinks now and then is perfectly satisfactory. Still others don’t see a need to drink all. In all cases, drunkenness is still a sin, but for each person, the pathway to sin, and the temptation to sin, is different.

I think that physical intimacy works similarly in people. Because of their past, their mindset, or simply because of their individual physical and emotional makeup, some people are unable to kiss without it igniting a rapid chain of events leading to intercourse. Others can. Some people see hugging as a more sexual form of physical contact than others. In all these cases, fornication is still a sin. But the temptation presents itself differently to different people. For some people, having almost no physical contact only heightens the mental, emotional stimulation, leading to lust in the heart—which is still a sin. (Matthew 5:28, anyone?) For others, and I imagine myself part of this category, the occasional touching, hugs and kisses, are useful, nay essential, to “tide one over” until the relationship can be consummated within the bond of wedlock.

But as I said, I’m not promoting moral relativism: In all these cases, the sin itself does not change. It’s just that the path of temptation can be different for different people.

The chapter on community was pretty great, though of course it was a little over-the-top for me in some areas. But after surviving a period when I faced serious temptation (as referenced earlier), I got a better inkling of the importance of having Christian community, for encouragement and accountability and prayer and all those things. On the mission trip a few weeks ago, I REALLY realized the importance. It’s one of those things that you don’t quite realize how much you need until you get a little taste, and kind of hard to describe. So yes, please, find a trustworthy Christian mentor, and build up a Christian community of all ages. Have a “panel” ready for when you start wondering if this guy is the one, where they can observe and rank him and give you their opinion (“He’s bow-legged.” “He just kicked that dog.” “He is the answer to all your dreams.” I hope your panel’s input will not be so wildly disparate.)

Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that. Tune in next time for the thrilling conclusion, Chapter 4: Christian Compatibility. It’s going to be delicious.

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A Woman’s Guide to “A Girl’s Guide”: Part One

I completely forgot that I had signed up to receive A Girl’s Guide to Marrying Well from the Christian webzine, Boundless, and was extremely excited to find it in my email today, immediately deciding to critique it for this blog. (I’d link to it directly, but you have to sign up for it yourself if you want a copy.)

I have to confess, I have a love-hate relationship with Boundless. Most of their general stuff about living the Christian life is great. Honestly. Check it out. I mean it.

Hold off on the stuff about being single, though. When the site talks about singleness and marriage, I tend to feel my skin crawl and have steam come out of my ears. A few years ago, for a few months of my life, I was totally on board with everything the Boundless authors said. Eventually, somehow, that cooled down and I realized that a lot of what they say is somewhat over-the-top and, in a few cases, biblically questionable. Not that I don’t want to get married, or that I don’t want God to bring me the right man. I’m just a little, oh, more level-headed about it.

I’ve been wanting to address a Boundless piece on this blog for quite some time now, so this seemed like the perfect opportunity to do so. Plus, it specifically mentions things that I have recently discussed here. Be warned, though, that I am one of those people who says, “I’m not cynical, I’m realistic,” so I may sound a bit harsh or melodramatic. (What else is new, right?)

But if you read nothing else in this post, read this: In all seriousness, I’m not here to bash marriage. Clearly. I really would like to get married someday to the right man, but I’d be happy serving the Lord as a single woman, if that is His will instead. And I’m very happy for the authors of this Guide, that their marriages apparently have worked out so well. I just don’t think that singleness is any less important or useful a state than marriage is, and I think that focusing too much on getting married in the future may cause women (and men, to be fair) to miss out on blessings in the present.

That said, let us proceed.

I had to heave a sigh when I read the opening sentence of the intro: Most women hope to marry, but for many, it’s not happening like they thought it would.

Welcome to life. Many things don’t work out as we had thought they would. Does that mean it’s also not happening as God thought it would? Isn’t He bigger than that? Maybe He has other plans. I had hoped to finish my novel by now, but stuff happens. And guess what? Life goes on, and it’s OK. I haven’t given up hope, I’m just doing other stuff, too. Stuff I never planned. Stuff I never even considered or thought possible.

The first part of the Guide involves being intentional toward marriage: living life as if you plan to get married. The authors write:

Living like you’re planning to marry means intentionally resisting the cultural traps of male bashing [but what if they deserve it??], procrastinating [?], unrealistic expectations, hyper independence [what does that even mean?], and avoiding risk and instead cultivating community, stewardship, and purity — the elements of Christian discipleship that can best help you recognize and embrace good opportunities for marriage.

Except for the things that I don’t quite understand (like what she means by procrastination and hyper-independence, which go unexplained in this chapter), I’m actually supportive of this. But that’s just the thing: these are good things to practice as a Christian, whether you are planning to get married or not. Being single doesn’t give you any extra moral leeway—as Christians, we should be cultivating godliness and a Christ-like example out of obedience to God, out of a desire to serve Him, whether we are single or married. I tend to think that any other motivation puts a hypothetical future husband first, instead of God—and that’s called idolatry, sisters.

Matthew 6:31-33: So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I think this applies to seeking/hoping for a spouse, as well. God knows what you want and need. He’s got you covered, literally and figuratively.

As for intentionality, what if God really intends for you to not marry? Or to be single for a relatively long time? I mean, really. It could happen. Lest you think me too critical, there is plenty in this Guide that I agree with. For example:

The problem of delayed marriage has a lot to do with men who won’t take initiative.

YEAH. MAYBE. YA THINK?

To the men we say, “Get going, it’s time you accept the challenge to pursue marriage.”

ABOUT TIME.

And to the women, “Stop glorifying the single years as a super-holy season of just you and Jesus.” Yes, being single does provide the chance to be uniquely intimate with Jesus. Enjoy that. But don’t over-emphasize it.

Wait … what? HOLD UP.

What happened to men being attracted to women who were happy and confident and at peace? What happened to having a heart fully devoted to the Lord? If we are, in the words of a Christian author I deeply admire, “sassy, single, and satisfied,” are we supposed to pretend to be miserable so that men can come in and rescue us from our unbearable loneliness? Don’t men tend to steer clear of needy, desperate women?

(As usual, Bethany’s reaction is much calmer and to-the-point: “That is really discouraging to people trying to see the good in what is now.”)

But there is more. It continues:

Why? Because it gives guys permission to kick back and let you. If they think you’re perfectly happy as a single, why wouldn’t they let you stay that way? Especially when so many of them are gun shy.

First of all, if a man is gun-shy—either with women or with actual guns—I’ll say “No, thanks.” Secondly, if that’s his attitude, then clearly he himself is not that intentional toward marriage. If I do get married, I’m looking for someone who has a heart for Jesus and is happy with his life, and who is seeking a woman of similar traits. I realize that there may be a balance between, “I LOVE BEING SINGLE! I’M SO HAPPY THIS WAY, I DON’T NEED A MAN, YOU PUNKS! BE GONE!” (of which I have been guilty) and “I AM SO MISERABLE! SOMEONE PLEASE MARRY MEEEEEEEE SO I CAN BE HAPPY” (of which I have also been guilty), but what does that balance look like? “Yes, I’m happy now, but I’d be happier if I had a husband”? Are you sure? Any husband? Really?

How about: “I’m so happy with my relationship with the Lord and where I am in my life! I want to share that happiness with someone” ?

After reading more, I became concerned that this guide is putting marriage on a pedestal of nearly idolatrous levels:

Marriage holds the possibility of partnership, adventure, creativity, challenge and many more of the things we long for, but try to obtain with inferior pursuits. As Amy and Leon Kass observed in their roles as professors at the University of Chicago, “…we detect among our students certain (albeit sometimes unarticulated) longings — for friendship, for wholeness, for a life that is serious and deep, and for associations that are trustworthy and lasting — longings that they do not realize could be largely satisfied by marrying well.” (Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar, 2)

Although singleness is clearly different from being married, a life lived for Christ holds all those things and more, for people in either state. I may be resorting to cliche by pulling out the “Paul card,” but was Paul’s life any less adventurous, creative, serious, or challenging because he was unmarried? Did he want for partnership and “trustworthy associations”? Not only was he in close intimacy with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, but he had the help, love, and support of Christians elsewhere in the world, such as Timothy and Epaphroditus.

Can you imagine this conversation going on somewhere in the Roman Empire?

Some guy: “Hey, Paul, how’s it going? Haven’t seen you in a couple years.”
Paul: “Going well, thanks. Hey, I heard you got married. Congratulations.”
SG: “Thanks! Oh, man, it’s awesome. It’s the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to me. What have you been up to?”
P: “The usual, you know. Making tents. Got thrown in prison with a friend. Sang some praises to God, and watched the walls collapse and our chains fall off, and then the jailer became a Christ-follower. It was fantastic. Was in a shipwreck, too, carrying the Word of God across the world. Oh, and an angry mob stoned me last month. That hurt. So, marriage is exciting, huh?”
SG: ” … “

And for a more feminine and recent example, what about Mother Teresa? NEED I SAY MORE?

Perhaps these are extreme examples, but I think that what many people seek in marriage, they really should first seek in Christ. This is what I’ve been emphasizing lately on this blog, and I see no reason to back down from what I have said. I’m not saying that marriage doesn’t offer the things they mentioned, but they’re not exclusive to marriage, and marriage doesn’t guarantee them. I don’t believe that being single is necessarily inferior to being married—I think both circumstances can be blessings from God and used to His purpose, and they both carry their own advantages and difficulties.

(Bethany adds, “So much of life is in its purpose and in the goals, not in our state. … Plus, if we are incapable of adventure and friendship now, how is marriage going to fix us?”)

One thing I rather dislike is the emphasis on marriage as an end in itself, a mythical “happily ever after.” Single life may have ended, but life in general goes on, long after the I-do’s are said. It’s not necessarily smooth sailing once the bride has been kissed and the cake has been cut. I’m not saying that all relationships are unnecessarily difficult, and certainly there are efforts that spouses can take to make things easier for each other. But marriage doesn’t simplify things, and it doesn’t automatically make you happier all the time.

Now that I’ve dug myself into this hole of criticism, let me attempt to get out of it by saying that the Guide does a great job of addressing a lot of the problems that single Christians face, especially when it comes to interactions between the sexes and attitudes toward dating.

I’ve recently observed several non-dating relationships that seem to fall into the “intimate friends” category. In every case, it is the woman who is paying the price emotionally. Why? When a guy starts investing his heart, he can do something about it by making a move. And if the girl rejects him, the friendship ends or changes significantly. [Oh man, I’ve been there.] A woman, however, can hang on in this kind of relationship indefinitely, hoping the guy will eventually share her feelings. She makes herself available to him as a “friend,” all the while hoping the friendship will blossom into something more. [Alas, I’ve been there, too.]

I don’t think it’s impossible to have close male-female friendships without romantic feelings existing in either person, but it can be difficult. I don’t think that men and women need to abandon their opposite-sex friends if one or both parties are not “marriage-attracted” to each other (a phrase I coined INSTANTLY), as long as they’re open and honest about where the friendship is going. Being open and honest saves a lot of trouble.

Single men and women are failing each other. Uncommitted intimate friendships may satiate immediate needs, but they lead to frustration and heartache. Not to mention, for singles ready for marriage, these “friendships” waste time and energy.

Another author seems to agree with me that close male-female relationships are not impossible, though less-advisable. However, the reasoning is slightly … off:

Close friendships by their very nature tend to involve extensive time talking and hanging out one-on-one. They tend to involve a deep knowledge of the other person’s hopes, desires and personality. They tend to involve the sharing of many aspects of each other’s daily lives and routines. In other words, they tend to involve much of the type of intimacy and companionship involved in — and meant for — marriage.

Soooo, does this mean that Bethany and I should stop leading each other on and get married? Hmm, well I guess that solves our singleness issues, but not quite what I was looking for. OK, so that was a cheap shot. My apologies.

But there are other parts of the Guide that make me cheer and say, “Well done!”

Once you’ve met a man you’d like to date, then it’s time to exercise kindness, put your best foot forward in friendship, pray like crazy and maintain good boundaries. The best way to motivate a male friend to “make things official” is to back off from spending so much time with him. If everyone thinks you’re dating, then you’re probably acting like you are. But by giving him so much access to your time, affection and intimate friendship — without requiring any commitment on his part — you’re removing all the incentives for him to be forthright about his intentions.

I read this and thought, “Wow, this is advice that Marianne Dashwood really should have followed in Sense and Sensibility.” (Which means it’s probably good advice for me, since she and I have a number of things in common.) And then I got completely thrown by the next bit, which seems to disregard what they said earlier:

It’s frustrating to feel like there’s nothing you can do. But you can pray and you can go about the life God has given you; living to the full. The young man may observe you being content and find your confidence attractive (assuming it’s genuine). That’s always a possibility.

It IS! That’s what I’ve been trying to TELL you! And it’s something you should do even if there isn’t a man who may be interested!

Well, that concludes my analysis of the first part of A Girl’s Guide to Marrying Well. Because I took so much time and space, I will address parts 2-4 at a later time. Happy Wednesday!

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Are You Really Content to be Single? (Or, What I Learned on my Mission Trip: Part Two)

This is one of those entries that kind of scares me to post, because I’m exposing part of my soul here, and it makes me feel vulnerable. But I’m doing it because I think it’s important to share, so here we go. (I just hope that at the end of this post, y’all don’t think that I’m a prophetess or a psycho.) I didn’t really expect to post again this soon, or about this topic in particular, but I received inspiration from a comment on my last one by my online friend, Joel. After saying that his wife would back me up on the last post, he then added:

… [O]ne could rephrase your exhortation to your fellow single Christian women this way: “If you are a single woman, and you don’t feel deep down that you could spend the rest of your life joyfully serving God, and never having gotten married, please don’t get married!”

Yes, that’s another excellent way to say it, and something that I have actually been working towards for years. Less than two weeks ago, on this mission trip, I think I achieved it. I’m not sure when it happened—probably on Sunday, July 19, because that was a pretty magical day for me all around. Whenever it was, at one point I was in my room alone and thought, This singleness thing? I could do this. If I have Jesus, get to serve Him, and worship Him with dear friends, I could do this for the rest of my life, as a single woman, and do so happily. Of course, human feelings don’t last, but I do believe the resolve has stayed with me.

That’s not to say that I am 100% sure I will never marry—I still don’t know what God has planned for me in that area of my life. But I could be content to trustingly, worshipfully serve God and glorify Him as a single woman, if that is what He called me to do. I’m not hoping to get married, and I’m not hoping to stay single. Either way of life will be a blessing from God that I will gladly accept.

Honestly, this is something new to me. Before, my attitude was mostly, “Well, if God really wants me to be single for a long time (or forever), I guess I could deal with it,” or, “OK God, I’m content being single. You can bring me a husband now!” Neither of these carry much of a spirit of obedience or worship.

But this new attitude is more, “Yes! If You ask me, I will do it, and joyfully!”

I’m very happy to have achieved this—I’ve been working toward it since my freshman year of college, when God spoke to me.

Yes, there’s a story here. There’s really no way of telling it without sounding like an utter loony, so here we go. When I say that God spoke to me, I don’t mean “God placed it on my heart,” or “I felt the Holy Spirit move me,” or “I read this verse that really opened my eyes.” I mean, God spoke to me. I mean, I heard words. In a voice. In my head. Oh, yes. And nothing similar has happened to me before or since, either.

Anyway, I was driving home for a weekend, or a seasonal break, and feeling crappy about being single and just wishing I had a boyfriend (I wasted a lot of my time in college doing that, silly me). I was halfheartedly praying about it, when I heard very clearly in my head: “Emily, I am all that you could ever want or need. If you’re not happy with Me. you’re not going to be happy with a fallible human.”

Hearing that didn’t freak me out as much as you’d think it would have. I knew it was the Lord, and I knew it was true. I felt kind of like I had been lovingly slapped in the face, but there was a peace about it, and a little shame because it showed me how foolish I had been. I haven’t always lived by those words, but I’ve never forgotten it. I have never understood those words as clearly as I do now, and I am calling on my sisters in Christ to take them to heart: Pursue God first.

And hey, since we clearly have a number of male readers: Boys, that goes for you, too.

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What I Learned on my Mission Trip: Part One of Who Knows

Hello, all! I have returned from my mission trip to England, and I would be lying if I said I was pleased about that. Since it was 1) in England, which has always topped my places-to-see! list, and 2) a mission trip, during which amazing things tend to happen, I was expecting not to want to come back. And I didn’t.

(Saturday was especially difficult, with my roller-coaster emotions culminating in a Marianne-Dashwood-esque walk through the rain, feeling generally miserable, and today I have a sore throat, I kid you not, that will probably result in my becoming severely ill and bedridden so that someone will have to send for my mother to come and be with me right before I die.)

But that also means that the trip was incredible, right? Returning to the craziness of real life—work, moving to another apartment, catching up with family and trying to explain a fraction of what I experienced on the trip—has not been appealing. It’s kind of like something I remember reading in Stuff Christians Like once, only more so.

Anyway, as I continue to adjust and process what I’ve gone through, I’m sure I will have many things to discuss on this blog. The first thing I wanted to share is, in fact, something I did not expect to learn.

As an only child of divorced parents, I didn’t have that much of a male-leadership presence growing up. I never had brothers, and although I love my dad, we’re not extremely close. I’ve never had that many guy friends, Christian or otherwise. And even though I’m not a crazy feminist, my attitude for much of my life has been, “Meh. I don’t need a man.” (Though there have been times of feeling, “Wow, a boyfriend would be really great right now,” to which all single women can relate, I’m sure. Or at least Bethany. And Jenna. And Kara. And Jessica. And Katie. OK, yeah, so all single women.)

Obviously, having been made complete in Christ, that’s true in a sense. At least, we don’t need a man to complete us. In fact, one can’t. Except for Jesus, Who was obviously more than just a man. But anyway, I didn’t quite appreciate, or realize the importance of, solid Christian male leadership. The more I write about this, the harder it is to put into words, I’m finding. But to see the men at this mission conference step up in faith, show commitment to God’s work, demonstrate the love of Christ, and be honest about their mistakes was encouraging, beautiful, a relief, and all sorts of other lovely things.

We may not have been preaching the gospel in the jungles of Africa, or feeding malnourished children at an orphanage in South America, or secretly distributing Bibles in China, but the spiritual battleground was no less real in the streets of London. During that time, I gained a little more insight into the kind of leaders that God has called men to be. I also became more aware of the importance of finding a man—God willing—who can show that kind of leadership. The analogy that female Christians are princesses because we are daughters of the King can get a little tired and nauseating at times, but there is truth to it. I believe that not only do we owe it to ourselves to seek and to truly desire a man after God’s own heart, but we owe it to our Heavenly Father. I think it’s disrespectful to Him, as our Creator and Savior, to settle for anything less.

(Imagine someone serving you an incredibly expensive, intricate, complicated, delicious meal prepared with care and anticipation. And then imagine snubbing that meal for a Big Mac. Sure, the Big Mac was tasty, but someone went to trouble of making that fabulous meal just for you, and you pushed it aside for a cheap grease-fest.)

In short, ladies: Don’t compromise your beliefs for any man. And please, please don’t settle for less than God’s best for you. I may be Perpetually Single, but even I learned that the hard way. Trust me on this. God loves you, He has your best interests at heart, and He knows exactly how to get that done. He’s also bigger than whatever you may be facing: loneliness, a bad relationship, uncertainty about the future. You’re His daughter, and you deserve a man who recognizes that.

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Dating Tips From the Perpetually Single

Although this is posted under my name, the starting idea was actually Bethany’s, and I wanted to make sure y’all knew that.

Thanks to this blog, we have now explored (in no particular order) the secrets of men, a cautionary tale of online dating, and misguided tips to woo a woman. The next logical step might be examining tips on how to woo a gentleman, but this is “Notes From the Sisterhood of Perpetual Singleness”—not Cosmo, Seventeen, or even How to Get a Date Worth Keeping (a book by Henry Cloud that we will be sure to discuss at a later date). You will not find kissing tips, win-your-ex-back tips, or meet-a-hottie-at-the-beach-this-summer! tips here. If we were at all qualified to offer such advice, we probably wouldn’t be writing this blog.

BUT we do know ourselves. Sort of. So instead, we (by which I mean Bethany) thought we’d assemble our own responses to some of the topics we have previously explored. As always, make use of the comments feature if you want to dispute or add to anything we say.

To sum up, an alternate post title might be, Advice We’d Rather See Men Follow Than Some of the Other Cra Stuff You Find on the Internet.

Emily’s Dating Tips
After thinking about it, I decided to do a more personalized version of “how to woo a woman,” because the original article is mostly bad advice with some good elements sprinkled in, and it’s hilarious and an easy target and I’m just kind of cruel that way. For reference, the old post is linked above, and the original article is here.

1. Be Reliable, but not Boring.
It’s already become well-documented, especially in an uncertain social and economic climate, that women’s preferences are gradually moving away from the metrosexual with the flashy job, toward more traditionally masculine men with tried-and-true careers that may be less glamorous (we’re talking plumbers and carpenters here, maybe even blacksmiths).

Why is this? Reliability, stability, and, on some level, trustworthiness. It’s the same with personality, lifestyle, and character. Despite the appeal of whirlwind romances and a gypsy lifestyle, I’m sure most ladies will agree with me that a man who knows what he’s about, what he stands for, and what he wants out of life is very attractive. But because life needs variety, he should also put a little effort into being spontaneous once in a while.

Actually, I just reminded myself of the 1967 movie Barefoot in the Park, starring Robert Redford and Jane Fonda. The young newlyweds nearly break up because she finds him too much of a dull, rational, stick-in-the-mud, and he thinks she’s overemotional and irresponsible. When Redford’s character leaves her and gets rip-roaringly drunk, Fonda’s character realizes that she doesn’t like him to be irresponsible, unpredictable, and ridiculous—she loves him just as he is.

All together now: AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW

But see, if he hadn’t broken with the status quo for a little while, she might never have come to that realization!

2. Make her feel special.
There is a fantastic blog floating around the Internet somewhere that I fully intend to find again, about the Nice Guy Syndrome. Because lots of nice guys complain that women like jerks, or “bad boys,” or whatever. One of the reasons it seems that way is because “bad boys” make a girl feel special—they’ll treat everyone like crap, except her. Of course, eventually they’ll treat her like crap, too, which is why a sensible woman with half a brain and an ounce of self-confidence won’t actually want such a man. But the change in behavior, however brief, leaves a girl in no doubt of his interest in her—he treats her differently (i.e., better). Nice guys are nice to everyone, and if he’s equally nice to a girl he’s interested in, that doesn’t help her feel special, or even aware that he’s interested. So nice guys have to be a little more creative, while still adhering to #1 by staying true to themselves and what they believe.

(OK, so maybe nice guys do have it tough.)

3. Take the lead, with respect. Follow the original U.S. Constitution: Write the bill, but give her veto power.

Or, in the words of you non-politics-nerds: Make plans, but let her have final say—be decisive, take charge, but be flexible.

4. Be sincere.
If you’re going to compliment her, mean it. If you really like her, or if you think the relationship is not right or going nowhere, be up-front about it. If you’ve got some crap going on in your life, don’t pretend things couldn’t be better, unless you’re actually that optimistic. If there’s something going on that you’re very happy or excited about, don’t feel that you have to be cool about it. You don’t have to spill your guts about every nuance of life, but be honest, and whatever you do or say, mean it!

5. Be Confident, not Cocky.
I have no idea why this is so difficult for people to understand, and yet I see it repeated all the time. No, men, we women do not actually like jerks. We like men who are confident in themselves, but treat people well. Astonishingly, the two are not mutually exclusive.

6. Be independent & have your own life. Also, don’t expect her to share all your interests.

I have found that 1) contrary to what many men believe, most women don’t want to share every single interest in common, and 2) even if some of them do, men can be just as bad.

Guess what, guys. I don’t expect y’all to like musicals, politics, and dorky, interactive history museums targeted toward 6th-graders as much as I do. I don’t expect my nonexistent boyfriend to join my all-female version of MST3K when my friends and I get together and watch old-school Beverly Hills 90210. I don’t expect him to be particularly thrilled by Tim Burton’s latest film. Likewise, I shouldn’t have to smile and nod my way through a sports game, or to pretend that I really do want to learn how to play pool, or join in with a session of video games with the boys. Occasionally, yes, of course, we all must make sacrifices. But this list just took a very personal turn, and for that I apologize. Still, individual differences and interests are healthy. There. That was my whole point.

7. Don’t follow how-to dating lists.
Yes, I just erased all my previous advice with that last nugget of wisdom. But everyone is different, and you can’t prejudge people, generalize them, or put them in boxes. Read on, my friends: Not only is Bethany’s list far superior, but it will only prove my point. (Except where I agree with everything she says except for 5. And probably 8. Anyway…)

Bethany’s Dating Tips

1. Speak well of people.
Especially your ex-girlfriend and that boss who was kind of a jerk. Or don’t talk about them at all, at least early in an acquaintance. It really turns me off and makes me think badly of a person when, in our first couple of conversations, I hear how awfully people have treated him (Lizzy Bennet, take notes!). I’m all for being honest and not sugar-coating life, but some things really don’t need to be shared until friendships have deepened. Reserve and discretion are good here, as is charity. Even if people have made mistakes or behaved very badly in the past, it’s no reason to knock them to every person you meet. You know, unless he is an axe murderer and that person is planning a date with him the next day. I do find it great when guys can talk about their ex’s in cordial (not still-love-struck) terms. It is a good feeling to know that this is a person capable of valuing the good qualities of someone who, for whatever reason, is not with him anymore.

2. Ask me questions!
This is probably my neuroses talking, but I really hate boring people (as in – I hate feeling that I am boring people. I actually like “boring people” quite a lot). And the best way for me to feel I’m not boring people is if they ask me questions. Probably even non-neurotic people would agree that it makes you feel special and appreciated when people take a sincere interest in your life and opinions. Of course, this can go too far and one can end up feeling interrogated, but sincere interest, good questions, and listening can be a big plus and, of course, really make the whole conversation thing go a lot better. I guess what I’m saying is, please don’t force me to inflict my life and views on you. Invite me to inflict my life and views on you! Thanks.

3. Be affectionate to your mom and sisters.

I find that—absolutely loveable. (And yes, I am Emily Dickenson, apparently.)

4. Have a poker night.
Or something. I love it when guys spend some of their time doing just-guys things. It’s pleasant and masculine and healthy, I think. This feeds in to the larger issue of having a full and good life even when one doesn’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend. It is a good feeling that the person who is interested in me is not totally dependent on me for entertainment or support – independence is both attractive and mildly relieving.

5. Steal someone’s baby.

Wait, wait! Don’t run off and do that till I explain! What I mean to say is, there are few things more endearing and attractive than a man caring for a child. However, a man with a child of his own is probably in some sort of relationship. So, to have the effect of cute man with child, he’d be forced into theft. Or borrowing a nephew or something.

6. Be kind and friendly to everyone.
Don’t just be nice to your friends and the girl you have a crush on. Now, I know guys can take this to extremes and seem to be flirting with pretty much any girl around (note – this is not a good plan – very confusing and not nice), but it leaves a good impression on me when a man can treat men and women with thoughtfulness and respect, when he will behave kindly and friendly-ly when he ends up sitting next to the not-so-pretty sister at the end of the dinner table farthest from the object of his admiration. Again, as relationships grow closer people will certainly communicate their likes and dislikes of people (since people usually don’t like everyone), but treating people well is good. I suppose what I’m saying here is: I really appreciate men who treat all women well, and the object of their affection extra-especially well. And with something that goes beyond kindness to something more intimate.

7. Tease me, but know where the line is.
Good teasing can be so satisfying because it requires both wit and knowledge of the person you’re teasing. I love it when a friend or lover (ha ha, just kidding about that second bit) makes a joke which shows he or she really know your quirks or habits or even pet peeves. On the other hand, too much teasing, or teasing with underlying meanness, can be tiresome and even hurtful. This is a two-way street though, requiring sensitivity on the part of the jokester and the ability to say “enough is enough” from the recipient. And patience from both of them – especially in the muddle-y business of getting to know someone, these things take time.

8. Wear plaid.
Just kidding, just kidding. No, actually not. That is all.

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Pride and Prejudice and Vanity and Vulnerability

It has been exactly a week since I last shampooed my hair.

WAIT!

Where are you going?

Don’t run away!!!

At least let me explain. And then I’ll tell you how it fits the title of this post (sort of).

It all began with my reading an innocent article about how some people don’t use shampoo. I must confess that I had never considered this possibility before. Some experts say that shampoo does more harm than good by stripping the hair and scalp of their oils, which are supposedly self-cleaning and naturally anti-viral. To counteract the damage of shampoo, we use conditioner, mousse, gel, hairspray, etc. etc. etc., and then need shampoo to get the gunk out again, and the cycle continues… But shampooing the oil out of it only causes the scalp to produce more and overcompensate. This is why our hair look “gross” after only a few days of not shampooing.

The idea behind going w/o shampoo (the “no ‘poo” route, as it is known in some Internet circles) is that eventually, after an adjustment period that can take days or weeks, depending on the individual, the hair can achieve its natural equilibrium again, looking healthier and happier than ever before.

SO…I’ve been going without shampoo, and it is, indeed, an adjustment period. Of course, you don’t need to take only my word for it. There are plenty of other resources out there , and I’m only too willing to show them to you. After some Internet research, it seems that a paste or solution of baking soda and water can be used as a sort-of cleanser (not every day—a couple times a week at most, I think), and once that is rinsed out, use apple cider vinegar on the ends of the hair as a natural conditioner. There’s also info about using raw eggs, olive oil, and even salt as occasional natural cleansers, but I haven’t tried any of these yet, though I can attest to the effectiveness of the soda. By Saturday evening, the oil in my hair was nearly beyond endurance. I made a paste of baking soda and water and let it sit in my roots for a few minutes before rinsing it out. It successfully brought the oil down to a bearable level, and my hair looked pretty great the next day—as in, I got compliments from people who didn’t know what I was doing. I think I’m still in the adjustment phase, however. So far I’ve styled it normally, I’ve hidden it under a headband-scarf, and I’ve also done the scrunching-up-the-hair-to-get-waves thing, but that ends up being slightly inappropriate for work. And by ‘inappropriate’ I of course mean ‘terrifying.’

There’s also the “Use less plastic!” and “Use only natural products!” motives for “No ‘Poo” but those aren’t priorities for me. Although I am a fan of recycling whenever possible. I think that conservation, recycling, and reducing waste is all part of our responsibility as Christians to be good stewards of the earth that God created. But as a die-hard free-market capitalist, I don’t think that any such behavior should come from government regulation. (Whoops, where did that soapbox come from???)

But even my mother, who is vehemently opposed to anything hippie-ish and believes that blue jeans and the Beatles directly contributed to the decline of Western civilization, was fascinated and rather supportive when I told her about this scheme. She said it made sense to her—and she’s in the medical field.

But WAIT! THERE’S MORE! Most of the “No ‘Poo” blogs and web sites will not tell you about another aspect of the experience, and this is where the post title comes in! Going without shampoo and observing the subsequent changes in my hair has also taught me something about vanity, prejudice, pride, and vulnerability.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m really vain about my hair, and it’s been a challenge to my pride to do something like this. I hate the fact that I’ve gone to work, or to church, or whatever, knowing that something is slightly off, that I don’t look the absolute best that I possibly could. And there’s a certain vulnerability to that, as well.

Guess what, girls! It’s okay not to look your best! Of course, looking good can often lead to feeling good, but you can’t always be at the top of your game, right? Knowing you don’t look 100% fabulous (only, say, 98%) can help you focus on other, more important things: like Jesus, and relationships that matter, and your job here on earth. At least, that’s how it worked for me. We are imperfect human beings. And I realized, wow, most other people don’t care! Now, I didn’t blast into my office this morning and shout that my hair hasn’t been shampooed in a week, but no one has said anything (though it’s a quiet office) or treated me like a leper. Lesson learned: No one is as concerned about how you look as you are.

I would definitely encourage any ladies reading this to give up something, even for a day, that brings out vain and prideful tendencies. Let yourself be a little vulnerable, and see what happens with your priorities. Observe where your focus goes, instead.

I’m also learning patience in getting through this very oily time, as my hair achieves equilibrium. Though when I make up my mind to do something, I’m usually pretty tenacious anyway.

So that’s what I’ve learned so far. I’m sure there are other, deeper life lessons to be learned from this, but I’m too tired to figure them out right now. I’ll post updates if I think they’re significant enough.

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Worry: When God Says, “Just Chill, I Got This”

This post was going to start out in a very rambling, unfocused style, but let me first point out one important thing, so that what I say makes sense. Stuff Christians Like has a great post today about how powerful God is: almost all powerful. Go read it, and then meet me back here.

I’ll wait …

Anyway, that blog got me thinking—which is a good thing, because I finally got the message that God seems to have been pushing to me for a while now.

I will be honest: There’s a lot going on in my life right now, spiritually, physically, occupationally, socially, etc. I’ve been praying about all these different concerns, but I still worry about them. And then there’s the things going on in the lives of others that I’m also praying for and concerned about. Sometimes it seems like prayer gets me nowhere—why is that?

Well, staying worried makes the prayers rather pointless—since obviously I’m not truly giving up my own concerns, plans, and power, and I’m not fully trusting THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE Who, by the way, HAS A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH ME, to care enough to get done what needs to be done, His way. If I say “Please God, help so-and-so with this-and-this,” but I still worry about it, I haven’t given Him the problem to take care of. I’m just speaking words without actually trusting that He’s going to take care of it. I’m still ruminating and wondering what I can do about it. The words alone are then meaningless.

This spills into my daily life, when I worry about too much. It builds up and builds up until I almost forget that God has any power at all over what happens to me, that I am, in fact, not subject to the whims of fate. Kind of like what I said in my post on fear, worrying takes the focus off God, and can prevent us from living the full life in Him that He desires for us.

Do any of these sound familiar?

If I don’t get into this grad school program, I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I can’t be late for this meeting or I’ll lose my job and then where will I be?
If this guy isn’t interested in me, then I’ll probably never get married.
I have to get this promotion, or there won’t be another opportunity and my life will be over.
If I don’t find the ingredients for this recipe I’m making for this party, I’ll be a social outcast.
I can’t survive without my family/pet/best friend within easy reach.

Yes, some of these are exaggerated, and some sound kind of funny, but how often do we actually think like this? (And as one who leans toward the melodramatic, I know I do this a lot.)

Does God not care? Is He incapable of handling the situation?

Guess what: Neither. He’s got it all under control. He loves you. He is not under the same restrictions as you are. Just chill. He will give you what you need, tell you what you need to know, and get you where you need to be. All when you need it. In the meantime, we are called to trust Him, love others, and be obedient.

If things don’t go as we planned, does that also mean things aren’t going as God planned?

(Hint: No.)

On that note, have some Scripture:

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
Habakkuk 3:17-18

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
I Thessalonians 5:16-18

For I am the Lord your God, Who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, “Do not fear, I will help you.”
Isaiah 41:13

Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.
Psalm 55:22

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hears and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.” The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him.
Lamentations 3:24-25

I am the Vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in Me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from Me you can do nothing.
John 15:5

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We Have Nothing to Fear…But the Lord Himself

Today’s post isn’t strictly related to singleness, or women, but it has everything to do with the Christian life and obedience to God. This is something that’s been on my heart for the last few days, and I needed to share it here.

Everyone—everyone—is familiar with fear. It looks and acts differently for different people, but we all know it. So many famous quotes and cliches are related to fear, such as the following:

“The only thing to fear is fear itself.” (FDR)

“A life lived in fear is a life half-lived.” (The movie “Strictly Ballroom”)

“I’d rather regret the things I did than the things I didn’t do.” (Facebook bumper stickers)

The Word of God has much to say about fear, and most of it isn’t good. In fact, the only thing we are to fear is the Lord Himself.

Joshua 24:14 says, “Now fear the Lord and serve Him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your forefathers worshiped beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord.”

1 Samuel 12:24 says, “But be sure to fear the Lord and serve Him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things He has done for you.”

And, of course, Proverbs 1:7 says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge…”

If we give too much rein to our fear, it can become immensely powerful. As a natural worrier, fear was once as much a part of me as my skin, as habitual as brushing my teeth. I don’t intend to go into detail about how, by the grace of God, fear began to take on a much smaller role in my life. I don’t even know how I would describe it, or where to begin—all I could tell you is that I look back on my life so far, and see the hand of God guiding me.

But recently—as in, the last few days—I have been overwhelmed by the blessings that God has given me because I chose to follow Him, even when fear was trying to pull me back, urging me to take the “safe” route. (But then, what could be less “safe” than taking a path and making choices apart from the Lord’s plan? Who else is better equipped to guide and protect us?) I realized that, had I given in to fear, I would have missed out on so very much, and I know there is even more to come!

—Had I said “yes” to fear and, therefore, “no” to God’s promptings, I would have stayed in my hometown, close to family, without experiencing the gloriously horrific change of a new city, new friends, and a new church. One reason that I did not want to move, in fact, was because I was sure that I would not find another church that I loved as much as the one I left back home. But I did. I love my current church even more so, actually. On Sunday night, sitting in the service, I became fully aware of what I would have missed out on.

—If I had let fear reign, I would have passed up the chance to audition for the choir, abandoning God’s gift to me and allowing fear to convince me that I wasn’t good enough, that I was going to make a fool of myself. Giving in to that fear, I would have been unable to enjoy the blessings of the friendships I have made among that group, of joining in that form of worship with other believers, and of participating in the overall choir-performance experience that I love so much.

—Months ago, I could have ignored God’s call for me to apply for a short-term mission trip, because I’d always been set against the idea and was utterly terrified. We haven’t even gone yet, and already it’s been life-changing and delightful in too many ways to describe here. Because of this trip—both indirectly and directly—I have met fantastic people that I probably would not have encountered otherwise. I have already faced several preexisting fears and concerns, shared my testimony (such as it is) for the first time, and hammered cracks in my selfishness. And, as I said, we haven’t even left for the trip yet.

And you? What fears have been holding you back from fulfilling God’s plan for you? What blessings and experiences could be waiting for you if you at last said “no” to fear and “yes” to God? Take some time now to pray to the Lord. Claim His promises for you, and pray for the Holy Spirit to carry out His work in you to vanquish the fears that could be keeping you from experiencing God’s full blessings in your life. Trust me, it will be well worth it.

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