Friday Frivolity: More eHarmony Winners, and a Bit of a Rant

Oh, you guys. I almost posted this on Wednesday, because I was so excited about it. But I exercised patience, and here it is.

I didn’t do a FF last week. I have MORE than made it up to you, dear readers, this week.

Instead of photos (although there are many I could have posted here), let’s look at some of the great lengths to which the men of eHarmony will go to impress us, i.e., me, since I have no source of mockery other than “my” matches.

To be honest, I’m just killing time and having fun until my subscription runs out. I gave up on eHarmony in about September, but I have a six-month subscription. I’m not saying other people haven’t been successful at it, it’s just not for me. Allow me to provide some reasons why.

Oh, but I have to say this first: Yes, I’m a bit of a grammar Nazi. Yes, I minored in English and majored in history, both writing-intensive areas of study. Yes, I am a writer by profession and by hobby. Even so, I do not expect everyone in the world to have the same level of skill in this area. I fully realize that is impossible. My irritation comes from guys who do not seem to understand that their online dating profile is the First Impression. If you have typos, textspeak, errors, contradictory information, sentence fragments, etc., you may come across as unintelligent and lazy. Perhaps you are brilliant and industrious, but one might not get that impression from your profile.

One omitted letter? Passable. A profile ALL IN CAPS WIHT BAD SPELING? Reject.

What I’m trying to say is: PROOFREAD. And if you aren’t sure how to spell something, YOU ARE ALREADY USING THIS WONDERFUL TOOL CALLED THE INTERNET. WEBSTER AND GOOGLE ARE YOUR FRIENDS.

All right, let’s proceed before I have an aneurysm.

Take note, I have not edited these except to remove the names for the protection of their identity. I can’t make this stuff up.

Bachelor #1:

The one thing [he] is most passionate about: I AM PASSIONATE ABOUT RELIGION,FAMILY,FRIENDS,MUSIC,ALL SPORTS,WORK AND LIFE. I LOVE LIFE AND GOD AND IM A VERY OPTIMISTIC PERSON.

I AM ALSO PASSIONATE ABOUT NOT USING MY SPACEBAR OR APOSTROPHES!!!

Bachelor #2:

The one thing [he] wishes MORE people would notice about him is: my inner heart is filled with feelings about me and others

My heart … it feels the feelings …

Bachelor #3:

I get to travel the country for the next year as a field engineer. It’s a way for me to travel and see different things and get paid to do it.

So, then, you are on eHarmony looking for your soul mate WHY???

Bachelor #4:

Some additional information macncheeseplease wanted you to know is: I consider myself to be a nice and caring individual. This online dating thing is new to me, but an interesting experiment. My photo is available for viewing after entering guided communcation.

That’s great. How about providing other information, too, like, say, your name???

Bachelor #5:

The most important thing [he] is looking for in a person is: Honesty

The first thing you’ll probably notice about [him] when you meet him: Personality

The one thing [he] wishes MORE people would notice about him is: Nothing

[He] typically spends his leisure time: Playing golf, going out with friends, watching movies or tv

Goodness gracious, buddy! Let’s get to know each other first before you get all TMI on me. Scale it back a little. It’s all too much, too soon!

Bachelor #6:

The most important thing [he] is looking for in a person is: I am seeking someone who is gentle, compassionate, and sweet

Drat! And I thought I would catch guys by being abusive, hateful, and bitter!

Bachelor #7:

The most important thing [he] is looking for in a person is: First off, (and with so many matches this is taking on a key initial significance) I need to be attracted to you physically. However, looks to me are just an obvious first stage that frankly take on little significance once a relationship is established. The most important quality is an intangible; does the person bring out contentment or adversity?

This one is less “Ha ha!” and more “Huh?” I seriously don’t know what to do with this. I kind of get what he’s saying, but he still comes off as incredibly shallow and confusing. If looks eventually take on so “little significance,” why do you have to be attracted to her “first off”? And if “an intangible” is the “most important quality,” why did you list attractiveness first? As I discussed before on this blog, I have considered many guys (and girls, though not in a sexual sense) to be more attractive upon better acquaintance than I initially thought they were. If I had disregarded them immediately because I wasn’t attracted to them “first off,” I wouldn’t have gotten to know them. And when you get to know someone more intimately and still like them, they usually become more attractive to you, which means that physical attraction is still important, but it’s all wrapped up in one complete package of a person. If that makes any sense. Gah. It’s stuff like this that makes me wish eHarmony had a way to immediately message your matches just to ask one or two questions for clarification, rather than jumping hurdles and weaving through a maze to get to Open Communication just so you can say, “Hey, your profile kind of makes you look like a jerk. Is this really what you meant?” All right, sorry, I’ll get off my soap box now.

Bachelor #8:

One thing that only [his] best friends know is: I have a chainsaw cut on my leg.

This guy wins the grand prize in the category of “Things To Say That Make Me Want to Know More.” I would love to hear the story behind that injury. Was he being chased by Christian Bale? Creating a dolphin chainsaw sculpture?? Baking a cake??? WHAT IS IT???

Bachelor #9:

The first thing you’ll probably notice about [him] when you meet him: I appear much younger than 35 years old.

That’s good, because his profile says elsewhere that he’s 37.

Bachelor #10:

Some additional information [he] wanted you to know is: Mom has been telling me for years to try to find a good christian girl on here so I’m finally giving it a try.

I foresee a lot more relationship input from “Mom” in the future.

That’s all for now, though you can expect another FF of eHarmony pictures sometime in the future. I hope this was entertaining for all of you, and enlightening for those curious about the “quality” level of online dating. I hope this speaks for itself.

You know the drill: Have a happy Friday!

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In Which I Feel Somewhat Vindicated in My Feelings Toward Jim Halpert

Remember when I talked about how fictional characters sometimes translate differently in real life?

One of the targets of my criticism was beloved Jim Halpert of “The Office.” I used to know someone a lot like Jim, and although he could be entertaining and charming at times, his life is ultimately incredibly depressing, especially because of immaturity and a lack of motivation.

This morning, I was pleased to see that I’m not the only person who thinks somewhat along the same lines. Meghan Keane at The AWL has posted a thoughtful article about how depressing “The Office” has become.

This exerpt, I believe, best captures the idea:

For audiences, Jim—more so than Pam—has served as a pressure valve for all of the overstimulated personalities on the show by responding to his absurd coworkers the only rational way: with sarcasm and bafflement. The whole point of Jim was that he held the promise that at some point he would get his act together enough to break out of the confines of Dunder Mifflin. He’s the relatable protagonist for anyone (read: everyone) who has ever been trapped in a middling situation and found the only defense to be sarcasm and bemusement.

Now Jim has developed into the most depressing archetype: a mediocre man who has already realized his full potential.

Gone is Jim’s charming lack of enthusiasm for his job. Now he’s proving exactly where a lack of drive is likely to lead you—to the mediocrity of middle management, where one is gripped by the fear of losing whatever corner of inanity you’ve carved for yourself in the workplace.

I must confess that I haven’t watched “The Office” for at least two seasons now—for the very reasons this article, and my earlier post, describes.

Granted, there’s something to be said about sticking with your current job in the uncertain times of an economic depression. And for Christians, single or not, male or female, God uses us, and our circumstances, for His good purpose, even if they seem depressing and soul-crushingly mediocre. And if you have such a job, and you’re perfectly happy with it, then hey, whatever floats your pirate ship.

This is loosely, or hardly, related to single Christian females. But I wanted to post something, and it was nice to have something to point to and say, “Hey! I’m not the only one who thinks this!”

Sorry for the lack of posts, but God is working through me, and there have been a few things going on in my life that I would like to write about here, so I’m going to try to be more frequent.

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Things I Love About Being Single

Holiday season is upon us, and it seems to be the second-most popular time to be pressured into having a date or Significant Other, whether it be for Thanksgiving and other family get-togethers, for Christmas parties, for New Year’s, etc. (The most popular, of course, is wedding season.)

For me, however, the annual headache of divvying up my time among my parents’ families, stepfamilies, friends, and so on, makes me think, “How do married/serious couples do it?” There’s always the debate of whether to spend Christmas or Thanksgiving at his family’s or her family’s, or somewhere else entirely. Double the stress if there are divorced parents who have remarried, creating several families for each spouse/partner.

This got me thinking how happy I am to be single and not have to worry about in-laws. It naturally followed that I started thinking of other reasons why I’m glad to be single. Here’s what I have so far, in no particular order:

1. No divvying up visits between more families (and it’s hard enough for me to see family, step-family, and “unofficially adopted” family)

2. No in-laws to worry about any time of the year

3. Don’t have to worry about another person’s nutritional wants/needs. I can make all my meals to my own specifications, and no one else’s.

4. No need to be concerned about kids—having, raising, etc.

5. Ogling guys with zero guilt (unless they are engaged or married)

6. My paycheck is my responsibility. Although this is half-blessing, half-curse, as I’m not a fan of budgeting. But I am a big fan of personal responsibility and having sole possession over the fruits of my labors that the IRS deigns to permit me to keep.

7. I get to decide where I go on vacation!

8. I really do enjoy my solo activities. Although I don’t like cocktail parties or going out to eat by myself (unless it’s Panera and I have my laptop), I do enjoy going to movies and museums alone.

9. If I ever decided to get a pet, I could get whatever I wanted. But judging from my less-than-stellar ability to keep houseplants alive, I probably should avoid any responsibility for the well-being of another living creature.

10. I have the freedom to move residences and towns and experiment with my life and job without having to be concerned about how it affects a romantic relationship.

11. Freedom to learn about myself and get to know myself as a person.

12. Time, space, freedom, etc. to build up and explore my relationship with God.

13. No worries about abandoning girlfriends or disappearing from everyone’s radar because I’m in a relationship. (Seriously, why does this happen?)

14. No risk of making anyone feel squicked out by our PDA. (Again, why does this need to happen?)

I may add more to this list as things come to me. But I thought I should post it now, since I’m not sure if there will be a Friday Frivolity this week, as I will be out of town for Thanksgiving and Internet access will be limited. If that is the case, have a wonderful holiday to our American readers, and I wish a wonderful week on everyone!

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The Believer’s Agenda

In today’s society, to say that someone has “an agenda” is a terrible insult. It may imply single-mindedness, fanaticism, deceit, insensitivity, conspiracy, or any number of negative ideas. Like many Christ-followers, evangelism is a difficult area for me (“difficult” being probably far too mild of a word for it), and this is partly because I do not want to be seen as someone who has … an agenda.

I don’t remember if I’ve ever shared on this blog the way that God usually speaks to me, but it happened again at church last night.

Usually it starts with an idea being planted in my mind—whether it’s something I should be doing, something about myself that needs to change, a person I should talk to, etc. I think about it occasionally, during which time it may somehow come up in conversation. And then, once I have been “primed” to hear the message, it’s usually delivered via a church sermon or other authoritative method, as a spiritual wake-up blow to the head.

Lately I’d been thinking a little bit about how I need to share my faith more (uh, at all). Then on Saturday night we discussed evangelism at a mini-reunion of my mission trip team from this summer. I kind of felt this pressure to do something about it, and then, TA DAAA! it was the subject of last night’s message at my church.

So … yeah … God is trying to tell me something, perhaps.

This morning, Bethany and I were talking about how we both hate having an agenda. It seems dishonest, or disingenuous, or somehow not-good. But then I thought, OK … if someone is standing on a train track, and another person pushes them out of the way, the pusher has an agenda, right? That agenda is to save another person’s tuchas.

So, yes, we as Christians have an agenda. Except that agenda to distribute life-saving information, share the joy that we have found in Christ Jesus, and, oh yes, obey the God that we claim to love and serve.

I do hate to sound like a hypocrite: this is just as much a pep talk for myself as anyone reading this. I’m pretty much the least-qualified person to tell you how to go about doing this. Everyone may have a different method for evangelism, different fears regarding evangelism, and have different stories to tell. But the most important thing is to do it.

And whatever stands in your way—time, fear, resources, a speech impediment—God is even bigger.

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God is Shamelessly Extravagant

No Friday Frivolity today—I have to share something that occurred to me as I was doing a little devotional time at my work desk here.

I was reading Isaiah 40:31 as part of my Monday night Bible study, but then decided to go back and read all of 40, and then 41. This passage in particular struck me:

Isaiah 41:17-18: “The afflicted and needy are seeking water, but there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst; I, the LORD, will answer them Myself, as the God of Israel I will not forsake them. I will open rivers on the bare heights and springs in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water and the dry land fountains of water.”

The “afflicted and needy,” who have tongues “parched with thirst,” would probably be satisfied and immensely grateful if the Lord simply handed them a cup of water from heaven. That alone would be amazing.

But our God is a God of love, of abundance, and of shameless extravagance. How many times have we prayed to Him for something, waited for something, and wanted something, thinking how unfair it is that we don’t receive it? Surely God can hurry up with that little cup of water, right? It’s such a little thing, it shouldn’t be hard for him to provide to us, right?

Hold on a sec. He wants a heck of a lot more for us. We might be satisfied with a glass of water, but God is not. He wants to “open the rivers on the bare heights,” and “make the wilderness a pool of water.” And when He does, He wants to make sure we notice.

Have you ever received a blessing that far surpassed what you were hoping for? Think about it.

The Lord wants to be ridiculously generous with us. Our God is a God of shameless extravagance.

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If It Were Easy to Do, We Wouldn’t Have to be Told!

Something I’ve realized as I go dancing through life:

It may be hard to be kind and polite to, and to pray for, people you don’t like. But being kind to them, and especially praying for them, also makes it harder to dislike them.

I know it’s a basic concept, but sometimes we need a little refresher. Since God gave me such a reminder tonight, I thought I would pass it on.

Bless!

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A disciplined mind; or, contentment, not resignation

Hello all! It’s me, Bethany, writing to you from Berlin, Germany! I’m so sorry for the long absence—I would blame it on the busy-ness of the last month, but while that is partly at fault, it is mostly my lack of discipline that is to blame. See how I tied that right in to today’s title? Clearly this long absence has given me Super-Wit. Maybe I should try back in a year and see how it goes? Eh? Okay, maybe not. But I would like to muse a little bit about a subject I’ve been thinking a lot on, namely contentment and having a disciplined mind.

Maybe it would be best to lead in with a quote I’ve been loving for the past couple of weeks. It’s from G. K. Chesterton:

“Being “contented” ought to mean in English, as it does in French, being pleased. Being content with an attic ought not to mean being unable to move from it and resigned to living in it; it ought to mean appreciating all there is in such a position.”

I love this way of thinking about contentment, because I do so often think of it as resignation. I say to myself, “If I am content to be single, that means ‘I am a perpetual spinster and I LIKE IT.’” Or, “If I am to be content living far away from friends and family, that means ‘I must remain this way and spend the rest of my life communicating per e-mail and Skype.’” Or with a job, “This job does not make me happy, but looking for ways to make it better would mean I am – gasp – discontented!” I’m not sure where such a thought got started (probably somewhere in the sick part of my mind which thinks unhappiness is equivalent to holiness), but I don’t think it’s right. And I’m glad to have Mr. Chesterton’s quote to help me think through it.

My way of thinking (“Always resignation and acceptance!”) requires a strong will, which says — I can take what life throws at me and not complain. And this isn’t a bad skill; I think life does sometimes require that one just sucks it up and slogs through. But in day to day life, I think Mr. C. has it right. In his way of thinking, it is creativity and initiative, not a will of iron, that is required for contentment. To be content with an attic, to work with his example, one could rejoice in the intriguing angles of an attic roof, or the fantastic view (if your attic  has windows), the fact that heat rises (in the winter), or even fancifully imagine oneself captive in a tower. Now, none of this means you have to want the attic to be your home forever, but it does mean that you put your mind to work harnessing the advantages rather than enduring the disadvantages of your situation.

So that means, for the more mundane examples from my own life, that I don’t say “I’m not married, and contentment requires that I accept that loneliness will be my lot for the next 60 years.” First of all, that is nonsense anyway because marriage doesn’t insure against loneliness any more than singleness causes it. Second of all, a much better way to think about the situation would be “I am single. What can I do, today, with the peculiar advantages of this situation?” Maybe it is writing an extra letter to a friend, or inviting someone in another “lonely” situation to come over and cook supper with me. It requires inventiveness, and not only that, it requires follow through. It is not enough to say “this is a super-holy season of my life dedicated to Jesus,” it requires actually, day by day, doing the gritty work of looking for opportunities to use this time for God and the perseverance to actually do those things that come to mind. It requires not only perceiving but also doing the good works that God has prepared for us. Only by actually doing, I think, will we be able to see situations for their possibilities and not as something to be endured.

Your turn: I’d love to hear some ideas. What other ways can we, right now, use our particular circumstances to their fullest?

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Shout for His Glory, Even on a Monday

One of the songs my choir did at our church service last night. Click on the video to play, and again for the YouTube page itself.

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Friday Frivolity: The Lighter Side of eHarmony

During a recent dark period of “NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE MEEEEE” stupidity, I decided to try eHarmony (again). A few months later, I am utterly, mind-crumblingly bored with the selections and the entire process. When I realized how many of my “matches” eHarmony photos were giving me some good laughs, I thought I could use them to give others a laugh, and perhaps teach a brief lesson on online “dating profile photo etiquette.”

Note: I’m not making fun of these guys’ characters, or their looks. They’re all quite good-looking guys, and I’m sure they’re perfectly decent people. But in a time and place when one wants to give the best first-impression possible, using only the written word and a photo … well, you’d think they might have tried a little harder. Also, I did not edit these photos—color, cropping, etc—except to take measures to protect their identities.

Rule #1: No ex-girlfriends. And if you do have photos with girls, THIS IS WHY THEY HAVE CAPTIONS. At least explain who they are—friends, sisters, cousins, chem lab partner, etc. Don’t lazily half-crop them out. We’re not stupid: WE SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. A sloppy crop fools no one. You look lazy and cheap.

Proof:

For some photos, I did not need to take any measures to protect this man’s identity. He did it himself, providing a vague idea of his interests (mechanical things? ropes and tubes? boating?) but pretty much no clue about what he looks like:

Always keep in mind, this is eHarmony, not MySpace. Use of deep, emo pics when you are clearly neither is funny if you like irony, but not if it’s the only picture in this guy’s profile:

For THIS photo, I really wish that I didn’t feel obligated to protect the man’s identity, because you really have to see his full expression to understand why I consider this photo a fail. His eyes, looking directly into the camera, coupled with this infuriatingly smug grin, just SCREAMS, “I am holding this baby so I can look more attractive to the women who want one for themselves. Yes, I am a completely smug, manipulative man. Take it all in, ladies. Bask in the glory of my man-with-baby attractiveness.” But you can at least still see the smug grin.

(This method, obviously, doesn’t work on me. That’s probably why the photo so enraged me rather than making me laugh.)

But one thing to remember is: strangling puppies is not usually attractive.

As always, happy Friday!!!

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Friday Frivolity: There are Plenty of Fish in the Sea, but They Have a High Mercury Content

This video needs no introduction, really…

The saddest part: update the hairdos, put the information into an online profile, and you have eHarmony. I KNOW THIS FROM EXPERIENCE.

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Additional Words of Encouragement

Thanks to everyone who commented on the last post! The responses were amazing, well-thought-out, insightful, and more numerous than I had anticipated. I really appreciate it—especially because many of you put into words the concerns that I had, but somehow could not express. (And don’t worry, this isn’t someone I am dating or even considering.)

Now on to the true purposes of this post…

Dear Friends:

I’m posting this so people will read it (Duh), because I consider it exceedingly important. I have a special message for any of you who comes across this blog and may be going through some kind of difficulty right now.

Here is the message:

Everything is going to be OK.

I know, I may have oversimplified it a bit, so allow me to explain. Many of us are going through difficult times—whether it’s related to our job, church, family, residence, health, relationship, education, and so on—and are not sure what to do, how to react, or what things will be like once we have emerged from the other side of it.

But it’s going to be OK!

How do I know? For three months after I graduated from (a prestigious-for-a-tiny-four-year-liberal-arts) college, I was unemployed with a useless degree. I was busting my butt trying to find a job around my (sort-of) hometown, with little encouragement and nowhere else to go.

I was also over-paying rent for a house I lived in by myself, and come winter I found out that the house had leaky windows and no insulation, and one month my gas bill was over $180.

By that time I had gotten the only job I was able to get, which involved working for a drug-testing company and included collecting urine samples. Most of my workday involved being harassed (sexually and otherwise), scammed, and cursed at by nasty, sometimes-violent, drug-dependent and -dealing patients from the very dregs of society. During that time, and even now, I remain pro-drug-legalization, but I wanted to see all these people arrested simply because I hated them. (Most of them—a few were nice and cooperative.)

Several months later, in trying to find a job in the DC area, I had three excellent prospects and was turned down by all of them. I was also rejected for an internship that I wanted very badly—one for which a college professor had recommended me. By this point I was seriously questioning my faith and decided that prayer, church-going, Bible study, and God in general wasn’t getting me anywhere, so f*** it, I was going to take it from there, all by myself.

I basically said, “God, I know You’re there, but I don’t want to have anything to do with You anymore.”

That was the night that, not wanting to be alone, I drove to the house of a dear friend of mine. This friend was, in fact, teaching in Mexico at the time, but I was still friends with her parents and siblings. Right when I arrived, her mother was contacting her on Skype, and I was able to share in the conversation. About three hours later, I left the house with a great sense of restoration, and I knew that God was still giving me exactly what I needed, and when—even when it seemed so small.

Eventually, I moved to the DC area with a very little in savings and no job or apartment. I slept on the couch at a friend’s apartment for three weeks before finding a place with other friends. I was progressing very nicely in the process of getting a writing job with a non-profit, until they hired someone else. That was the last of my prospects, until I had a couple interviews with the company I now work for.

The job I have now is not what I’m doing the rest of my life. But it’s enough for now, especially when you consider also the amazing church that I’m involved with, and the fantastic friendships that I’ve made, as well as several experiences that I could not have had if I had continued to reject God and fail to trust Him.

Not everything is wonderful right now, and in the almost-year-and-a-half that I’ve been out in the DC area, I have experienced my share of drama, disappointment, and overall crap—including flirting with an eating disorder, dating/guy drama, and depression.

But when it’s bad, it’s not going to stay that way. And God is faithful throughout.

Psalm 86:15: But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Even if you don’t want to take my word for it, there are dozens of examples out there, past and present, of God’s faithfulness, or how, at the very least, things can change and hardly anything in life is static. For some more worldly examples, I recently read an interview about a current plus-size fashion designer who used to run a children’s non-profit. A few years ago, a book I was reading had an “About the Author” section that mentioned a list of previous jobs she’d held, which included “burrito-maker.”

Your current circumstances can affect your future. But they probably will not be your future.

Now, lest anyone misinterpret me, here is what I’m NOT saying:

1. I’m not saying that you have no right to complain—I bet you do. But believe me, I’ve tried, and it doesn’t help.

2. I’m not saying I’ve had it worse than you so don’t tell me about it—everyone has different experiences and circumstances, one just as valid as the next.

3. I’m not saying that things will never get worse than this, or that things will get better for ever after—life is a series of ups and downs.

4. I’m not saying that your feelings during this difficult period are not valid. Although feelings cannot be the foundation of our decisions, they cannot be completely ignored or denied.

5. I’m not saying, “You should listen to me because I am all-knowing and wise, and I have had so many more experiences than you.” I just think that my experiences, and coming out of the other sides of them, are a testament to the fact that God is faithful, and you are all going to be OK, too. It just may end up different from what you had expected.

6. I’m not advocating being passive and waiting for change—you do have to take initiative and make changes to some extent.

So, just to reiterate what I’ve been saying: I know how you feel—and that’s why I know you’ll be OK.

Sincerely and With Love,

Me

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Semi-Hypothetical Question

This is semi-hypothetical because I haven’t had this exact experience, but the question does come from something in real life.

Ladies: Let’s say you meet a guy, knowing that he’s on the lookout for his future life partner. Right out of the gate, he tells you he’s looking for a “Proverbs-31” woman, which he acknowledges is a lot to ask for, but he’s met two of them, so he knows they’re out there.

What would you think of that, and how would you react?

(Still not sure what to think and not wanting to influence anyone who might actually post a comment and answer this question, I will decline to post my two-cents for now.)

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Love at Every Size!

As a perpetually single supporter of Health at Every Size and Fat Acceptance (which I’ve discussed before), I was thrilled to see this: The Museum of Fat Love. The pictures are cute, but be sure you read the stories, too. They’re all unique to the couples involved—they met each other through different means, planned or not, and at different ages and stages in life. It’s inspiring and validating and just lovely to see.

And lastly, because I neglected Friday Frivolity AGAIN, here’s a blog post that Bethany will not be happy with, but which cracked me up: 5 Reasons I HATE the Grocery Store.

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Trading the Golden Calf for a Fatted Calf

In general Christian circles, pretty much everyone knows about the Last Night of the Church Retreat—after you’ve been having fun and then the retreat speaker drops the Serious Bomb. You make a life-changing decision, or you come closer to God than ever before, or you see things clearly for the first time. Or—none of that happens and you’re disappointed that it didn’t. As something of a contrarian, I often roll my eyes at the idea … until guess what?

Yep, it happened to me.

I got back yesterday from a weekend church retreat, and although the whole deal fell short of what I would personally call “fun” (I am quite literally not a happy camper), I had an incredible spiritual experience that left me very, very glad that I had gone. I hesitated to share it on this blog because it is very personal. But I shared it on my private blog , and several people have already thanked me for doing so. One friend said that I had pointed out how something in the Old Testament is relevant today. Because of that, and because someone reading this may be struggling with the same thing, I decided to just suck it up and be vulnerable.

Quick rundown: The general theme of the retreat was High School. The general lesson was about Loving God More—so simple, yet so deep. The Saturday night message, the Serious Bomb, was about the backpacks we carry, full of sin. These aren’t the backpacks that tumble off when, like in Pilgrim’s Progress, we accept Christ and His forgiveness. These are backpacks that we choose to keep on our backs, as followers of Christ, even though He has forgiven everything we’re carrying in them.

During this talk, I thought about what was in my backpack. There was plenty, of course, but I was having difficulty grasping the idea that much of it was related to one single sin. Depression isn’t necessarily a sin. Shyness isn’t necessarily a sin. What was my sin?

Finally it came to me: Idolatry. What’s the idol? Exactly what I’ve been blogging about for months: a nonexistent boyfriend. That boyfriend that I have never had, that I have wanted since at least the age of 14—and quite possibly earlier.

That alone isn’t really idolatry. A desire for intimacy and human relationships isn’t sinful—in fact, it’s usually God-given. But I was serving these desires instead of God, doing things for the idol that should have been done for God, in an attempt to bring myself closer to that idol, or to appease that idol. I mean, the main reason I had even gone on the retreat was that I know someone who met his girlfriend there last year, and maybe this was my chance. I said that I felt God calling me to move to the DC area, when I mostly just wanted to move to a place that (so I heard) was singles-friendly. (That was before I realized I wanted to marry an anti-government radical with Midwestern values.)

And yet, despite taking up so much of my energy, my time, my thoughts, and even my prayer life for a decade or more, I’ve never actually had a boyfriend. Oh, I’ve had a couple of opportunities—but I turned them down because they did not fit the image that I had created in my head. They were not the Golden Calf that I had pictured.

On Saturday night, I finally realized why God never answered my prayers. I had been asking Him to give me an idol. No matter how many times I ask Him for it, God isn’t going to give me my idol. The Bible makes it clear that God will allow us to follow idols, if that’s what we choose. Numerous times in the Bible, God handed the Israelites over to the idols they had chosen to worship.

Nehemiah 9:26-28: But they were disobedient and rebelled against You; they put Your law behind their backs. They killed Your prophets, who had admonished them in order to turn them back to You; they committed awful blasphemies. So You handed them over to their enemies, who oppressed them. But when they were oppressed they cried out to You. From heaven You heard them, and in Your great compassion You gave them deliverers, who rescued them from the hand of their enemies.

Ezekiel 20:31: When you offer your gifts—the sacrifice of your sons in the fire—you continue to defile yourselves with all your idols to this day. Am I to let you inquire of Me, O house of Israel? As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign Lord, I will not let you inquire of Me.

Isaiah 57:13: When you cry out for help, let your collection of idols save you! The wind will carry all of them off, a mere breath will blow them away. But the man who makes Me his refuge will inherit the land and possess My holy mountain.

God doesn’t supply the idols. He is not going to fulfill desires that will take us away from Him.

Exodus 34:14: Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.

I Corinthians 10:13: No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

I finally realized that my identity had not been in Christ, but in the idol I was pursuing. It was like I had spent years running down a tunnel, chasing a distant light, until I collapsed under the weight of this “backpack.” And then God came up to me with a lantern, asking if I was ready to walk with Him, at the pace He would set. I finally said “Yes,” and meant it.

Saturday night’s lesson ended with a reexamination of the story of the Prodigal Son, which had never meant more to me than it did on that day. Things may not have gotten easier yet, but they’re better, and my outlook is more positive than it was. My Father is cooking that fatted calf to welcome back His prodigal.

So, this being a blog about singleness, for single women, I have to ask: might this be a problem for you, as well? I’m not saying that if you’re single and unhappy about it, you must be an idolater as I had been. But do consider examining and possibly rethinking 1. your motives, 2. your priorities, and 3. where you are finding your identity. Are you living your life secure in your identity as a servant, a lover, and a daughter of Christ? Or are you drawing your identity from something else?

What’s your golden calf?

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A Random Analogy, Combining Singleness, Marriage, and Food

I have this thing about analogies: I love them. I can pull them out of the air like you wouldn’t believe. That’s probably a huge reason why I absolutely love Dr. House. Strictly speaking, of course, that would mean it’s the writers of House that I love. But that’s being picky. Anyway, Bethany and I are always laughing at the random analogies I come up with to illustrate life’s weirdnesses, and Tuesday was no exception.

To provide a bit of background for the analogy, here’s an abridged version of the Gchat conversation we were having when I had the brainwave:Bethany: It’s weird. I started making a list of an alternate projection of my life sans man.
Because yeah, I guess it’s totally possible that I’ll never get married.
And so I want to at least be able to look out at the future (which I am well aware I cannot project) and at least have a sort of interesting vista.

me: And what have you found?

Bethany: Well, among other things that God really means it when he says not to worry about tomorrow and to seek first the kingdom
So, that I should be doing things I can actually do
And change things I can actually change

me: Aha

Bethany: But I’ve also realized that to have a productive, happy single life, I’ll have to have more initiative than I would if I were married
But that’s probably not a bad thing. …
I really do think singleness, whether for a week or a lifetime, takes creativity
Because, marriage is sort of the — pre-planned life path.

me: Oh, that’s very true.
And probably why a lot of people consider it the boring, and/or “cop out” route.

Bethany: Probably so. It is definitely my “default”
Which isn’t bad, but if it doesn’t happen, I’m going to have a good life. Darn it.

me: Though the crew on the S.S. Boundless would argue otherwise, that marriage is a more exciting adventure than anything singleness could POSSIBLY offer.

Bethany: Haha
And I say, with you, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF PAUL?

Anyway, so that’s how our conversation was going…So I thought…

You know what? Let’s say that marriage and singleness are both different meals that you can have.

Marriage is like a traditional Thanksgiving meal—you already have an idea of what’s coming, and what foods are involved: turkey, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and pumpkin pie. This meal, however, involves other people, working together to make sure the meal goes well, that it is attractive and nutritious and delicious and not boring, and that those in attendance do not drive each other crazy.

Singleness is like having a pile of different ingredients at your disposal, but you are putting together the meal by yourself, from scratch deciding what you want to get out of it, and which ones you combine to achieve that goal. Oh, and you don’t have a recipe.

If you are a lifelong single, you have to consume what you make … so it better be tasty, nutritious, and enjoyable, making good use of the ingredients and resources you have.

If you eventually get married, the same thing applies, but whatever you’ve made while you’re single (“food baggage,” if you will) is going to be brought to the “Thanksgiving dinner”—and someone else has to eat it with you. So, again, you better make it good.

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