A Woman’s Guide to “A Girl’s Guide”: Part 3

After we were on a bit of a roll with the posting, this blog has been rather quiet, so our apologies for that. Bethany recently moved back home, and is preparing for a year of study abroad in Berlin, where she will work in a cabaret and marry an English writer. (Or maybe not.) Meanwhile, I’ve been dealing with internal stuff such as ill health and a bad attitude, neither of which are conducive to my productivity here.

But anyway, I’ve just finished reading and taking notes on the last chapter of “A Girls’ Guide to Marrying Well.” (Have I mentioned that I am slightly peeved at their use of “girl”? Girls don’t marry. Women do.) For this discussion of Chapter Four on Christian Compatibility, I’m going to switch it up a bit and first address the parts that I liked and/or agreed with, and then go into the more critical stuff.

(This is also going to be a two-parter within my series. I hope that didn’t just blow your mind. I had too much to say about the last chapter for one blog post.)

First, I appreciate the authors’ criticism of “soul mates.” They reiterate that marriage is a ministry that can be difficult at times, and that love is a choice that must be made every day. The authors offer non-negotiable traits that Christian women should look for in a husband, creating a short but spectacular list:

–A man must be a believer.
–He must be able and willing to provide for his family.
–He must love sacrificially.
–He must be honest, have a good reputation, and strive for the qualities of a spiritual leader. (See Acts 6:3, 1 Timothy 3:1-7, and Titus 1:6-9)

But on top of these things, they reminded readers that women must expect to marry a sinner who will not be perfect—he will be in need of grace and “realistic expectations,” even in a “good relationship.” They also noted that younger men are works in progress that should not be unfairly compared to more mature, refined, etc. men of 50 or so. The men we marry should also love Jesus more than they love us. We should also pray about the entire situation.

Ta-daaa! All wonderful things, I must say.

But … I will not lie, this was a fun chapter to read. It was pretty funny, for after getting fired up about the first chapter, generally agreeing with the second and third threw me off a bit. I was starting to think, “Aw, man, am I just going to be agreeing with this the rest of the way?”

Oh, no, my friends. No, I am not.

They did dispense with the “soul mate” idea, but not for the reasons it has always bothered me. Christ completes us. Another human being cannot. But they do not mention that. Perhaps because a Christian woman is already expected to know that? I hope that’s the reason. But still, it was unsettling for it to be left out.

So instead of a soul mate, what should we be looking for? Not looks, apparently:

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). The Bible is telling young men to search for a woman of character; looks won’t last, but character never leaves. The same is true when you’re searching for a man. Marriage is 98 percent living and 2 percent looking — so learn to value character over appearance.

That’s my favorite Bible verse. But I think many people take Proverbs 31 a bit too literally. Doing so is the spiritual version of a model on the cover of Vogue—idealized and humanly impossible—and often we miss the spirit of the instruction for the sake of the words. Young Christian men who are over-eager to find a “Proverbs 31 Woman” may become preoccupied with finding a woman who fits the old-fashioned idea of the perfect housewife, who literally arises before dawn to make clothes and bake bread and weave blankets. In seeking this woman, they may reject one who may not be the greatest cook, but does have the “strength and dignity” of verse 25, who speaks with the wisdom and faithful instruction (verse 26) and is still a hard worker (verse 27). Just not in the conventional sense.

(I love it that no one seems to take literally the verses in Proverbs 31: 3, and 31:6-7:  “Do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings” and “Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish; let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.”)

I DO want to know where they got the “98 percent living / 2 percent looking” statistic. Are you literally, physically blind at some point in your marriage? Do you not look at your spouse while you’re “living” marriage? What does this statistic even mean? Of course character should be valued above appearance—it runs deeper, and it lasts longer. But from a practical standpoint, in choosing a spouse, you are choosing someone you are going to look at for the rest of your life. Doesn’t it stand to reason that you want to choose someone you like to look at?

I’m not saying appearance should be top priority, I just don’t think it should be disregarded. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting a mate of both character and beauty. Humans were made to admire beauty, desire it, seek it—but not to be deceived by it. God chose David, a man after His own heart, to become king over Israel. (I Samuel 13:14 and Acts 13:22). But David was still a hottie (I Samuel 16:12). Did God create this entire, breathtaking world—with the jeweled colors of the hummingbird, the shapes of the clouds, the rhythm of the sea, as well as the human form—only for us to say “Appearance is unimportant, don’t consider it” ?

In defense of character, I have mentioned elsewhere that a person’s conceived appearance can change with further acquaintance. Their physical attractiveness is heavily dependent on personality, character, intelligence, etc. I might think that a guy is hott until I find out that he cheated on his wife, strangled a kitten, or practiced voodoo. Or that he was just generally a jerk. But a less-attractive guy can become more handsome, if I get to know him and find out that he’s fun, or very kind, or interesting, or some such combination. And I’m not saying, “Oh, he has all these good qualities, I will overlook his less-attractive exterior for their sake.” I mean that I actually perceive him as more physically attractive because of these unseen qualities.

I think this happens to most people if they give it a chance. It shows that, yes, character is not only more important, but it influences physical attractiveness. Physical attraction is still something to be regarded. This is why it cannot be the foundation of a relationship. But it can still play a role. It brings people together through the first spark of interest, for one thing. And one of my favorite Boundless contributors (and I mean that ironically) said her husband is “more spiritually mature, more seasoned, even more handsome” [emphasis mine] after 10 years of marriage. And she says that is a good thing. So clearly appearance is a factor in attraction and relationships. It’s just not the most important thing.

But what gets me in this Guide is that they seem to assume that if a woman does not want to marry a man who meets the admirable criteria listed above, it is because he’s not good-looking enough. But there are so many other reasons not to want to marry a particular godly man!

If you’re holding out for perfection, or have a long list of must-haves, it’s possible you’re overlooking some good men who are already in your life. … Even if he’s shorter than you. Or younger. Or bald. Failing to meet our worldly expectations—our romantic shopping list—is no liability if he meets biblical ones. That’s the only list that matters.

I said before that their non-negotiable list is wonderful and should be followed when determining the foundation of a potential relationship. But the quote directly above oversimplifies things. There are plenty of other things that go into finding a mate and establishing compatibility. Even if you don’t believe that God created each of us with an ideal mate—except for those gifted with singleness—you can’t believe that any Christian can be married to any other Christian with successful results. I know a man whose first wife was a Christian, but they divorced because she was essentially mentally unstable. And this man meets the criteria, and they shared a Christian faith. And yet there were other things that contributed to the failure of their marriage.

Bethany tells me, “If there are people one couldn’t room with, there are people one couldn’t marry.” Spot-on.

The Guide takes nothing about personality into account. There are some people I absolutely cannot stand to be around, and it’s not because they are terrible people. I know another guy who is both godly and good-looking, who meets every important quality for a Christ-follower, husband, and father. But thank God he’s married to someone else, because our personalities are very different and sometimes I just want to smack him.

Personally, I have some very radical political beliefs, and while they are not un-Biblical, they’re not exactly mainstream. Not every Christian man, no matter how open-minded or loving, could stand to live with me. (And I don’t want someone who can “put up with” my personality. I want someone who loves me for who I am, quirks and all. And vice-cersa.) Although I’m not even sure if I want to have children someday (a cardinal sin to the crew of the S.S. Boundless), I have some very decided beliefs on how I would raise them if I did have any, and I would want a husband whose ideas mesh with mine. And what of differing beliefs when it comes to non-salvation-related issues? What about life goals? Or cultural differences?

These things are important, too, and while not as important, they can still be deal-breakers!

You and your husband are not going to agree on everything all the time. But aren’t there some things that you don’t want to clash about for the rest of your life?

As for those annoying little habits that just aren’t going to change? After marriage, they still aren’t going to change. Some people just can’t live with certain things, and that’s just the way they are.

Bethany says, “I really have very low standards for the beauty of a potential mate. But there are definitely some people I really couldn’t live with.”

Exactly.

But in the Guide, they seem to believe that a woman who does not want a particular man is basing her decision on “selfish” reasons. Once (and only once) I was asked out by a young-man friend of mine. And by “asked out,” I don’t mean, “let’s get coffee,” but “let’s pursue a relationship.” He had the non-negotiable qualities previously listed, but for a variety of reasons that included personality differences, non-salvation beliefs, and attraction, I decided against this. I knew that this relationship would not last, even if I chose to give it a go, and I knew that ultimately we would make each other miserable. I was 100% certain that God was leading us in different directions. It broke my heart to tell him I didn’t think it would work out, but guess who met someone else and is now happily married?

And was I selfish to do this? According to the Guide, I was. I should have settled. Looking back on all the things we both would have missed out on if things had gone in another direction, I still know I made the right choice.

So ladies, even if he’s a single, godly man (if you currently have such an option in your life), that doesn’t automatically make him marriage material for you. Any cause for hesitation deserves another look.

In my next post: Chapter Four of the Guide, continued, with discussions of loving one another, what women can do to encourage guys, and staying objective.

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Friday Frivolity: Are You Ready?

Many young women eagerly await marriage. But are they prepared for it?

ARE YOU?

Find out now:

As always, happy Friday!

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A Woman’s Guide to A Girl’s Guide: Part Two

After reading chapters 2 and 3, on Purity and Community, respectively, in A Girl’s Guide to Marrying Well, I found that I honestly agree with most of it, so this post won’t be quite as fired-up as Part One.

There are a few things that rankled, but others may consider it nit-picky or irrelevant for me to address them.

As one who believes in Health At Every Size and is a minor player in the ongoing Fat Acceptance movement—which should be self-explanatory—I resented the Guide’s use of the phrase “overweight and unattractive” when it suggested that women cultivate inward and outward beauty. (Side note: For a fascinating illustration of the fallacies of the BMI measurement, click here.) I think you should take care of your body and eat balanced, varied meals and participate in exercise, of course, but there’s something to be said for natural weight ranges and different attraction preferences. I don’t diet, and have maintained a stable weight for about a year now. And as for physical attractiveness, I can tell you that I know several women who find “chubby” guys more attractive, and I’ll agree with them in some cases—though I tend to have a broad range in what I find attractive. Doubtless that goes for guys too. But I don’t think “overweight” (over what weight, anyway?) should be lumped with “unattractive.”  I think that’s unfair, ungracious, and lazy.

Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. Back to the Guide.

The problem with reading a guide—or at least a chapter within a guide—on purity is that I’ve become kind of jaded, almost numb, to such instructions. I think it started with reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye at the age of 12. And it’s not because I am so enmeshed in sexual sin that I don’t care about it anymore. It’s that, having never had a boyfriend (hence the phrase “perpetually single”), I’ve had so little need to maintain boundaries that sexual sin is almost a foreign concept to me.

And I’m not trying to say, “Look at me, I am super-holy,” or “Wah wah, nobody wants me.” I’m just saying, it’s hard to relate. Not that I’ve never faced such temptation before—that’s another story in itself—but God saw fit to remove me from those circumstances before I had the chance to do anything stupid.

Make no mistake: I’m all for purity and abstaining from sexual intercourse until marriage. But I’m also wary of the black and white approach that many of the Guide‘s contributing authors seem to take on physical intimacy in a dating relationship.

First, there’s the argument that, because humans were designed for sex (Really? Just that? Nothing else? Interesting.), a godly man and woman should avoid physical contact when dating because it will start them “down the road” or “along the slippery slope” and other metaphors for simply going too far. As though one kiss will make people lose all control and, before you know it, you’ve lost your clothes and have no idea what happened. So couples should be careful when walking hand-in-hand down the street—because even that bit of physical contact may prove too much, and in the next few minutes they’ll be so overcome with passion that they may progress to hugging, and then one peck on the cheek turns into making out, and then suddenly they’re committing public indecency and getting arrested.

This is yet another situation where balance is so important. I do understand their reasoning for saying that men and women should maintain purity by having as little physical contact as possible. I just don’t think it’s always the best approach.

For some people, even a little bit of alcohol is enough to jump-start a drinking binge. For others, a few drinks now and then is perfectly satisfactory. Still others don’t see a need to drink all. In all cases, drunkenness is still a sin, but for each person, the pathway to sin, and the temptation to sin, is different.

I think that physical intimacy works similarly in people. Because of their past, their mindset, or simply because of their individual physical and emotional makeup, some people are unable to kiss without it igniting a rapid chain of events leading to intercourse. Others can. Some people see hugging as a more sexual form of physical contact than others. In all these cases, fornication is still a sin. But the temptation presents itself differently to different people. For some people, having almost no physical contact only heightens the mental, emotional stimulation, leading to lust in the heart—which is still a sin. (Matthew 5:28, anyone?) For others, and I imagine myself part of this category, the occasional touching, hugs and kisses, are useful, nay essential, to “tide one over” until the relationship can be consummated within the bond of wedlock.

But as I said, I’m not promoting moral relativism: In all these cases, the sin itself does not change. It’s just that the path of temptation can be different for different people.

The chapter on community was pretty great, though of course it was a little over-the-top for me in some areas. But after surviving a period when I faced serious temptation (as referenced earlier), I got a better inkling of the importance of having Christian community, for encouragement and accountability and prayer and all those things. On the mission trip a few weeks ago, I REALLY realized the importance. It’s one of those things that you don’t quite realize how much you need until you get a little taste, and kind of hard to describe. So yes, please, find a trustworthy Christian mentor, and build up a Christian community of all ages. Have a “panel” ready for when you start wondering if this guy is the one, where they can observe and rank him and give you their opinion (“He’s bow-legged.” “He just kicked that dog.” “He is the answer to all your dreams.” I hope your panel’s input will not be so wildly disparate.)

Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that. Tune in next time for the thrilling conclusion, Chapter 4: Christian Compatibility. It’s going to be delicious.

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A Woman’s Guide to “A Girl’s Guide”: Part One

I completely forgot that I had signed up to receive A Girl’s Guide to Marrying Well from the Christian webzine, Boundless, and was extremely excited to find it in my email today, immediately deciding to critique it for this blog. (I’d link to it directly, but you have to sign up for it yourself if you want a copy.)

I have to confess, I have a love-hate relationship with Boundless. Most of their general stuff about living the Christian life is great. Honestly. Check it out. I mean it.

Hold off on the stuff about being single, though. When the site talks about singleness and marriage, I tend to feel my skin crawl and have steam come out of my ears. A few years ago, for a few months of my life, I was totally on board with everything the Boundless authors said. Eventually, somehow, that cooled down and I realized that a lot of what they say is somewhat over-the-top and, in a few cases, biblically questionable. Not that I don’t want to get married, or that I don’t want God to bring me the right man. I’m just a little, oh, more level-headed about it.

I’ve been wanting to address a Boundless piece on this blog for quite some time now, so this seemed like the perfect opportunity to do so. Plus, it specifically mentions things that I have recently discussed here. Be warned, though, that I am one of those people who says, “I’m not cynical, I’m realistic,” so I may sound a bit harsh or melodramatic. (What else is new, right?)

But if you read nothing else in this post, read this: In all seriousness, I’m not here to bash marriage. Clearly. I really would like to get married someday to the right man, but I’d be happy serving the Lord as a single woman, if that is His will instead. And I’m very happy for the authors of this Guide, that their marriages apparently have worked out so well. I just don’t think that singleness is any less important or useful a state than marriage is, and I think that focusing too much on getting married in the future may cause women (and men, to be fair) to miss out on blessings in the present.

That said, let us proceed.

I had to heave a sigh when I read the opening sentence of the intro: Most women hope to marry, but for many, it’s not happening like they thought it would.

Welcome to life. Many things don’t work out as we had thought they would. Does that mean it’s also not happening as God thought it would? Isn’t He bigger than that? Maybe He has other plans. I had hoped to finish my novel by now, but stuff happens. And guess what? Life goes on, and it’s OK. I haven’t given up hope, I’m just doing other stuff, too. Stuff I never planned. Stuff I never even considered or thought possible.

The first part of the Guide involves being intentional toward marriage: living life as if you plan to get married. The authors write:

Living like you’re planning to marry means intentionally resisting the cultural traps of male bashing [but what if they deserve it??], procrastinating [?], unrealistic expectations, hyper independence [what does that even mean?], and avoiding risk and instead cultivating community, stewardship, and purity — the elements of Christian discipleship that can best help you recognize and embrace good opportunities for marriage.

Except for the things that I don’t quite understand (like what she means by procrastination and hyper-independence, which go unexplained in this chapter), I’m actually supportive of this. But that’s just the thing: these are good things to practice as a Christian, whether you are planning to get married or not. Being single doesn’t give you any extra moral leeway—as Christians, we should be cultivating godliness and a Christ-like example out of obedience to God, out of a desire to serve Him, whether we are single or married. I tend to think that any other motivation puts a hypothetical future husband first, instead of God—and that’s called idolatry, sisters.

Matthew 6:31-33: So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

I think this applies to seeking/hoping for a spouse, as well. God knows what you want and need. He’s got you covered, literally and figuratively.

As for intentionality, what if God really intends for you to not marry? Or to be single for a relatively long time? I mean, really. It could happen. Lest you think me too critical, there is plenty in this Guide that I agree with. For example:

The problem of delayed marriage has a lot to do with men who won’t take initiative.

YEAH. MAYBE. YA THINK?

To the men we say, “Get going, it’s time you accept the challenge to pursue marriage.”

ABOUT TIME.

And to the women, “Stop glorifying the single years as a super-holy season of just you and Jesus.” Yes, being single does provide the chance to be uniquely intimate with Jesus. Enjoy that. But don’t over-emphasize it.

Wait … what? HOLD UP.

What happened to men being attracted to women who were happy and confident and at peace? What happened to having a heart fully devoted to the Lord? If we are, in the words of a Christian author I deeply admire, “sassy, single, and satisfied,” are we supposed to pretend to be miserable so that men can come in and rescue us from our unbearable loneliness? Don’t men tend to steer clear of needy, desperate women?

(As usual, Bethany’s reaction is much calmer and to-the-point: “That is really discouraging to people trying to see the good in what is now.”)

But there is more. It continues:

Why? Because it gives guys permission to kick back and let you. If they think you’re perfectly happy as a single, why wouldn’t they let you stay that way? Especially when so many of them are gun shy.

First of all, if a man is gun-shy—either with women or with actual guns—I’ll say “No, thanks.” Secondly, if that’s his attitude, then clearly he himself is not that intentional toward marriage. If I do get married, I’m looking for someone who has a heart for Jesus and is happy with his life, and who is seeking a woman of similar traits. I realize that there may be a balance between, “I LOVE BEING SINGLE! I’M SO HAPPY THIS WAY, I DON’T NEED A MAN, YOU PUNKS! BE GONE!” (of which I have been guilty) and “I AM SO MISERABLE! SOMEONE PLEASE MARRY MEEEEEEEE SO I CAN BE HAPPY” (of which I have also been guilty), but what does that balance look like? “Yes, I’m happy now, but I’d be happier if I had a husband”? Are you sure? Any husband? Really?

How about: “I’m so happy with my relationship with the Lord and where I am in my life! I want to share that happiness with someone” ?

After reading more, I became concerned that this guide is putting marriage on a pedestal of nearly idolatrous levels:

Marriage holds the possibility of partnership, adventure, creativity, challenge and many more of the things we long for, but try to obtain with inferior pursuits. As Amy and Leon Kass observed in their roles as professors at the University of Chicago, “…we detect among our students certain (albeit sometimes unarticulated) longings — for friendship, for wholeness, for a life that is serious and deep, and for associations that are trustworthy and lasting — longings that they do not realize could be largely satisfied by marrying well.” (Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar, 2)

Although singleness is clearly different from being married, a life lived for Christ holds all those things and more, for people in either state. I may be resorting to cliche by pulling out the “Paul card,” but was Paul’s life any less adventurous, creative, serious, or challenging because he was unmarried? Did he want for partnership and “trustworthy associations”? Not only was he in close intimacy with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, but he had the help, love, and support of Christians elsewhere in the world, such as Timothy and Epaphroditus.

Can you imagine this conversation going on somewhere in the Roman Empire?

Some guy: “Hey, Paul, how’s it going? Haven’t seen you in a couple years.”
Paul: “Going well, thanks. Hey, I heard you got married. Congratulations.”
SG: “Thanks! Oh, man, it’s awesome. It’s the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to me. What have you been up to?”
P: “The usual, you know. Making tents. Got thrown in prison with a friend. Sang some praises to God, and watched the walls collapse and our chains fall off, and then the jailer became a Christ-follower. It was fantastic. Was in a shipwreck, too, carrying the Word of God across the world. Oh, and an angry mob stoned me last month. That hurt. So, marriage is exciting, huh?”
SG: ” … “

And for a more feminine and recent example, what about Mother Teresa? NEED I SAY MORE?

Perhaps these are extreme examples, but I think that what many people seek in marriage, they really should first seek in Christ. This is what I’ve been emphasizing lately on this blog, and I see no reason to back down from what I have said. I’m not saying that marriage doesn’t offer the things they mentioned, but they’re not exclusive to marriage, and marriage doesn’t guarantee them. I don’t believe that being single is necessarily inferior to being married—I think both circumstances can be blessings from God and used to His purpose, and they both carry their own advantages and difficulties.

(Bethany adds, “So much of life is in its purpose and in the goals, not in our state. … Plus, if we are incapable of adventure and friendship now, how is marriage going to fix us?”)

One thing I rather dislike is the emphasis on marriage as an end in itself, a mythical “happily ever after.” Single life may have ended, but life in general goes on, long after the I-do’s are said. It’s not necessarily smooth sailing once the bride has been kissed and the cake has been cut. I’m not saying that all relationships are unnecessarily difficult, and certainly there are efforts that spouses can take to make things easier for each other. But marriage doesn’t simplify things, and it doesn’t automatically make you happier all the time.

Now that I’ve dug myself into this hole of criticism, let me attempt to get out of it by saying that the Guide does a great job of addressing a lot of the problems that single Christians face, especially when it comes to interactions between the sexes and attitudes toward dating.

I’ve recently observed several non-dating relationships that seem to fall into the “intimate friends” category. In every case, it is the woman who is paying the price emotionally. Why? When a guy starts investing his heart, he can do something about it by making a move. And if the girl rejects him, the friendship ends or changes significantly. [Oh man, I’ve been there.] A woman, however, can hang on in this kind of relationship indefinitely, hoping the guy will eventually share her feelings. She makes herself available to him as a “friend,” all the while hoping the friendship will blossom into something more. [Alas, I’ve been there, too.]

I don’t think it’s impossible to have close male-female friendships without romantic feelings existing in either person, but it can be difficult. I don’t think that men and women need to abandon their opposite-sex friends if one or both parties are not “marriage-attracted” to each other (a phrase I coined INSTANTLY), as long as they’re open and honest about where the friendship is going. Being open and honest saves a lot of trouble.

Single men and women are failing each other. Uncommitted intimate friendships may satiate immediate needs, but they lead to frustration and heartache. Not to mention, for singles ready for marriage, these “friendships” waste time and energy.

Another author seems to agree with me that close male-female relationships are not impossible, though less-advisable. However, the reasoning is slightly … off:

Close friendships by their very nature tend to involve extensive time talking and hanging out one-on-one. They tend to involve a deep knowledge of the other person’s hopes, desires and personality. They tend to involve the sharing of many aspects of each other’s daily lives and routines. In other words, they tend to involve much of the type of intimacy and companionship involved in — and meant for — marriage.

Soooo, does this mean that Bethany and I should stop leading each other on and get married? Hmm, well I guess that solves our singleness issues, but not quite what I was looking for. OK, so that was a cheap shot. My apologies.

But there are other parts of the Guide that make me cheer and say, “Well done!”

Once you’ve met a man you’d like to date, then it’s time to exercise kindness, put your best foot forward in friendship, pray like crazy and maintain good boundaries. The best way to motivate a male friend to “make things official” is to back off from spending so much time with him. If everyone thinks you’re dating, then you’re probably acting like you are. But by giving him so much access to your time, affection and intimate friendship — without requiring any commitment on his part — you’re removing all the incentives for him to be forthright about his intentions.

I read this and thought, “Wow, this is advice that Marianne Dashwood really should have followed in Sense and Sensibility.” (Which means it’s probably good advice for me, since she and I have a number of things in common.) And then I got completely thrown by the next bit, which seems to disregard what they said earlier:

It’s frustrating to feel like there’s nothing you can do. But you can pray and you can go about the life God has given you; living to the full. The young man may observe you being content and find your confidence attractive (assuming it’s genuine). That’s always a possibility.

It IS! That’s what I’ve been trying to TELL you! And it’s something you should do even if there isn’t a man who may be interested!

Well, that concludes my analysis of the first part of A Girl’s Guide to Marrying Well. Because I took so much time and space, I will address parts 2-4 at a later time. Happy Wednesday!

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What I Learned on my Mission Trip: Part One of Who Knows

Hello, all! I have returned from my mission trip to England, and I would be lying if I said I was pleased about that. Since it was 1) in England, which has always topped my places-to-see! list, and 2) a mission trip, during which amazing things tend to happen, I was expecting not to want to come back. And I didn’t.

(Saturday was especially difficult, with my roller-coaster emotions culminating in a Marianne-Dashwood-esque walk through the rain, feeling generally miserable, and today I have a sore throat, I kid you not, that will probably result in my becoming severely ill and bedridden so that someone will have to send for my mother to come and be with me right before I die.)

But that also means that the trip was incredible, right? Returning to the craziness of real life—work, moving to another apartment, catching up with family and trying to explain a fraction of what I experienced on the trip—has not been appealing. It’s kind of like something I remember reading in Stuff Christians Like once, only more so.

Anyway, as I continue to adjust and process what I’ve gone through, I’m sure I will have many things to discuss on this blog. The first thing I wanted to share is, in fact, something I did not expect to learn.

As an only child of divorced parents, I didn’t have that much of a male-leadership presence growing up. I never had brothers, and although I love my dad, we’re not extremely close. I’ve never had that many guy friends, Christian or otherwise. And even though I’m not a crazy feminist, my attitude for much of my life has been, “Meh. I don’t need a man.” (Though there have been times of feeling, “Wow, a boyfriend would be really great right now,” to which all single women can relate, I’m sure. Or at least Bethany. And Jenna. And Kara. And Jessica. And Katie. OK, yeah, so all single women.)

Obviously, having been made complete in Christ, that’s true in a sense. At least, we don’t need a man to complete us. In fact, one can’t. Except for Jesus, Who was obviously more than just a man. But anyway, I didn’t quite appreciate, or realize the importance of, solid Christian male leadership. The more I write about this, the harder it is to put into words, I’m finding. But to see the men at this mission conference step up in faith, show commitment to God’s work, demonstrate the love of Christ, and be honest about their mistakes was encouraging, beautiful, a relief, and all sorts of other lovely things.

We may not have been preaching the gospel in the jungles of Africa, or feeding malnourished children at an orphanage in South America, or secretly distributing Bibles in China, but the spiritual battleground was no less real in the streets of London. During that time, I gained a little more insight into the kind of leaders that God has called men to be. I also became more aware of the importance of finding a man—God willing—who can show that kind of leadership. The analogy that female Christians are princesses because we are daughters of the King can get a little tired and nauseating at times, but there is truth to it. I believe that not only do we owe it to ourselves to seek and to truly desire a man after God’s own heart, but we owe it to our Heavenly Father. I think it’s disrespectful to Him, as our Creator and Savior, to settle for anything less.

(Imagine someone serving you an incredibly expensive, intricate, complicated, delicious meal prepared with care and anticipation. And then imagine snubbing that meal for a Big Mac. Sure, the Big Mac was tasty, but someone went to trouble of making that fabulous meal just for you, and you pushed it aside for a cheap grease-fest.)

In short, ladies: Don’t compromise your beliefs for any man. And please, please don’t settle for less than God’s best for you. I may be Perpetually Single, but even I learned that the hard way. Trust me on this. God loves you, He has your best interests at heart, and He knows exactly how to get that done. He’s also bigger than whatever you may be facing: loneliness, a bad relationship, uncertainty about the future. You’re His daughter, and you deserve a man who recognizes that.

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Dating Tips From the Perpetually Single

Although this is posted under my name, the starting idea was actually Bethany’s, and I wanted to make sure y’all knew that.

Thanks to this blog, we have now explored (in no particular order) the secrets of men, a cautionary tale of online dating, and misguided tips to woo a woman. The next logical step might be examining tips on how to woo a gentleman, but this is “Notes From the Sisterhood of Perpetual Singleness”—not Cosmo, Seventeen, or even How to Get a Date Worth Keeping (a book by Henry Cloud that we will be sure to discuss at a later date). You will not find kissing tips, win-your-ex-back tips, or meet-a-hottie-at-the-beach-this-summer! tips here. If we were at all qualified to offer such advice, we probably wouldn’t be writing this blog.

BUT we do know ourselves. Sort of. So instead, we (by which I mean Bethany) thought we’d assemble our own responses to some of the topics we have previously explored. As always, make use of the comments feature if you want to dispute or add to anything we say.

To sum up, an alternate post title might be, Advice We’d Rather See Men Follow Than Some of the Other Cra Stuff You Find on the Internet.

Emily’s Dating Tips
After thinking about it, I decided to do a more personalized version of “how to woo a woman,” because the original article is mostly bad advice with some good elements sprinkled in, and it’s hilarious and an easy target and I’m just kind of cruel that way. For reference, the old post is linked above, and the original article is here.

1. Be Reliable, but not Boring.
It’s already become well-documented, especially in an uncertain social and economic climate, that women’s preferences are gradually moving away from the metrosexual with the flashy job, toward more traditionally masculine men with tried-and-true careers that may be less glamorous (we’re talking plumbers and carpenters here, maybe even blacksmiths).

Why is this? Reliability, stability, and, on some level, trustworthiness. It’s the same with personality, lifestyle, and character. Despite the appeal of whirlwind romances and a gypsy lifestyle, I’m sure most ladies will agree with me that a man who knows what he’s about, what he stands for, and what he wants out of life is very attractive. But because life needs variety, he should also put a little effort into being spontaneous once in a while.

Actually, I just reminded myself of the 1967 movie Barefoot in the Park, starring Robert Redford and Jane Fonda. The young newlyweds nearly break up because she finds him too much of a dull, rational, stick-in-the-mud, and he thinks she’s overemotional and irresponsible. When Redford’s character leaves her and gets rip-roaringly drunk, Fonda’s character realizes that she doesn’t like him to be irresponsible, unpredictable, and ridiculous—she loves him just as he is.

All together now: AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW

But see, if he hadn’t broken with the status quo for a little while, she might never have come to that realization!

2. Make her feel special.
There is a fantastic blog floating around the Internet somewhere that I fully intend to find again, about the Nice Guy Syndrome. Because lots of nice guys complain that women like jerks, or “bad boys,” or whatever. One of the reasons it seems that way is because “bad boys” make a girl feel special—they’ll treat everyone like crap, except her. Of course, eventually they’ll treat her like crap, too, which is why a sensible woman with half a brain and an ounce of self-confidence won’t actually want such a man. But the change in behavior, however brief, leaves a girl in no doubt of his interest in her—he treats her differently (i.e., better). Nice guys are nice to everyone, and if he’s equally nice to a girl he’s interested in, that doesn’t help her feel special, or even aware that he’s interested. So nice guys have to be a little more creative, while still adhering to #1 by staying true to themselves and what they believe.

(OK, so maybe nice guys do have it tough.)

3. Take the lead, with respect. Follow the original U.S. Constitution: Write the bill, but give her veto power.

Or, in the words of you non-politics-nerds: Make plans, but let her have final say—be decisive, take charge, but be flexible.

4. Be sincere.
If you’re going to compliment her, mean it. If you really like her, or if you think the relationship is not right or going nowhere, be up-front about it. If you’ve got some crap going on in your life, don’t pretend things couldn’t be better, unless you’re actually that optimistic. If there’s something going on that you’re very happy or excited about, don’t feel that you have to be cool about it. You don’t have to spill your guts about every nuance of life, but be honest, and whatever you do or say, mean it!

5. Be Confident, not Cocky.
I have no idea why this is so difficult for people to understand, and yet I see it repeated all the time. No, men, we women do not actually like jerks. We like men who are confident in themselves, but treat people well. Astonishingly, the two are not mutually exclusive.

6. Be independent & have your own life. Also, don’t expect her to share all your interests.

I have found that 1) contrary to what many men believe, most women don’t want to share every single interest in common, and 2) even if some of them do, men can be just as bad.

Guess what, guys. I don’t expect y’all to like musicals, politics, and dorky, interactive history museums targeted toward 6th-graders as much as I do. I don’t expect my nonexistent boyfriend to join my all-female version of MST3K when my friends and I get together and watch old-school Beverly Hills 90210. I don’t expect him to be particularly thrilled by Tim Burton’s latest film. Likewise, I shouldn’t have to smile and nod my way through a sports game, or to pretend that I really do want to learn how to play pool, or join in with a session of video games with the boys. Occasionally, yes, of course, we all must make sacrifices. But this list just took a very personal turn, and for that I apologize. Still, individual differences and interests are healthy. There. That was my whole point.

7. Don’t follow how-to dating lists.
Yes, I just erased all my previous advice with that last nugget of wisdom. But everyone is different, and you can’t prejudge people, generalize them, or put them in boxes. Read on, my friends: Not only is Bethany’s list far superior, but it will only prove my point. (Except where I agree with everything she says except for 5. And probably 8. Anyway…)

Bethany’s Dating Tips

1. Speak well of people.
Especially your ex-girlfriend and that boss who was kind of a jerk. Or don’t talk about them at all, at least early in an acquaintance. It really turns me off and makes me think badly of a person when, in our first couple of conversations, I hear how awfully people have treated him (Lizzy Bennet, take notes!). I’m all for being honest and not sugar-coating life, but some things really don’t need to be shared until friendships have deepened. Reserve and discretion are good here, as is charity. Even if people have made mistakes or behaved very badly in the past, it’s no reason to knock them to every person you meet. You know, unless he is an axe murderer and that person is planning a date with him the next day. I do find it great when guys can talk about their ex’s in cordial (not still-love-struck) terms. It is a good feeling to know that this is a person capable of valuing the good qualities of someone who, for whatever reason, is not with him anymore.

2. Ask me questions!
This is probably my neuroses talking, but I really hate boring people (as in – I hate feeling that I am boring people. I actually like “boring people” quite a lot). And the best way for me to feel I’m not boring people is if they ask me questions. Probably even non-neurotic people would agree that it makes you feel special and appreciated when people take a sincere interest in your life and opinions. Of course, this can go too far and one can end up feeling interrogated, but sincere interest, good questions, and listening can be a big plus and, of course, really make the whole conversation thing go a lot better. I guess what I’m saying is, please don’t force me to inflict my life and views on you. Invite me to inflict my life and views on you! Thanks.

3. Be affectionate to your mom and sisters.

I find that—absolutely loveable. (And yes, I am Emily Dickenson, apparently.)

4. Have a poker night.
Or something. I love it when guys spend some of their time doing just-guys things. It’s pleasant and masculine and healthy, I think. This feeds in to the larger issue of having a full and good life even when one doesn’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend. It is a good feeling that the person who is interested in me is not totally dependent on me for entertainment or support – independence is both attractive and mildly relieving.

5. Steal someone’s baby.

Wait, wait! Don’t run off and do that till I explain! What I mean to say is, there are few things more endearing and attractive than a man caring for a child. However, a man with a child of his own is probably in some sort of relationship. So, to have the effect of cute man with child, he’d be forced into theft. Or borrowing a nephew or something.

6. Be kind and friendly to everyone.
Don’t just be nice to your friends and the girl you have a crush on. Now, I know guys can take this to extremes and seem to be flirting with pretty much any girl around (note – this is not a good plan – very confusing and not nice), but it leaves a good impression on me when a man can treat men and women with thoughtfulness and respect, when he will behave kindly and friendly-ly when he ends up sitting next to the not-so-pretty sister at the end of the dinner table farthest from the object of his admiration. Again, as relationships grow closer people will certainly communicate their likes and dislikes of people (since people usually don’t like everyone), but treating people well is good. I suppose what I’m saying here is: I really appreciate men who treat all women well, and the object of their affection extra-especially well. And with something that goes beyond kindness to something more intimate.

7. Tease me, but know where the line is.
Good teasing can be so satisfying because it requires both wit and knowledge of the person you’re teasing. I love it when a friend or lover (ha ha, just kidding about that second bit) makes a joke which shows he or she really know your quirks or habits or even pet peeves. On the other hand, too much teasing, or teasing with underlying meanness, can be tiresome and even hurtful. This is a two-way street though, requiring sensitivity on the part of the jokester and the ability to say “enough is enough” from the recipient. And patience from both of them – especially in the muddle-y business of getting to know someone, these things take time.

8. Wear plaid.
Just kidding, just kidding. No, actually not. That is all.

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There, but for the Grace of God

In gathering ideas for another post, I was rereading some of my previous ones, which included the examination of the unfortunate list of 10 tips to woo women. I started browsing the original website (The Times of India) and found this article, clearly appropriate for over-analysis on our blog: On a Lonely Trail. I confess, I was expecting something as astonishing and hilarious as the last article I read from that website.

What really struck me about this article, however, was how truly sad it was. Not in the execution, but the message itself. Instead of feeling sorry for all these people who are miserable because they are single, all I could think was how being single was not, in fact, their biggest problem. I kept thinking: These people need the love and peace of Jesus Christ.

It’s also sad that something so true has become a somewhat cheesy, eye-rolling cliche, but they do! They do need Jesus, as we all do! He is everything! That doesn’t mean that, even with a personal relationship with Him, we will never feel lonely or uncertain. We are human beings created for interaction and relationships with other human beings. But when people speak of a void in their life, they’re not really referring to the lack of a spouse or committed partner, but to that “God-shaped hole” that exists in every human heart, that cannot be filled by anything else. As an example, here is an excerpt from the article:

Anamika, a PR executive says candidly, “I let go of everything – my leisure time, my friends and even pampering myself – for my career. But now I’m only left with a great job and little else. I felt only accomplishments matter in life but now I feel the need for a partner too.” Even though many singles have a good equation with their family and friends, but still they feel a void inside. [sic]

As a Christian, I do not believe in soul mates, that there is another person out there who will “complete” me. I am complete and whole in Christ, and an individual who is lovingly created by Him. Obviously, that does not remove the also-God-given desire for a mate, but even if that desire is never realized, I will still be a complete person, and I will know that God’s plan ultimately prevailed, and that heaven—where there is no marriage, no male or female—awaits me still. If being single is still difficult sometimes for me, who knows all this, how much worse must it be for the lonely singles who are also without the hope and peace that comes from a personal relationship with an almighty God who loves us?

So even as singles continue to march on in life, they find it hard to admit that they are unhappy about their single status. But now many are admitting to a desire for that elusive emotional anchor.

But a mate does not provide such an anchor! Of course, there is some stability in having the right partner, but it is still a relationship with an imperfect human being who will eventually disappoint. That is why it is so important for Christ to be that anchor. Hebrews 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Family, marriage, careers, hobbies, etc. can be wonderful things—but they are not eternal, and they cannot forever fill that “void” that so many people feel, whether single or married. Finding a lifelong partner does not mean that everything falls into place.

In I Corinthians 7, Paul not only says, “However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems.” (And I realize that there is historical context that he is specifically addressing here.) He also says, “Those who weep or who rejoice or who buy things should not be absorbed by their weeping or their joy or their possessions. Those who use the things of the world should not become attached to them. For this world as we know it will soon pass away.”

We need to remember to focus on our relationship with Christ, our eternal treasure. Not only that, but we must remember those who carry burdens in their hearts because they do not have such a treasure. Being single is as much a blessing as marriage is, but either state can be a curse without God’s hand in it. As singles who are blessed to have a relationship with our Lord and Savior, let’s reach out to those who are seeking solace and intimacy where it does not last, and point them toward that which does.

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Twilight and Abstinence: Addressing Some Misconceptions

FINALLY! It took me FOREVER to get the formatting on this thing the way I wanted it, and I had to resort to primitive methods. Anyway, we’re up and running now.

I will freely admit that the Internet does not need another Twilight website or commentary, whether pro- or anti-. I know this. I can’t help it. There’s something I have to address, particularly because I have yet to see others make the same observation to my satisfaction.

Full disclosure: I hate Twilight the book. Now, I enjoy the movie in a so-bad-it’s-funny, at-least-it’s-got-more-of-a-plot, kind of way. But I am not a fan by any stretch of the imagination. Many a person, whether it be a soccer mom or a youth pastor or a semi-moral teenage girl with half a brain in her head, has praised Twilight for its morality, for its message of abstinence. Whether you have bought into this idea or not, or haven’t even read the book yet, let me clear something up:

Twilight does not demonstrate real abstinence. If you are looking for a book that truly advocates an admirable, true-love-waits, selfless approach to sex, look elsewhere.

Giving credit where credit is due, the main characters don’t have sex until they’re married. Sarcasm aside, good for them—or rather, the author. As a morally (not necessarily politically) conservative Christian, I can get on board with that. But the book’s version no-sex-before-marriage only follows the letter of the law, while the spirit gets broken willy-nilly. Setting aside other problems within Edward and Bella’s relationship—and there are many, as a number of other websites have discussed—I was honestly disturbed after I decided to check out Twilight, having heard so many good things about it, its charming love story and surprisingly moral message.

So how about I get down to business and actually talk about what my big problem is?

While the main characters do practice abstinence in that they don’t have sex, they do other things that rather defeat the purpose. The whole idea behind the practice of abstinence is to maintain a safe physical and emotional distance between two people before they come together in a sanctified marriage relationship, in honor of both God and each other.

Song of Solomon 3:5 Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, / by the gazelles and wild deer, / not to awaken love until the time is right.

Practicing this demonstrates not only obedience to God, but respect for the other person. I do believe that there is a little, ahem, “wiggle room” in the extent to which two people can practice abstinence—that is, how far is too far. (And obviously, there is forgiveness in Christ for outright sin.) Certain things are more of a temptation for some people than for others, which is something that Christians should learn about themselves long before they have to make a rational decision in the heat of the moment. For obvious reasons, this isn’t decided on by experimentation, but by prayer and diving into God’s word.

So what does this have to do with Edward and Bella?

Edward takes Bella into the woods and completely isolates them from anyone else. It is there that he informs her of his vampirism, that he has killed people before, and he desperately wants to drink her blood because she is so beautiful and tempting. They then experiment with physical contact, seeing how far they can go before Edward loses control. Obviously, he doesn’t, but the ends do not justify the means. Do you swing an axe in a crowded room and then say, “Well, I didn’t cut anyone’s head off, so it’s all good.” No—you swung an axe in a crowded room. You’re a moron.

What if Edward hadn’t kept control? They don’t know what the line-not-to-cross is—they’re both new at this “twoo wuv”/romance/sex thing. Well, Bella would have been gobbled up and the series would have ended much sooner than it does now—and many people would be okay with that. In which case, Twilight would be a nice cautionary tale of what happens when you aren’t cautious enough. But if, in this book, vampirism is a metaphor for sex, then they are being completely irresponsible, selfish, and just plain stupid.

Would you honestly, HONESTLY go into the woods with a suspected murderer, only to have him confirm those suspicions, and then proceed to make out with you, just to see if he can control himself and not kill you? Even if he told you outright that you are a heady temptation? And if his record so far is not exactly spotless on the not-killing thing? Guy or girl, why would you allow yourself to enter into such a situation? How could someone take advantage of another person like this, attempting to fulfill their sensual desires as much as possible without crossing what becomes a very ambiguous line? This is putting not only oneself at risk of physical and emotional hurt, but the other party involved.

Matthew 18:6 But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.

Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

During their first sexless “love scene,” Bella says, “I was afraid… because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can’t stay with you. And I’m afraid that I’d like to stay with you, much more than I should.”

To which Edward replies, “That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That’s really not in your best interest.” And then later adds, “It’s not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to anyone else.”

A little later, in describing the first time he saw her, Edward speaks the words that should have sent Bella running and screaming—away:

“In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I had to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow…I so very nearly took you then. There was only one other frail human there — so easily dealt with.”

Unfortunately, Bella does NOT run screaming. Instead:

I knew at any moment it could be too much, and my life could end — so quickly that I might not even notice. And I couldn’t make myself be afraid. I couldn’t think of anything, except that he was touching me.

OK, that is as far as I’ll go into the physical aspects, but there are other things that concern me.

The damage, real or potential, is not only physical, but emotional. Although I haven’t read past the first book, from what I’ve read/heard elsewhere, there is something of a love triangle between Edward, Bella, and Jacob (even though it’s well established that Edward wins out). Surely there would not be any indecisiveness in Bella’s mind if she was absolutely certain that Edward was the murdering, bloodsucking vampire for HER. (As opposed to the murdering, half-animal werewolf Jacob. Such options! What is a girl to do? /sarcasm)

The fact that she’s indecisive probably means that she’s not sure that Edward is the one—which is good, considering that she’s 17 or so. But if she’s not certain, if they’re not married, then the make-outs, the emotional bonding, the abandon-all-others attitudes and actions that she and Edward demonstrate are all clearly premature and could have serious emotional and physical consequences.

“Bella, you are my life now,” Edward says in the movie. (Does he also say it in the book? I’m not sure.) This is a pretty heavy declaration for two people who have known each other for, at most, a few months. In high school. (Although technically Edward is over 100 years old, and only looks 17, but again, the massive age difference is pretty much the least of their problems.)

Lying in bed together, pouring out their hearts and souls to each other (chapter 14), is also not a good recipe for staving off premature intimacy. I’m just saying…

Lest anyone think I’m getting too legalistic here, I’ll leave you with

Galatians 5:13 You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.

And

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

A blessed week to you all!

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Friday Frivolity: The Art of Flirting

First of all, let’s give a big, warm, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!” to my dear co-blogger and fellow Ox, Bethany! THIS IS OUR YEAR!!

I think I’m cheating here, because usually for Friday Frivolity I just post/link and let it go. This time, however, I just can’t not say anything about this article on flirting.

My favorite part was this paragraph:

Our flirtability has a lot to do with how we are socialized as children, says Lisa Gray, a Livermore marriage and family therapist. “If ‘Don’t talk to strangers’ was a big part of your upbringing, it might affect you when it comes to flirting as an adult,” she explains. Also, because flirting is a confidence booster and a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, some people who are shy might not reap the benefits.

Why was this my favorite part? Because it was the only one I could relate to, aaahahaha!!

I think I had flirting scared out of me in college, because much of the school’s (small) predominantly Christian-conservative population was firmly entrenched in the “courtship” camp. This was a constant source of discussion and frustration among my friends and myself. All we wanted was the opportunity to go out for coffee with a guy without half the school thinking we were engaged.*

*This is not an exaggeration.

The article, by the way, is correct about flirting not having to be intentional. Once, at my previous job in a doctor’s office, I flirted with a drug rep and got a free box of Band-Aids. True story.

Also, I sincerely hope that the photo “demonstrations” at the right of the screen are exaggerations, because she looks insane. Delightfully so, but still insane.

What’s that? Not frivolous enough for you? OK, well, I wanted to put in a YouTube video with one of my favorite British comedians—though I should just say “favorite comedians” because, anglophile that I am, you can just assume he’s British unless I say otherwise—but there was a naughty word in it that I almost forgot about, so I thought that, even though we’re all adults here, it might not be appropriate for this blog. I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it.

In the meantime, though, please enjoy this song from the pilot episode of ‘A Bit of Fry and Laurie’ from the 80s, starring a very, very young Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie.

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Online Dating: FAIL?

It is a truth universally acknowledged that women become their mothers. I have become mine, in the absolute strangest way. Well, more than a few, actually. (I love you, Mom! Please don’t write me out of your will.) But the most recent development is that I read things written for men. Let me clarify: when I was in high school, my mother subscribed to Men’s Health magazine. No, not for the inevitable shirtless guy on the cover (well, maybe … ), but for the articles. She thought they were hilarious, that they confirmed her lifelong belief that most women don’t have a sense of humor, or that men at least have it in greater abundance.

This is something I did not understand. Yet here I am, years later, scrolling through Google Reader, looking at articles from Primer and To Every Man a Manswer, blogs that are undeniably targeted toward men. Even so, one of the latest articles on Primer is by a woman, and it brought me a chuckle or two: 8 Reasons Why Online Dating is Just as Complicated as “Real-Life” Dating.

Confession time: I have tried online dating, and I don’t think it’s for me—and certainly isn’t in my current budget. This was made most obvious when both Bethany and I filled out eHarmony profiles and received some free matches. (As it turns out the strike-on-the-box kind, that you can use to ignite your scented candle or cigarillo, would have been more useful. But I digress.) At one point, we were both matched up with the same man: “Ed” from Chicago. We still talk about him sometimes. (Ed, I’m sure you’re a fantastic guy, and wherever you are now, I hope you’ve found the woman of your dreams.) BUT, given that Bethany and I are quite different personalities, the fact that we received the same match certainly alerted us to shortfalls in this particular route to Happily Ever After. All my Sense and Sensibility fans out there—could you see Elinor and Marianne Dashwood both marrying the same type of man? I didn’t think so. One married Edward Ferrars, and the other, Colonel Christopher Brandon. As it should be. While they are not dramatically different men, they were dissimilar enough. And so it is with Bethany and me.

But seriously, folks, as difficult as dating can be in person, online dating has its share of issues, many of which are addressed quite nicely in the article referenced above. I’ve come across some others, however, that were not discussed with much detail, if at all. Allow me to share them, won’t you?

Here is one thing I’ve learned from online dating: people may make fun of the Crazy Cat Lady, but there is a male counterpart, and it involves—you guessed it—dogs. I am convinced that there are some guys out there who will never find “twoo wuv” because they have already made that emotional sacrifice to their canine companions, and there is no room in their lives for anyone else.

I do love animals, and I can appreciate having a bond and a love for one’s pet—sometimes the company of animals is preferable to people. But some people’s connection with their pets is just unhealthy. Now, I’m allergic to most things with fur, so I already know I have no future with guys who write “MY DOG!!!!11!!1!! HE IS MY BEST FRIEND” in the eHarmony profile of “5 favorite things” or whatever it is, for a number of reasons that should be rather obvious. In my own profile, I pointed out my health issue, that I was allergic to dogs and could never share a house with one. Within 24 hours, my matches had “closed” so quickly that I might as well have announced that I had three different STDs, two children, a bad credit history, and that my last five boyfriends had all disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Dogs are that important to some guys.

Other issues with online dating abound. Because there is still a stigma associated with it, dating sites tend to be lands of “last resort,” filled with the most desperate and lonely people. NOT to say that they aren’t lovely people, of course, but there is a tendency toward that—and come on, we’ve all had our moments of feeling it. But there are several kinds of desperation and loneliness, too. When I first moved to a new city, I thought to revive the online dating option, as it might help me meet new people. The problem is that, as vast as the Internet is, I have yet to find the happy medium between the Craigslist ads for people who simply want one-night stands, and the eHarmony users who have an attitude more like, “You’re a Christian who lives within my 50-mile radius and you sort-of believe in traditional gender roles? Let us marry today!” So … there’s that. Church, work, and mutual friends did the job so much better.

Another GIGANTIC problem with dating over the Internet is something I can only describe as, “Well, it looks good on paper, but …” By which I mean, there are some things that you just can’t predict/calculate/combine and achieve 100% certain results. You can’t calculate chemistry—and even though a solid, lasting relationship cannot be founded on chemistry, it can be an important catalyst. (I hate science; I have no idea where all this science-y talk is coming from.) And that can’t be projected on a computer screen. Two people who both love iguanas, water polo, and David Lynch films won’t necessarily be a perfect match—though perhaps, for the sake of the rest of humanity, they should be. A guy who lists certain interests or beliefs may cause someone to prejudge him based on certain stereotypes, or the profile viewer’s past experiences, etc. The human mind is an interesting place. “Hmmm, this guy likes jazz. I hate jazz. Because __*insert ex-boyfriend’s name*__ tried to get me into jazz. I bet this guy is just as much a jerk.”

Of course, this goes both ways. If, for example, I said in an online profile that I liked Harry Potter, Firefly, and MST3K, there are doubtless many people who would read that and go, “Ugh, what a dork, she probably has no real-life friends, sits in her room all alone doing calculus or WoW and only socializes when she dresses up for ComiCon,” none of which would be true. Conversely, the most intense geek fanboys might read that and think, “ZOMG MY DREAM WOMAN,” mistakenly believing that 1) such is the stuff solid relationships are built on, and 2) I am as intense a fan as they are, 3) I would actually want to have a wedding at a Renaissance festival.

Also, as she mentions in the article I linked to, online dating encourages people to be shallow. If someone is less-than-physically-ideal in their online profile picture, I confess I would be less interested in whatever else they’d have to offer as a person. ON THE OTHER HAND, if I met a guy IN PERSON who wasn’t my “usual type,” that could change over the course of a conversation, in which I may find out that he’s very interesting and quite courteous and all sorts of other lovely things that would boost his attractiveness in my eyes.

Now, I had hoped to end this post on a very insightful, eloquent note, but I simply noticed that, as usual, I am far too long-winded. So I’ll end with a question, dear readers: Have you tried online dating? If so, what site, and what did you think of it? If not, why not?

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Do You Feel Wooed?

I don’t know if I’ve ever actually used the phrase “Close, but no cigar,” but it came into my head when I was reading this article about Top 10 Tips to Woo Your Lady Love. Some of the tips sounded good, I’d say they’d work for me, while others bordered on offensive. My reactions ranged from, “Hmm, yeah, I’d agree with that,” to, “Wow … no. What a jerk.”

Let’s just dive into them straightaway, shall we?

1. Be Unpredictable.
Well, right away, we’ve got a tricky one. I would rephrase this to be, “Be Dependable, but Not Boring,” or, “Surprise Her Occasionally.” Being consistently unpredictable (the ultimate oxymoron, I guess) gets old. Fast. I don’t much care for surprises, and I don’t like to guess, but that’s a personal thing (which I get from my mom—HI MOM!). If I went on a date with a guy I hardly know, I’d hate to be surprised, lest he make us both miserable by taking me to a seafood restaurant or a modern art exhibit. Many women, I’m sure, would LOVE a guy who keeps them guessing. All. The time. I think this also depends on where you are in the relationship, because most new romances are already pretty unpredictable, right?

2. Get Physical, Early.
Don’t worry, Passion and Purity friends, he specifically mentions thumb wrestling and hand-holding. As a person whose primary love language is Touch, I’m all for this one (in a non-skanky way) but others may be extremely offended, uncomfortable, or just put off by early demonstration of minor physical affection, so “Know your audience and be respectful” is good accompanying advice. (As well as “Leave room for the Holy Spirit!”) However, the advice’s author adds, Then, remark “Hope you’re not getting ideas, just because we are holding hands”; roll your eyes and say “Women!” Not gonna lie, this would get my hand snatched out of his pretty quickly.

3. Learn to Walk Away.
I have nothing to add to his explanation, as I agree 100%.

4. Lead, Don’t Follow
Here is one of many cases where the advice in general is good, but comes with a poor example. “Hey I’m going to see XYZ movie, at 8 tonight. Wanna tag along?” “Tag along?” I don’t want to tag along to a date, and I resent being asked to do so. But in this case, as with most others, maybe it’s just me. The thing is, this is not good if the guy approaches all dates this way, since most women want to feel like the guy actually had her in mind when he made plans. If this is a night out with a couple other friends, by all means, invite the woman in this manner. But if it’s a date, just the two of them, for crying out loud he needs to at least say something more like, “So we’re on for Saturday? Great! I thought we’d go [insert location] at 7:30 and then [insert additional activity]. Sound good?” Not only did he take charge, but it seems like he put some consideration into it.

5. Compliment Her.
Duh. But unfortunately, here the author again suffers from Bad Example-itis. “I like the way you’re so well co-ordinated” is much better than “You’re so beautiful, are you a model?” True, but a woman is not a sofa set. Nor is this an episode of What Not to Wear. The second “bad” IS bad, because it’s both cheesy and insincere. If any guys out there want to avoid cliched compliments, talk to my cousin. Not only is he vocal about them, but he notices the most random things. He once complimented my earlobes. And was genuine about it. I kid you not. And he’s happily married, to boot! Well, he’s married to Beth, not to boot, but that’s beside the point.

6. Don’t Ease the Tension
By which he means “sexual tension” I think, but his examples are guaranteeing another type of tension: namely, a punch in the face. Ask her if she’s flattering you just so you will go home with her. Be cocky. A good rule-of-thumb is to say all the stuff that women typically tell men. No, actually. Don’t. The general rule is, Confidence: Good, Cocky: Bad. The only exception permissible is Dr. House, and he doesn’t actually exist. You need some moments of no tension so that you’re actually comfortable with each other, right? RIGHT? AM I CRAZY, HERE?

7. Tease Her.
“Know Your Audience!!!” is a vital tip-within-a-tip here. Oh my GOSH, but his example is terrible. I’m just going to post the whole thing here:
Teasing a woman the right way demonstrates confidence and humour. For instance, if she is walking behind you as you enter a restaurant, turn around, look at her sternly and say “Stop following and staring at me!” Then mock about about why women are always in a hurry to tear off your clothes before even knowing you. Interpret anything she does as if she is hitting on you.
I love how he tells guys to tease the “right” way, and then goes on to demonstrate the very WRONG way. At least, early in the dating relationship. This is not a good way to start off, but a couple who’s gotten rather comfortable together might have fun with this. On the first date, however, doing this would get him quickly tossed into the “Never Date Again: Arrogant Jerk” bin. At least for me. I’m sure I’m not alone here. “Interpreting ANYTHING as if she’s hitting on you” sounds like the author got his own advice from the Michael Scott School of Pursuing Women, and even if it’s as a joke, that would get real old, real fast. Me, I’d probably be nervous on a first date, so if my date yelled at me for following him, I’d stop and turn and leave, possibly bursting into tears. But I must also ask, Why is he going first into the restaurant? Because he didn’t hold the door open for her! BAD MOVE. DUMP HIM.

8. Learn How to Be a Great Kisser
Sounds good. But HOW you learn, well, that’s territory I’d rather not wander into.

9. Do the Push-Pull
Without the description, I’d have no idea what he means. So here you go:
Open the door for her, but complain that she walks slower than your granny. Feed her at a restaurant but roll your eyes and mutter about how she’s a baby. While walking on the street, have her walk on the inside to protect her from the traffic; but tease her about how she’s delicate. If you can tease her and still treat her like a lady, chances are, before long, she will be lattoo over you.
If there are any men reading this, I beg you, for the sake of any and all women you may encounter, DO NOT DO THIS. “Be Bipolar” is NOT a good dating tip. I don’t know what “lattoo” means, but if it’s anything positive, it’s a big fat fail.

10. Have a Life!
Indeed! This applies to all healthy human beings, however, of either sex and all ages. I was prepared to give him 100% agreement on this tip, except at the end, when he says, Don’t chase women, attract them. Not only does this reverse one of the basic rules of female dating behavior, it implies that the women don’t really have lives of their own. What the heck? Call me a bluffo traditionalist, but I refuse to do the chasing. Does this bit of advice mean that a man should go hang gliding and then expect women to fall to pieces over him? Too bad—the women are off living their own lives, too! (Or at least, they should be.) So who pursues whom? Well, I tend to favor tradition here.

Once again, you can find the full article here.

For the record? I’m not looking to woo a lady love. Just wanted to make sure that was clear. I am, however, always intensely amused by words of advice given to both men and women to attract the opposite sex. Since my last entry was about an article from men to women, I thought it would be fun to over-analyze and critique this list, from men to men—about women.

Now, this article that I just ripped to shreds IS from the Times of India, so some of my distaste may be just from cultural differences. There might also be translation issues. I’m pretty sure that Bethany and I will disagree (as we so often do!) in our opinions of this list. I think that just goes to show you that maybe we are all so different as human beings that there really ISN’T a sure-fire, fail-safe, other-cliche, top-10 list that will guarantee a man access to a lady’s heart (or a lady into a man’s heart, to be fair).

Still, ladies, I want your input! (And guys too, I guess.) What would you think of a guy who would employ all 10 of these pieces of advice?

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